In my obsessive-compulsive world there is only one way to start the day (except when I am being lazy.)

First, I do a full body brush with an old back scrubber that I should wash, but never do.  I begin at the soles of my feet and brush my way up with a vigorous attitude.  I have been doing it for several years, and it doesn’t seem to be making any difference, but I also don’t know what I should be expecting.

Then I use a tongue scraper that painfully removes a yellow plaque which hardens when it makes contact with cold water.  Again, I don’t know why I do this, but based on what I’m seeing it is probably a good thing that I’m removing that shit from my mouth.

Next, I drink some water and try to poop.

Finally, I prepare my special drink.  This is where I feel like I’m setting myself apart.  Like I have something unique to offer.  See, I drink a gelatin/lemon/hot water mixture.  It makes me feel smug, like the people who make and eat quinoa salads out of mason jars.

So, here goes my first recipe.

Hot Lemony Beef Hoof Brew

• 1 mug with a couple inches of water in the bottom
• 1 Tablespoon Great Lakes Gelatin-from the red can or any other kind of quality gelatin.  Honestly though, don’t be a princess and expect a wide selection.  It is ground up animal bones, which is always fun to think about while you drink it.
• Hot water
• 1/2 Lemon
• 1 tablespoon Coconut oil-Optional: use only when you’re feeling insufferable.  Which, for me, is a couple mornings a week.

Okay,  take the gelatin and sprinkle it over the water in the mug.  Let it bloom while you boil the water and cut the lemon.  Once the water has been absorbed by the gelatin, and there is a nice little goo puddle in the glass, pour in the hot water.  Then squeeze in the lemon juice with one of those contraptions bartenders use to make mojitos.  Decide if you feel extra special and add the coconut oil accordingly.  Give it a nice stir, and viola- hot lemony beef hoof brew.

It tastes gamey and sour, but it makes me feel like Gwyneth Paltrow.