Am I proud? Not really, but I refuse to be ashamed. See, I will go to bat for Gwyn against those who would malign her prudish name, but I will also make her look like she’s about to eat a dick. It melts my heart a little that she believes she’s an ordinary girl, with everyday struggles. But, I’m flabbergasted to the point of rage that she believes sharing the story about how Cameron Diaz gave her a Brazilian wax makes her warm and relatable. I suppose the word I’m looking for is “ambivalent.”

Of course, I wanted to know what the star of “View from the Top” ate for breakfast, but I also needed to be the kind of person who makes fun of the people who buy Gwyneth Paltrow cookbooks. Then my free will was taken away. I had to have it. Gwyn stole my heart on page 96 with her ginger and tuna burgers. I calculated they would cost me £9.35 apiece to make. All of her recipes began with out-of-touch anecdotes like, begging the chef at The Ivy for a cobb salad recipe, normal kid summers in Nantucket and the soup she ate while secluded in a Japanese monastery. We’ve all been there.

Her miso salad dressing left me lightheaded and agitated. I wanted to make it, but I hated her for it too. It was like finding oneself sexually attracted to Justin Beiber.

I can’t help it. I want to make gazpacho with her, then push her down a well. Then pull her back up again.

Chicken, Pomegranate and Macadamia Salad

This is my original recipe.  Gwyneth Paltrow has a recipe in her cookbook which is mashed avocado on toast. I can do anything I want.

• 1 cooked chicken breast, shredded or cut into small chunks
• 1 TBS chopped macadamia nuts
• 1 TBS pomegranate seeds
• 1 TBS finely chopped celery
• 1/8 tsp onion power
• 1/8 tsp salt
• 1/8 tsp dijon mustard
• pepper to taste
• homemade mayo

Mix it all together and eat it.  Pretend you’re at a Japanese monastery having a threesome with Luke Wilson and the teacher from GLEE.

The eve of 2016 sounded in a New Year that promises to be both great and odd.  I drank half a bottle of Zubrowka, ate unpalatable homemade pork rinds, and watched Slap Shot with my parents until 3am.  I told my brother’s boss not to leave before midnight because “shit’s probably going to get weird,” and I called my seventeen year old niece a dick on Facebook.   I accomplished all this while dressed as 1950’s housewife…success?

I did not wake into a brave new world.  I turned from the sun like a creature that lures children into the woods to devour their souls, and then ruefully examined my outbox to see what damage I’d done.  But, it was the first day of a new year, so I turned myself around and went for a run.  That was my only accomplishment.

The rest of the day was a painful haze.  I watched Slap Shots again.  Ate approximately fifty chicken wings and tried to remember the last time I’d been proud of myself.  Then…I watched Rocky for the first time.

I didn’t know.  I had no clue.  It is THE anthem for lonely losers.  How did my high school guidance counsellor let me graduate without seeing this film?  The scene where he locks Adrian in his crappy apartment, offers her some donuts and takes off his shirt, symbolically  baring his soul, well…I identified more than I liked with his neediness.  “HEY PAULIE! YOUR SISTER’S WITH ME! I’LL CALL YOU LATER!” I played it cool in front of my family, but by the end I was a sobbing mess on the inside.  All he wanted was to go the distance. I’m so glad he did.

God, I’m crying again.

Rib-Cracking Bolognese 

Did Rocky ruin all those slabs of beef, or did he make them better?  I’m not sure, but I do know this beef tastes better when you cook the fuck out of it.

• 2 leeks finely chopped
• 4 carrots finely chopped
• 4 sticks celery finely chopped
• 2 Tbs olive oil
• 1.5 tsp salt
• pepper to taste
• 1 lb (450g) ground pork
• 1 lb (450g)  ground beef
• 1 cup dry red wine
• 1 cup coconut milk
• 750g (28oz) tomato passata
• 2 cups chicken stock
• Optional-a couple tablespoons of pate to stir in at the end.  It gives it a nice organ-meaty taste…if you like that sort of thing.

1. Normally, I start by putting my carrots in a food processor and then adding in the leeks and celery and chopping until fine.
2. Heat the olive oil and cook the carrot, leek and celery base in with 1 tsp of the salt for 5-10 minutes.
3. Turn the heat up and add your pork and beef.  Cook all the way through until brown and caramelised. It adds flavour.
4. Deglaze with the red wine.  Pour it in and get all the bits off the bottom.  Let it cook for a minute or two.
5. Add the stock, tomato and coconut milk and bring to a boil.
6. Turn the heat to low and cook for four hours.  Keep the lid a bit off centre.
7. If it sticks, add some stock a half a cup at a time.
8. Season with extra salt and pepper if you wish.

This freezes well for single serve portions, and has lots of protein for the Italian Stallion that lives inside each and every one of us.

It’s real good.

As much as I hate Christmas, I love New Year’s.  Not the party on the 31st where you drink too much Genny Cream Ale and make out with a Depew cop…I mean the austere first day of a brand new year.  What joy to wake into a fresh world, reborn and clean!  If you choose, you can draw that hazy and unfocused gem of yourself from the ether of your mind’s eye and shine it through redemption, toil and self-discovery.  Or, you can eat four frozen toaster strudels and watch “Road Trip” in your panties.

2016 Goals:

1. Get my UK Driving Licence.
2. Perform at least one pull-up.
3. One month of Whole Food 30.
4. Learn to sew.
5. Write for thirty minutes a day.
6. Commitment to 4 days a week of exercise.
7. Run the Buffalo Marathon.
8. Tell my shrink what those voices in my head are really saying.
9. Yoga once a week.
10. Floss twice a day. Real dental floss.  Not just that pipe cleaner bullshit.
11. Read two books a month.

****BONUS**** Learn to play the accordion just to be super fucking weird and annoying.

This is a lot to shoot for, and normally I don’t nail down my resolutions so firmly.  I always hope that fantasies such as, “be happy,” and “look more like Daisy Fuentes,” will land in my lap.  But, I am being proactive this time around.  I have a whole other list of personal goals too.  These mostly involve my FB addiction and an oath not to watch certain porn genres anymore.  I feel like I’m going to make it.  Things are gonna’ change.  I’m a winner.  But it won’t be easy.

“If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.” Benjamin Franklin

He’s right motherlickers.  I’m planning ahead.  You too.

Thai Prawn Omelette

This is quick and easy.  Have the ingredients on hand and this will fill you up so you don’t give up in the first few hours.  It’s so easy to say “fuck it” and wash down chunks of walnut fudge with a tequila mimosa.

• 100 grams prawns
• 2 sliced spring onions
• 2 eggs
• 1 tsp fish sauce
• 1/2 tsp apple cider vinegar
• 1 Tbs tapioca flour
• 2 tsp coconut oil

1. First, cook the prawns and spring onions in 1 tsp of the coconut oil.  Remove from the pan, and set aside.
2. Whisk the eggs, fish sauce, apple cider vinegar and tapioca flour until completely combined.
3. Heat the remaining coconut oil over medium-high high heat.  When the pan is smoking, pour the eggs in and cook for a minute until well set.
4. Sprinkle on the prawns and spring onions and flip the omelette.  Cook for another minute.
5. Serve with homemade mayonnaise, hot sauce and sliced avocado.  Delicious.

Christmas is the worst.  Most of you will disagree with me because you’re nice and normal, and like mulled wine.  But I also know a few will be nodding your heads in agreement, eager to pipe in, “Yeah! More people kill themselves around Christmas than other other time of year!” (Which is not true, but it feels so good to have you on my side.)

There’s a lot of build-up, anticipation, thought, effort, and money put into this hateful time of year .  Maybe you’re lucky enough to have a family full of people who appreciate a homemade brick of confetti fudge as a present…maybe you’re an entitled brat who gets her sister so upset that she storms off sobbing into a snowstorm to spend Christ’s birthday in a mid-range hotel.  There are no winners in this game.

I’m totally bringing myself down with this, but the entire season is like when that housewife from “Love Actually” opens the gift she thinks is going to be a ruby necklace, but it turns out to be a Joni Mitchell CD, and she realises her husband (Professor Snape) is banging his secretary who is very beautiful, but also looks like an alien fish creature.

Christmas is BALLS BALLS BALLS.

But, this recipe makes it better.  Because it makes the best kind of  balls.

Have a tolerable Christmas.

Sunbutter Ballseyes

These are very nice, but they won’t take away the sting of being unlovable and unloved.

• 200g chocolate of your choice.  I like a mix of dark and milk.
• A few tablespoons coconut oil.
• 250g Softened butter.
• 600g Powdered sugar.
• 500g Sunbutter.

1. Cream butter and sunbutter.
2. Gradually add powered sugar by hand until well mixed.
3. Chill for a few hours, or overnight and roll into 1 inch balls.
4. Melt chocolate in a double boiler and add some coconut oil to thin it out a bit.
5. Dip the balls half way into the chocolate with a toothpick or chopstick.
6. Set on wax paper and allow to harden in the refrigerator.
7. Store between layers of wax paper and keep in the refrigerator.
8. Shove a couple balls in your mouth when you taste the sourness of disappointment rising.

Nicknames are funny things.  They can be endearing or hurtful, an exalt or a stain.  They are a snapshot into how we are perceived by the outside world and categorised by our family and closest friends.  They are one of our first lessons in accepting the will of others, and are an external force that somehow manages to shape us from the inside out.

As a child I was known as “The Vulture.”

All because I was a seven year old with a brother-in-law who was a bit of dick, and I could eat A LOT of wings.  Like, I was insatiable.  I would stand over the box, hopping from one foot to the other, completely focused on  getting all the drumettes out first.  I could eat 30 wings in a sitting, stymied only by my inability to procure more wings.

Being called a vulture bothered me a little.  But it also set the expectation that a fuck-ton of wings had to be set aside for me.  So, it was a bittersweet victory of sorts.

As the years passed, I tried to distance myself from my bird-of-prey moniker.  My primary objective shifted from getting more wings to a mournful longing to grow breasts and french kiss a boy taller than me.

I really tried on the other two fronts, but now I’m back to a sure thing.  And I have the wonderful recipe for oven baked buffalo wings.  They’re simply the best.

Enjoy!

Buffalo Wings with Ranch Dip

*I know ranch dip is not the traditional choice, but this recipe makes a great dairy-free loption.  Feel free to toss in some chunks of blue cheese if you like.

Wings

• 1 Kilo/2 lbs  jointed chicken wings
• 4 TBS melted ghee, unsalted butter or coconut oil
• 1 tsp flaked sea salt
• 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1/4 cup Frank’s Red Hot sauce or Choula
• 1 tsp white vinegar or apple cider vinegar

Ranch Dip

• 1/2 cup homemade mayonaise
• 2 TBS coconut milk
• 1 crushed garlic clove
• 1 TBS dried parsley
• 1/2 TBS dried chives
• 1/2 TBS dried dill
• 2 tsp apple cider vinegar
• 1/4 tsp onion powder
• 1/4 tsp sea salt

1. Heat the oven to 400f/205c.
2. Toss the wings with two tablespoons of the ghee, 3/4 tsp salt and 1/4tsp of cayenne.
3. Place the wings on a wire rack over a foil-lined rimmed baking sheet.  Bake for 35-45 minutes, flipping once.
4. Make the ranch dressing, by mixing all the dip ingredients.  Cover and refrigerate.
5. Make the wing sauce by combining the remaining two tablespoons ghee, hot sauce, 1/4 tsp salt, 1/4 tsp cayenne and 1 tsp vinegar.
6. When the wings are done, toss with the wing sauce and serve with the ranch dip and some carrots and celery sticks.

http://youtu.be/aIrCFrFpHvw

I want to lose these last seven pounds.  Will it make the world a better place?   Probably not, but it greatly increases my options for slutty Halloween costumes next year, and that’s what really matters.

I don’t feel like I’m getting older, but there are wrinkles…weight is harder to lose, and every single time I get my period I praise a Hindu god that I’m at least a year out from the menopause.  I am doing this now because I know that in a few years I’ll be focusing my energies elsewhere.  Like, building a feline army, knitting adjustable waist leggings and frightening small children with the putrefying decay my dentist has foretold.

Sometimes when I share my fitness/lifestyle goals, people take offence.  It seems like there are all these rules.  It’s not okay to be overweight.  Don’t be skinny.  If you work out too much, you’re conceited.  If you don’t work out, you’re lazy.  It’s vain to dress up like Red Sonja and take selfies.(Who knew?)  You’re a pig if you eat an entire Danish puff in one sitting, but lack grit (in my opinion) if you don’t.  There is absolutely no way to win.

Since I can’t win, I’ve decided to do what I want.  Yes, of course my primary concern is to be healthy and strong, but I want to take it a step further.  Naked pictures.  Naked pictures so good, that thirty years from now I will pull them out to show the EMT.

A Sassafrassi Mango Lassi 

• 160 grams cubed mango
• 1 cup coconut water
• 100g whole fat greek yogurt
• pinch of salt
• pinch of cardamon power

Blend it up and drink it down.

This makes a satisfying breakfast on the go.

It has 5 Weight Watchers points.

*A picture of my pussy…too far?

*A note on how I plan on making one Olan Mills photographer very uncomfortable…  I will lift weights twice a week, run three days, and I have joined Weight Watchers.  I follow a mostly paleo, gluten free diet, except for when I don’t.  Also, I will airbrush some abs on and photoshop a unicorn into the background.

*I didn’t take this picture.

Happy belated Thanksgiving! My second favourite holiday is nonexistent where I live, so the new tradition is to roll up some sliced turkey, down a bottle of prosecco and call my folks demanding they tell me, that out of all their children, they love me best.  Everyone knows it is my brother because he can pee standing up, but I’ve been practising, so he will have some solid competition soon.

Breaking with my new tradition, my brother  and I decided to travel to Krakow.  I’ve been before, but was happy to go again.  I love the beautiful city, the stern middle aged ladies, the castle, and the way Polish cakes look delicious, but aren’t.  The policemen wear bulky black snowsuits, and there are hot young priests wandering around in traditional vestments.  It’s everything I ever wanted, but didn’t know existed.

I was hoping for a relaxed holiday of meandering along the cobbled streets  and stuffing my face with smoked cheese, but John had different ideas.  He was a cruel taskmaster demanding salt mines and former Nazi death camps.  I obliged and drank heartily in the evenings, but we still managed to get along great.

There were a few hiccups.  At times it wasn’t clear if he was quoting a line from a movie or having a stroke.  He, in return, was disappointed that I hadn’t seen any movies outside of Taken 2 in the last ten years.  So, we tried to find a common ground.  John explained the plot of Fifty Shades of Gray to me, and I offered to read a chapter of the Twilight series to his voicemail every evening.  We were united our disgust of one another.  It was perfection.

Inside-Out Sauerkraut and Mushroom Pierogi for the Lonely Lady

*makes a single, lonely gal serving

• 3 Tbs raw sauerkraut rinsed and drained
• 1 Tbs butter
• 4-5 white mushrooms chopped
• 2-3 spring onions thinly sliced
• 30 grams/2 TBS cream cheese
• 150 grams cooked rice pasta
• a pinch of caraway seeds
• salt and pepper to taste

1. Heat the butter until melted and lightly bubbling.
2. Add the mushrooms and spring onion until cooked and softened.  Add a couple pinches of salt and some pepper and toss in the caraway.
3. Once the mushrooms and onions are done cooking, stir in the cream cheese and sauerkraut.  Taste and season.
4. Reheat the pasta.
5. Toss the sauce with the pasta and enjoy…you lonely lady, you.

Nancy called in the middle of dinner.  It took me a few minutes, but I’m a keen sleuth and deduced my sister was off her face.  A  dental appointment had gone disco and she was now organising her spice rack in stilettos and a romper.

She was riding a wave of pain killing serotonin that allowed her to  vacuum, organise her closet and meal prep for the upcoming week…despite having zero sensation from nose to jaw. I knew (from a tooth extraction in ’95) that there were regrets associated with dental narcotics. Mine were eating a full plate of spicy nachos and calling a boy that had recently dumped me to try to discuss armadillos.

“Oh,” she said, her words slowing and jumbling as she spoke, “I went online and bought a really ****ing expensive bonsai tree.”

Nourishing Rice, Pork and Prawn Soup

This is a filling and healing soup.  It is the kind of soup I wish I could have made for my sister that day.  We would have sat on the couch and watched stuff on Netflix that had lots of nudity.  Then, just before the drugs wore off, I would have had her call that guy who dumped me to discuss armadillos.

• 4 cups/1 litre bone broth (see Halloween post)
• 3/4 cup/150 grams short grain white rice or sushi rice, rinsed
• 1 pound/450 grams ground pork
• 2/3 pound/300 grams chopped, raw prawns
• 4-5 shitake mushrooms chopped
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 2 tsp rice wine vinegar
• 1 tsp fish sauce
• 1 tsp sesame oil
• 1/4 tsp white pepper
• 2 eggs lightly beaten
• 1 tsp ginger juice
• A few handfuls fresh chopped spinach
• 4 thinly sliced spring onions

1. Start by combining the rice with the broth and bring to a boil.  Reduce the heat and cover, simmering at the lowest possible heat for one hour.  Stir occasionally.
2. While the soup simmers, brown the pork, mushrooms, and garlic until the pork is cooked through. Set aside.
3. Combine the salt, vinegar, fish sauce, sesame oil, and white pepper, and mix into the pork mixture.
4. When the rice is done cooking, mix in the pork mixture and turn off the heat.  Add the eggs and mix thoroughly.  Lastly, mix in the spinach and spring onion and allow to sit for a couple minutes.

Serve with dulse flakes, sesame oil, toasted sesame seeds and coconut aminos.  I make a big batch and have it for lunch most days.  It’s good!  Delicious even.  Enjoy.

My 39th birthday was a few days ago.  Maybe it’s the hormones from my rapidly diminishing  reproductive capabilities, but the whole thing made me nostalgic.  I try not to dwell on the past too much (for instance, there was a stretch where I tried, unsuccessfully, to pee standing up), but I indulged in a good reminisce about what used to be important to me at various milestones.  At ten, it was jelly bracelets and fantasising about making out with Michael Jackson.  At twenty, it was trying to find a way to be self-sufficient without having to trade sexual favors for Aldi foodstuffs.  At thirty, there was a panic.  I was underwhelmed.  According to every shitty magazine I’d ever read, I was at my peak, yet I had never even used a lawnmower.

Now, on the eve of my 40th year, I’ve begun to appreciate all the odd moments that have brought me to this point.  I’ve arm wrestled a sailor and visited a zoo that had drawings of copulating animals in front of each enclosure. Once, I saw Judge Reinhold in the San Francisco Airport.  I have lived.  There is a short list of what I would like to accomplish by my 40th year written on the back of a picture of a werewolf.  But, I’m going easy.  Mainly, because I know how lazy I am, but more so because I want to spend the bulk of my thirties drinking Baileys in the morning sunshine and sending hate mail to the childhood bullies of my closest friends. I want to take the time to enjoy life’s pleasures.

Two Day Nuts

These are called two day nuts because they take two days to make.  Some time ago I read something about how nuts have to be prepared in a certain way, or they create tiny holes in your intestines that lets poo-poo float around in your blood.  I will never be able to enjoy a nutty party mix ever again. But, even if they didn’t turn intestines to jelly, I would still prepare nuts this way because they are delightfully crispy.

• Almonds, pecans, wallnuts, hazelnuts,  brazils, or any nut of your choice.  Cashews and macadamias don’t have to be activated and also go soggy if kept in water too long, so avoid those.
• Filtered water
• Salt

*Before you soak your nuts consider that they will need to fit single layer on cookie sheets in the oven.

1. Place your nuts in large bowl and cover with filtered water.  Add a few teaspoons of salt and mix until dissolved in the water.  What I like to do is separate my nuts.  For example, I keep a bowl of almonds, a bowl of pecans, etc.  Soak for 12 hours.
2. Rinse and spread the nuts out on unlined cookie sheets.  You don’t have to, but I separate my nuts here too.
3. Place the cookie sheets in the oven on the lowest setting.  If you have a fan in your oven, use it.  I initially keep a wooden spoon in the oven door to let the moisture out, and then remove it a few hours later.
4. Now, cook your nuts for 24 hours.  When you remember, stir the nuts around and rearrange the cookie sheets.
5. Once they’re done, eat your nuts.  Store the remainder in bags in the freezer, and take them out when you would like to eat nuts.

*This is the most I have ever written the word “nuts.”

The Inuits have over two hundred words to describe snow (not actually true, but let’s pretend).  The Korean word “Jeong” is complicated, but is the expression of love, affection, melancholy and longing for the past.  Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time” fits the bill.  The German word “kumerspeck” translates to excess weight from emotional overeating, or “bacon grief.”  There is beauty in simple expression, and I feel the English language is missing many important concepts. At least for my needs.

There are many times I cannot find the words for:

• The WTF of when a first cousin hits on you at a Phish concert.
• Feeling like a failure after a dental appointment.
• Hating “Family Circus” cartoons so much that you get a perverse sense of joy from reading them.
• Urgently needing to poop at a crowded house party.
• Having to abandon a masturbation session because, instead of Star Wars era Harrison Ford, you keep seeing the image of the kid you had a crush on in 8th grade…as he WAS in the 8th grade.
• Accepting a date with your snowboarding instructor and then remembering you’re married.

Now, I will leave you with something that doesn’t taste good, is wonderful for you, and fits a copious amount of vegetables into a couple of pint glasses. There is no word I can find for this one.  So, hmmm…vegturdfull?

Vegturdfull Smoothie

I have one of these every single day.  The taste is not so great, but it is not awful either.  About ten minutes after you finish it, you’ll feel like you can wrestle an orangutang and win.  Try one for yourself!

• 1 cup coconut water
• 1/2 avocado
• 1 TBS chia seeds
• small knob of ginger
• 2 TBS sauerkraut
• 1 cup spinach
• 1/2 juiced lime
• 3 inches of cucumber
• *any other stuff you have that is not too hideous.

Toss it all in your high speed blender, and puree that mess into oblivion.  Drink it down quickly, without thought.  If you focus your energy on it, it will suddenly have power over you.  Do not let it win.

http://youtu.be/BsKbwR7WXN4