Please allow me to apologise to the person who reads this blog.  I went to China for a few weeks naively believing I would be able to post at will.  While I was able to watch all the frustratingly choppy porn I desired, the Communist party of China kept the world safe from another cauliflower recipe crafted by an annoying white woman.

In the past I’ve disparaged cauliflower rice as unappetising mouthfuls of fart, but I found a delicious recipe that has changed my world.  Or, I’ve unknowingly hit rock bottom and can’t even recognise when I’ve spent an hour preparing something that tastes like a poop gust.  If you’re adventurous and enjoy cauliflower, try it.  Let me know if it is pleasant, or if I’ve reached Gwyneth Paltrow levels of denial.

Cauliflower Fried “Rice”

This is a two part process, but it makes a big batch.  My brother felt it was too pea heavy and picked them out, so use your discretion.

*Just so you know, I made him eat all the peas he pushed aside once they got really cold.

Baked Cauliflower Rice

• 1 head cauliflower, chopped and pulsed into rice sized pieces
• 1 TBS cooking oil of your choice, I use coconut oil
• 1/4-1/2 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp white pepper
• 1/4 tsp fish sauce

1. Preheat your oven to 425f/210c.
2. Mix the cauliflower, oil, salt, pepper, and fish sauce together.
3. Spread over a parchment lined baking sheet and bake for 15-20 minutes until lightly browned, mixing halfway through.
4. If you decide to stop here, you have a nice, base “rice”recipe.  If you’re a thrill seeker, keep going.

Fried “Rice”

sauce

• 1 1/2 TBS Tamari
• 1 tsp fish sauce
• 1/2 tsp mirin
• 1/4 tsp white pepper

1. Combine sauce ingredients and set aside.

the rest

• 2 TBS coconut oil
• 3 eggs beaten
• 1/2 small onion finely chopped
• 2 cloves of garlic minced
• a few handfuls cooked protein of your choice chopped into bite-sized pieces
• 2 carrots cut into small cubes
• 1/2 cup frozen peas, rinsed and drained
• 1 batch cauliflower rice
• chorizo, cut into small cubes and pan-fried until crisp and brown
• sea salt
• sesame oil (toasted)

1. Heat half the oil and scramble the eggs.  Set aside.
2. Add the rest of the oil to the pan until it shimmers.  Fry the onion and and garlic for around 20 seconds.
3. Add the protein and heat through for a minute or so.
4. Add the carrots and saute for 2-3 minutes.
5. Increase the heat and add the  cauliflower, peas, chorizo, and sauce, tossing.  Stir fry for a couple minutes before adding the eggs back in.
6. Taste and adjust seasonings.

I like to serve this rice with chicken skewers and faux peanut satay sauce.

*Will you pretty please, with sugar on top, watch this video?  It takes nine seconds for it to kick in, but it’s super wonderful.  I was having a moment where I wanted to smear red lipstick all over my face and start a grease fire, and this song saved me from myself.