The most common thing I hear after, “You should really start wearing sunscreen.” is “How do you find the time to make all this crap?” By “crap” I assume folks are referring to my drive to make everything “homemade,” or “handmade” (which is the gross British way of saying it).  Realistically? I’m probably missing out on making new friends, exploring my community and the basics of personal grooming…but I think it is worth it in the long run.

I like to know where my food comes from.  And taking control of ones condiments, in my opinion, is the final frontier of the insufferable person.  We are a persnickety lot and demand our animals be grass-fed, organic, massaged, and ultimately, (after they’ve eaten their favourite kind of clover, and had a satisfying sexual encounter) murdered by bow.  I’m going to take a leap and guess our paleolithic ancestors did not have complex mayo dips for dunking their dirt covered root veggies, but since we now possess this superior eggy technology,  it would be a shame not to use it, amiright?

I have tried a dozen mayonnaise recipes.  Many eggs have been sacrificed, expensive bottles of oil ruined (avocado, macadamia and olive), and all appliances called into service. Plus, wrist-breaking whacking whisk action.  But, I am a hero. This is a great mayo. Its versatility gets me fired up into ecstatic frenzy. There is, of course, raw egg.  If you feel squeamish about this, feed a small portion to the least favourite aged or pregnant person in your life and wait 12 hours.  If they don’t complain of stomach cramps, vomiting, or excessive diahareah, dig in and enjoy!

It Begins with Mayonnaise

• 1 egg…get a good one. The poor little bastard gives birth EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Her life is a nightmare.  At least make sure she is able to get some fresh air and and enough space for a little “me time.”
• 1/4 teaspoon mustard powder (Omit if you’re Shawn Doherty)
• 1 cup light tasting olive oil (Really important!  If you use extra virgin it will feel like you’re eating spreadable moonshine)
• 2 1/2-3 teaspoons apple cider vinegar
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

You will need a stick blender for this.  And be warned, they don’t last as long if you make mayonnaise all the time.  The motor can’t handle the viscious strength of a good mayo, and will make it a year…tops.  You’ll be riding the little guy hard and putting him back wet.  Proceed with caution.

1. Combine all the ingredients in the container that comes with the stick blender.
2. Give the egg a minute to settle to the bottom before carefully immersing the stick blender to the bottom.
3. Turn it on and let it mix while keeping the wand all the way to the bottom.  After a minute or so, it will thicken up.
4. When you have established that a strong mayo base has been formed, move the wand and mix the rest of the oil in.
5. Behold! Thick and glossy beautiful mayonnaise!

This keeps well in refrigerator for at least 10 days.  When in doubt, smell it.

Bonus*  Once you have all your ingredients out, this mayonnaise can be prepared in the amount of time it takes to listen to Regulators.