Today a doctor asked if he could remove my tattoo…for free.  I won’t bore you with the details, but he caught a glimpse, and asked to see it in its entirety.  It left him speechless for a good forty-five seconds.

“Now listen,” he told me, “this is proven technology, but we need examples.  Before and afters to really show what can be done.  Your tattoo is perfect.”

What was so perfect about the blue, misshapen tree frog spread across my right buttock?  He assumed I wanted it removed, and was incredulous as he watched me grapple with the decision.

“It is hideous,” a part of me reasoned.  But then the other part reasoned, “It is hideous.”

I told him I’d mull it over.  It’s not often a medical professional singles out a girl to right a self-imposed, costly deformity.  For free.  But, then again, it’s my deformity.

Cornmeal Toad in the Hole

• 600 grams gluten-free pork sausages
• 2 onions, sliced
• a few sprigs thyme
• 1 TBS olive oil
• 150 grams polenta
• 1 tsp sugar
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp bicarbonate of soda
• 170 grams plain, gluten-free flour (I used Bob’s Red Mill)
• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 284 ml buttermilk
• 1 large egg
• 25 grams butter

1. Heat the oven to 220c/430f
2. Heat the oil in an oven safe frying pan.  I used a 26cm Le Creuset casserole pan.
3. Cook the sausages and onion with a sprig of thyme, until the onions are soft and the sausages brown.
4. Combine the polenta, sugar, salt, bicarbonate of soda, flour, and baking powder.
5. Mix the buttermilk and egg together, and combine it with the flour mixture.
6. Remove the sausages and onions from the pan.  Discard the thyme sprigs.
7. Heat the butter in the casserole pan until melted and slightly bubbling.
8. Pour most of the cornmeal-flour mixture into the pan.  Add the sausages, and then add the rest of the cornmeal on the top.
9. Put the casserole pan in the oven and cook for 20-25 minutes.
10. Serve on its own or with tomato sauce.

Nutritional Information:  Based on six servings

• calories: 451
• fat: 25.2
• carbs: 40.1
• protein: 15.9

My brother had one job to do:  pull the delicious date, almond, goat’s cheese, and bacon morsels from the freezer…and cook them in the oven.  Okay.  Two jobs.

It was the last pack.  They’d been discontented.  They were special.  The last of their kind.  I know it’s not a billionth as serious as the last male white rhino dying…but there sure was a heartbreaking feeling of finality when my brother took them, charred and turd-like, from the oven.

Not accepting it was the end, I ate them all.  Not my proudest moment…yet born of that desperate indignity is this recipe.

Make some.  They’re good.

Bacon Date Nuggets

• 70 grams blanched almonds
• 70 grams pitted dates
• 125 grams goat’s cheese
• 10-12 slices bacon, cut in half

1. Preheat the oven to 220c/430f.
2. Chop almonds and dates in a food processor until combined into little pieces.
3. Mix goat’s cheese to the mixture with your hands.
4. Form the mixture into 20 or so oblong nuggets.
5. Wrap each nugget in half a slice of bacon.
6. Put them, seam side down, onto a foil lined tray.
7. Cook 8-12 minutes, but don’t forget about them.

*These can also be frozen, uncooked.  Increase oven time to 10-15 minutes.

Nutritional Information: 20 servings

• Calories:  75
• Fat: 4.7 grams
• Carbs: 6.1 grams
• Protein: 3.2 grams

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBI3ykGY6Qk

A Siberian weather front is blowing through London.  Just a little snow, but legitimately cold.  It’s 22 degrees outside.  Yesterday my kitchen was seventy degrees.  Today it is fifty-eight.  How to fix this?  I moved the heat number higher on the thing on the wall.  I’m wearing everything I own, in every size I’ve ever been.

There’s a book in my bathroom about the real-life stupid ways people have died hiking the mountains of New Hampshire.  Most get lost or injured.  But there are a few stories in there about men in denim jackets who wander off into the woods.  There’s no way to know what their motivations or last thoughts were, but it’s now fifty-seven degrees in my kitchen and I’m not alarmed.  My guess is that they thought, “I’m good. I have a tank top on under this.”

The idea of hapless men in Jordache used to make me laugh.  (Modern feminism.) But now it sort of makes sense.  Who doesn’t feel invincible in a sick denim jacket?  Just like, who would expect to freeze to death in her own kitchen?  As the temperature lowers, I know I’m not going to do anything about it other than eat bounty bars and wrap plastic bags around my torso.  Eventually, a forever sleep will claim me.  Perhaps we all have a ‘man from New Hampshire, in a jean jacket, walking into the woods’ in us.

I’m so cold.

Last Rites Hot Cocoa (1 serving)

• 200ml whole milk
• 1TBS cocoa powder
• 1-2tsp sugar
• pinch of salt
• dash of vanilla

1. Whisk all ingredients together over a low flame until combined and heated through.
2. I toss mine in a blender to make it a bit frothy.

Nutritional Information:

• calories: 189
• fat: 8.7
• carbs: 22.2
• protein: 8.9

*Someday, I will have this dog.

An RSPCA representative knocked on my door late Saturday afternoon.  It was cold, the sun was setting, and he had the panicked look of a young man who needed to meet a target.  I was lonely, so I let him in.

He asked me where I was from, and said I had a beautiful accent.  I considered telling him to quit it.  I mean, I let him in…I was a sure thing for £10 a month for the rest of my life.  But I enjoyed the dynamics of having a young man in my home gently coaxing me for cash. So, I allowed him to compliment my cookbook collection, my cat (who honestly always looks like she’s just been brought back from the dead), and a picture of my father.  It was fucking awesome.

Anyway.  After he left, I made this meal.  It felt indulgent to eat so much shrimp at once, but YOLO!

YOLO Lonely Lady’s Cheesy Shrimp Pasta

• 56 g rice pasta, cooked according to package instructions
• 150 g peeled raw shrimp, cooked
• 2 tsp olive oil
• 25 g grated cheddar
• as much Flavor Gods “everything spicy” seasoning as your lonely heart desires.

1. Basically, combine everything over a low flame and heat through.
2. I like to enjoy this with carrot sticks and a fizzy Berocca
3. Bon Appétit.

Nutritional Information:  cals: 521, fat: 20.5g, carbs: 43.3g, protein: 41.5g

It’s been a while.  (By the way, I spent twelve minutes researching the difference between “a while” and “awhile”, and I still don’t understand what I was supposed to do.)  But that’s okay.

So, I’m back.  My hiatus was tied up in something, but I’m not sure what.  Oddly, what inspired me to sit down at my computer today were the last two hours of S-Town, Blade Runner 2049, being informally diagnosed with a serious mental illness by a management consultant, and next week’s okonomiyaki recipe.  And I wanted a safe place to confide the concern on my French teacher’s face when I told her that the only words I knew before I started her class were ”grapefruit”, “orgasm”, and “potato”.   (pamplemousse, la petite mort, and pomme de terre.)     

*General housekeeping:  I will be posting on Thursdays now instead of Tuesdays.  And, whenever I can, I will post nutritional information.

Chocolate Banana Smoothie

• 1 frozen banana
• 100ml cashew milk (or milk of your choice)
• 100ml coconut water
• handful of fresh spinach
• 1 TBS sunflower seed butter
• 1/2 tsp turmeric powder
• 1 TBS cocoa powder
• 1 TBS collogen hydrolysolate (or protein powder of your choice.)
• pinch of salt

1. Combine everything in a high speed blender and process until smooth.
2. Trust me, it’s better than you think it will be.

1 serving, 395 calories, 18g fat, 42.7g carbs, 17g protein

It’s been such a long while since I’ve read an exclusively paleo cookbook that I’ve forgotten why I’m not supposed to eat legumes…so, I’m eating them again.  Not all the time mind you, I’m not a slutty 2009 Gwyneth Paltrow.  But, after taxidermy-ing a hamster, I’m seeking out a life with slightly less gore.

Luckily, I make great falafels.  I’ll come clean and admit this is not my original creation.   It’s a recipe on a stained shred of paper from a 90’s cookbook written by a woman who had an entire chapter about crock-pot meals for one.  I’ve tried quite a few falafel recipes in my own lonely years, but I’ve never come across one this great.  It absolutely mimics the feeling of having a pretty, long-haired boyfriend from Santa Cruz.

Vegan Falafels

• 225 *dried chickpeas
• 1 TBS tahini
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp cumin seeds
• 1 tsp ground coriander
• 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper (or to taste)
• 1 garlic clove, crushed
• Juice of 1/2 lemon
• 100 grams fresh spinach
• olive oil (or fat of choice) for shallow frying

1. Soak the chickpeas in lots of fresh water overnight.
2. Drain well, and combine all the ingredients (except the olive oil) in a food processor.
3. Pulse to a coarse paste.
4. Form into small patties.
5. Heat the olive oil to medium and fry the patties 2-3 minutes per side.
6. Drain on paper towels, and enjoy.

*This song just works.