Copenhagen has a rich and vibrant history that I’m not interested in researching, but I can tell you that it is a beautiful city with fantastic food and big-hearted people.  I stayed with friends in central Copenhagen, and we ate open-face sandwiches and drank coffee like we were in a Stieg Larsson novel.  (And, yes, I know he’s Swedish, but is it racist to lump them all into the “hot-as-all-get-out, open-face sandwich eating” category?)  My friend said something about the Next Top Model concept not quite taking off in Denmark because everyone has high enough self-esteem to understand how good looking they are.  They’re also beyond nice.  In particular,  they are very kind to and tolerant of children, which I can’t quite comprehend considering how expensive and light-coloured they prefer their sofas.

There is, however, an unspeakable horror that plagues Denmark.  Liquorice.  Danes insist it is delicious and tastes nothing like ear wax and tonic water, and they CANNOT GET ENOUGH.  “It raises blood pressure,” and “traditionally, it is made from horse’s blood,” are the kindest endearments they can muster in English.   But, when my hosts waved a Royal Copenhagen dish brimmed with that nasty shit under my nose, I folded.  I wanted to be sophisticated, but I had to fake it.  I shut down emotionally, gobbled down a few pellets, and tried to recall times in my life where I had been proud of myself.

Needless to say, I don’t have any recipes involving liquorice to share.  I do, however, have a simple open faced sandwich idea, and this phenomenal quote from Dolly Parton:  “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.”

I’m Depressed I’m Not Danish Open-Face Sandwich

• Homemade cream cheese-Take some whole-milk Greek yogurt (say a cup or so) mix in a 1/2 tsp of salt (or to taste) and wrap in cheesecloth or muslin.  Tie to a wooden spoon and suspend over a bowl for 10-12 hours, or until you reach the consistency you desire.  The longer you leave it, the tangier it gets.  I prefer it mild.  Or, you can be a normal person and buy some goddamn cream cheese.
• Handful of rocket
• Smoked salmon
• Gluten free crisp breads-I prefer Buckwheat.
• Squeeze of lemon and a grind of pepper.

Okay, make an open faced sandwich.

Also, when in Copenhagen, go see the mermaid.  She is miles away, but she needs you.  All she does is sit on that rock and wait for people to come by and wonder if a pervert has ever masturbated on her.  My gut says, “yes,” but a naive part of me wants to see the good in the world.