There are going to be many miso recipes on this site for a while.  I accidentally ordered five tubs, intending one…and I’m obsessed with Bonnie Chung’s cookbook, Miso Tasty.  Her recipes are fantastic.  And she’s passionate.  Nobody will ever love me as much as Bonnie Chung loves miso.  Which would be sad…if it wasn’t a fate I deserved.

Anyway, I’ve had friends and family staying with me for the better part of two months, but now I’m on my own again.  Instead of joining a doomsday cult, I’m keeping busy by;  making the best tuna melts in the world, reading books about rice, and watching Louis Theroux’s Weird Weekends.  (Which is a great show, except for when he’s mean to that gay for pay porn actor in season 1.)  Plus, summer is only 134 days away.  And I’ll be 42 in ten months.

Tuna Umami Salad

This sandwich filling is somehow like a hug.  It’s perfect if you have to substitute human interaction with umami rich foods for an extended period.

• 150g (weight after draining) of tuna in oil
• 1/4 cup mayonaise
• 4tsp white miso
• 3tsp mirin
• 10 gherkins finely chopped
• pinch of white pepper

1. Shred the tuna into desired texture.
2. In another bowl, mix the remaining ingredients together to taste.
3. Adjust seasonings to your liking.
4. Combine, and use the tuna salad in a delicious melt.

Nutritional Information:  3 servings

• calories: 289
• fat: 23.9
• carbs: 5.3

*I don’t care if this video makes people uncomfortable.  I love it.

My niece recently gave the synopsis of a movie she referred to as, “Animal Graveyard.”

“There’s this cat that dies, and the family buries it, and it comes back evil.  Then their kid dies…”

“Wait,” I asked, “don’t you mean “Pet Cemetery?”

It was an error, but Elyse was on to something.  Renaming “Pet Cemetery” to “Animal Graveyard” made it new again.  Fresh.  I wondered if it would work with other films.  Not necessarily more late 80’s Stephen King adaptations though.  “Emilio Estevez Rides By On His Bike And Sees A Woman Who Has Been Strangled By The Cord On Her Hairdryer” kind of takes the punch out of “Maximum Overdrive”.

My aim was to revitalise films starring Teri Garr.  I like her, and felt she never got enough credit.

• “Dustin Hoffman Dresses Like A Woman To Steal A Role From Teri Garr To Finance Bill Murray’s Play, And He Also Has Romantic Feelings For Jessica Lange”
• “Michael Keaton Stays At Home So Teri Garr Can Work On A Tinned Tuna Marketing Project”
• “Teri Garr Has Sex With Gene Wilder Because He’s Stressed Out About A Necromancing Project Gone Awry”

These new titles, like the recipe below IMO, just work.

Mom’s Bacon Wrapped Water Chestnuts

• 1lb thin cut American bacon, cut in half
• 1 1/4 cup ketchup
• 1 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 1/2 cup horseradish
• 2 8oz cans of water chestnuts

1.  Preheat the oven to 350f/175c.
2. Mix brown sugar and catsup together.
3. Line a baking tray with foil.
4. Wrap bacon half around the water chestnut, and brush with sauce.
5. Secure with a toothpick.
6. Bake for 50 minutes.
7. Make a public post on my mom’s FB page how much you enjoyed her recipe.  Please.

*Whenever my life feels out of control, I look at YouTube and see all the fan-made videos of 80’s movies set to music, and I feel better.

There was no post last week. I was nestled in a cabin deep in the Smoky Mountains, just outside Dollywood.  A place like that wouldn’t have wifi, right?  It turns out the password was directly above the thermostat and clearly labeled.

But I’m better prepared this week.  I had to be.  While Dollywood was a wholesome adventure (aside from some confusion regarding an eatery called “Aunt Granny’s”), Graceland turned out to be a libidinal rollercoaster.  The world needs to think about Elvis in a sexual way again…or at least the 9-12 people who read this blog do.

The Elvis in my head was a great American icon, but he was a comical figure too. My first glimpse of Elvis was on his way down.  But, Jesus Christ, why didn’t anyone really tell me about “UP” Elvis?  Like, it would have barely taken any effort for an adult to pull me aside and say, “Hey, he wasn’t much to look out at towards the end, but check him out when he was a bashful kid with with a gyrating pelvis.”  I could have been fantasising about him when I was a young teen instead of those terrible 70’s vampire movies HBO aired at 2am.  I don’t want to dwell here, but I robbed of twenty-seven years worth of guilt-free exploratory material.

So, There I was.  Walking around Graceland experiencing regret, lust, wonder, and a faint memory of an interview where Cybill Shepherd said Elvis loved going down on her.  It was agony.  Hyper-arousing agony, which only make it better.  And then worse.

Don’t take my word for it though.  Maybe you’re lucky and already know Elvis’ obvious charisma.  But if you’re on the fence, watch “Clambake.”  Anyway, here’s a recipe for Elvis’ favorite sandwich.

*I”ll leave you with this quote from a friend in response to Elvis’ Graceland kitchen, just so you’re aware that I acknowledge there was a real man within the legend.  I’m not so naive as to believe Elvis was flawless.

“Of all the fucked up stories I’ve heard about Elvis, nothing has shocked me quite as much as seeing that his kitchen was carpeted.”

There you have it; nobody’s perfect.  But, I would absolutely forgive his carpeted kitchen.  I might even go as far as to say I prefer a man who chooses a fully carpeted kitchen.

I’m lucky enough to be in the land down under experiencing a gauntlet of emotions.  The joy of friendship, the wonder at the ocean waves, and the astonishment of finding multiple men with ponytails sexually attractive.  It’s a topsy turvy mixed up world, and I’m happy to be along for the ride.

In honour of it all being literally turned upside down, here is a peanut butter cookie recipe.

I don’t use peanut butter, and I rarely make cookies, but this recipe is great.  When I”m back in London I will work on the recipe using another nut butter and less sugar.  You know, something shitty and void of joy.

Peanut Butter Cookiles

• 1 cup smooth peanut butter
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1 pinch salt

1. Preheat oven to 350f 175c.
2. Mix all ingredients until smooth.
3. Make 1 inch balls and press down with a fork to make a lattice pattern.
4. Cook 6-8 minutes.
5. Enjoy!

As a treat, I took myself to the cinema to see “The Shallows.”  I had some preconceived notions about what a shark movie staring Blake Lively might be like, which were mostly correct…however, in a surprising twist, I did not root for the shark the entire time.

*Spoilers ahead!  

The story centers around Blake Lively’s character (I can’t remember her name so I will call her Blake Lively), who searches out the Mexican beach where her mom, who has recently died of cancer, used to surf.  It is implied that the death is especially tragic because of how very attractive Nancy’s mother was.  Blake Lively finds the beach by hitching a lift from a nice man who refuses to tell her what the spot is called…or even where it is.  None of this makes sense.

The picturesque and secluded beach comes complete with a couple of handsome, but not too handsome (to die), surfers who take an immediate liking to Nancy.  That’s her name!  Nancy kills it on the monster waves, just as any twenty-five year old woman from Galveston Texas would, further endearing herself to her equally talented peers.  Nancy takes a break on the beach to eat and apple in a way that is all at once lascivious and wholesome, and re-applies sunblock to her smoking hot body.

Shit gets real after lunch though.  The clouds take on a grey gloom which allows the viewer to prepare themselves for the inevitable blood in the water they’ve been craving.  In a cheap nod to horror films everywhere, Nancy decides to catch one more wave on her own as her buddies head to dry land.  Sorry to be incredulous here, but those guys would have definitely waited on her with high hopes of a tasty carnitas meal and a threesome.

Anyway, Nancy gets distracted by what is obviously a dead and bloated whale in the distance, and paddles out to investigate.  A twenty-five foot great white shark gently bites her leg, but allows Nancy to swim to the rotting whale and climb to safety.  Some very tense stuff happens, and Nancy finds herself at the mercy of the tide on a raised coral bed alongside an injured seagull. She names the Seagull “Steven Seagull”, and I fantasise about strangling Nancy with her own golden locks.

She spends the night on the coral rock and tends her wounds with her jewellery.  Nancy is a medical student, so she is okay with giving herself stitches and applying a tourniquet made from torn wet suit.  I know getting attacked by a shark is a bummer, but it couldn’t have happened to a person with a better set of skills, or needle-shaped jewellery.

The Stew Thickens:

1. At first light, a drunk man robs Nancy’s backpack and heads into the water to retrieve her surfboard against Nancy’s protests of “Help!” and “Shark!”   He gets his legs bitten off,  and his torso crawls to shore.  Nancy sobs into her hands.
2. The prudish surfers from the day before return and don’t believe Nancy when she shouts at them to get out of the water.  They laugh at her and say there are no sharks in this area.  They are immediately devoured.
3. The tide is coming in, so Nancy has to get the fuck off the rock.  She records a heartfelt message asking for help with a camera from one of the surfer’s helmets.  He doesn’t need it anymore as he’s been eaten.  She throws the camera feebly at the shore.
4. She fixes the seagull’s dislocated wing and pushes him towards land on a bit of surfboard.  This scene makes me feel oddly emotional, and is a game changer.  For the first time I want Nancy to make it.

I could honestly go on for five-thousand words, but that would make me worry about myself.  So, just go see it.  There’s something for everyone.  Blake Lively looks like a billion bucks, but you also get to see her lose lots of blood and give up hope.  And there is a monster shark.  It won’t be the best two hours of your life, but it won’t be the worst either.

Shark Cakes

• 400g cooked Great White shark, or white crab meat
• 2 green onions finely chopped
• 3 TBS coconut flour, divided
• 1 TBS Old Bay seasoning
• 1/4 cup mayonnaise
• salt
• black pepper
• coconut oil/ghee for frying

1. Mix crab meat, 1.5 TBS coconut flour, and Old Bay seasoning.
2. Pour in the egg and add the mayonnaise.
3. Season with salt and pepper and mix.
4. Form into 8-10 patties.
5. Chill for at least an hour.
6. Cover a plate in coconut flour and dredge the cakes in the flour.
7. Cook for 2-3 minutes per side in a couple tablespoons of cooking fat.
8. Delicious.  Enjoy with coleslaw or salad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqLwCSv6F7Q