Lent.  This may be a surprise to some of you who know absolutely nothing about me, but I used to be a Catholic. Church services, confession, and those delicious communion wafers may have been left behind, but there are some church teachings that remain permanent scars on my psyche.  Firstly, that every enjoyable experience can be ruined by guilt…also, that I am a pervert. I observe the annual Lenten ritual because I cannot resist the opportunity to put myself down a peg or two.  Forty days and nights of depravation is exactly what I deserve.

In the past I’ve given up things like grape Hubba Bubba and shoplifting.  This time, like an annoying pregnant woman, I’m not telling.  All I will say is that I’ll miss it.  Now, please excuse me while I tighten this cilice around my thigh and turn up the volume on the “700 Club.”

But please pay me no mind.  Go enjoy yourself!  God won’t mind if you don’t start early like yours truly.  Get wasted, have sex with a prostitute, eat that leftover stash of Halloween candy.  For the  next several hours you can do whatever the fuck you want.  If you’re English, you’ll waste the opportunity and eat some pancakes.  Whatever floats your boat.

Recipe for an English Mardi Gras

They’re good and low carb, but you should really be trying to get some head from the Ocado guy instead.

But, bon appétit, you prude.

• 6 eggs
• 3 TBS coconut flour
• 3 TBS tapioca flour
• 1 cup milk of your choice.  I used coconut.
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1 TBS olive oil, or oil of your choice.
• Coconut oil for greasing the pan

1. Whisk everything together and allow the mixture to sit for ten minutes for the coconut flour to work its magic.
2. Heat a pan over medium-high heat and brush with coconut oil.
3. Pour 1/4 cup of batter and swirl in the pan to coat the bottom.
4. Cook for a minute or so, until the edges curl up slightly and pull away from edge of the pan.
5. Carefully flip and cook the other side for another minute or so.
6. Use as you would a normal crepe.  Don’t treat it like it is any different.

URGENT UPDATE-PUNXATAWNEY PHIL DID NOT SEE HIS SHADOW.  EARLY SPRING, BITCHES.

Is Groundhog Day a holiday?  I hope so because it’s my sixth favourite, just behind
Valentine’s Day.  There’s not a whole lot to do on Groundhog Day, outside of watch“Groundhog Day,” and decide that, just for today, you’ll allow yourself to have those pesky Andie MacDowell fantasies.

As a child, the whole groundhog thing was a very big deal to me.  I remember getting super pissed off when Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow in 1984.  Tears were shed, and I slammed my fist on my thigh the way men in films about the Vietnam war reacted to a buddy getting studded by sniper fire.  But somehow my temperament regarding this particular holiday has mellowed over the years.  Perhaps it’s living in a more temperate climate…I really don’t know.  It is a relief, however, to finally not have to rely on a rodent soothsayer.

Don’t misunderstand me, I still have heart for the holiday, but without the debilitating emotional and meteorological attachment.  Visiting Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania on Groundhog Day would be a dream come true.  I’d also like to go to the Westminster Dog Show dressed like Sharon Stone from “Casino,” but first things first.

Groundhog Day Barbecue Sauce

It should come as a relief that this is not a barbecue sauce to put on a groundhog, or a sauce that contains groundhog.  It earned the name by being a groundhog-esque experience getting it right.  I tried subtle variations of the recipe many times.  At first too spicy, then too much vinegar, not enough sweetness…you get the point.

I won’t say the recipe that follows is perfection.  You’ll have to try it, and alter it to your tastes.  I would like mine sweeter, but I’m trying to keep the sugar at bay.  So, feel free to add a few more dates.  But overall, this is not too shabby.

Freeze half and use the rest as the mood strikes.  I like to brush it on my okonomiyaki.

BBQ SAUCE

• 1 medium onion cut into 8 pieces
• 1/2 cup plus 2 TBS white wine vinegar
• 6-8 dates
• 1/4 cup tomato paste
• 2 TBS coconut aminos
• 1.5 TBS all-natural liquid smoke
• 2 large cloves garlic
• 2 tsp fish sauce
• 1 tsp mild chilli powder
• 1.5 tsp sea salt
• 1 tsp paprika
• 1 tsp dijon mustard
• 1/4 tsp allspice
• 1/4 tsp cracked black pepper

****Add more chilli powder or cayenne as you see fit, but be careful.  I almost blew out my O-ring on the first batch.

1. Combine and blend in your Vitamix or other high speed blender until nice and smooth.
2. Simmer for 15-20 minutes, taste, and adjust your seasonings.
3. Be a winner and try to make every single day count.

A couple weeks ago I posted a bolognese recipe.  Shortly thereafter I received a few messages asking if the recipe was “any good.”   One person in particular didn’t want to be “dicked around” if I was only posting “crappy recipes” that I’d “never even tried before.”

You can be forgiven, dear reader, for questioning whether or not I should be allowed to vote in a local election or swim with dolphins…but, my recipes are GOOD.  (Unless I tell you they’re not.)  They might even be DELICIOUS to someone who is coming off a detox diet, or who was raised in Ireland.  My recipes are tried, tested, and true.  I post pictures I’ve taken as a sort of ‘proof of life’ to ensure authenticity.  There are no guarantees you’ll love them…as all tastes differ, but I am absolutely not dicking you around.

Don’t ask me for legal advice, if you should divorce your spouse, or why I’m crying on the bus.  I don’t have the answers you’re looking for.  But, if you want some heartfelt suggestions about what you should do with old bananas, I’m your girl.

Beef Tacos

Make them.  Eat them.  You’ll probably like them.

• 1.4 Kilos/3 lbs ground beef
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 3 garlic cloves crushed
• 3/4 cup water
• 2 cups tomato puree
• 4-5 TBS taco seasoning

Heat a deep pan over medium heat.  Saute the garlic, onion and beef until cooked and brown.  Add the rest of the ingredients and simmer on low for 45 minutes.

This makes approximately 37 generous portions.

Taco Seasoning

• 2.5 TBS chilli powder
• 1.5 TBS sea salt
• 1.5 TBS ground cumin
• 1 TBS dried oregano
• 2 tsp onion powder
• 2 tsp ground coriander
• 2 tsp paprika
• 2 tsp ground annatto *optional*
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1/4 tsp ground pepper

Mix it up.  Use as needed.

http://youtu.be/ZcJjMnHoIBI

Am I proud? Not really, but I refuse to be ashamed. See, I will go to bat for Gwyn against those who would malign her prudish name, but I will also make her look like she’s about to eat a dick. It melts my heart a little that she believes she’s an ordinary girl, with everyday struggles. But, I’m flabbergasted to the point of rage that she believes sharing the story about how Cameron Diaz gave her a Brazilian wax makes her warm and relatable. I suppose the word I’m looking for is “ambivalent.”

Of course, I wanted to know what the star of “View from the Top” ate for breakfast, but I also needed to be the kind of person who makes fun of the people who buy Gwyneth Paltrow cookbooks. Then my free will was taken away. I had to have it. Gwyn stole my heart on page 96 with her ginger and tuna burgers. I calculated they would cost me £9.35 apiece to make. All of her recipes began with out-of-touch anecdotes like, begging the chef at The Ivy for a cobb salad recipe, normal kid summers in Nantucket and the soup she ate while secluded in a Japanese monastery. We’ve all been there.

Her miso salad dressing left me lightheaded and agitated. I wanted to make it, but I hated her for it too. It was like finding oneself sexually attracted to Justin Beiber.

I can’t help it. I want to make gazpacho with her, then push her down a well. Then pull her back up again.

Chicken, Pomegranate and Macadamia Salad

This is my original recipe.  Gwyneth Paltrow has a recipe in her cookbook which is mashed avocado on toast. I can do anything I want.

• 1 cooked chicken breast, shredded or cut into small chunks
• 1 TBS chopped macadamia nuts
• 1 TBS pomegranate seeds
• 1 TBS finely chopped celery
• 1/8 tsp onion power
• 1/8 tsp salt
• 1/8 tsp dijon mustard
• pepper to taste
• homemade mayo

Mix it all together and eat it.  Pretend you’re at a Japanese monastery having a threesome with Luke Wilson and the teacher from GLEE.

The eve of 2016 sounded in a New Year that promises to be both great and odd.  I drank half a bottle of Zubrowka, ate unpalatable homemade pork rinds, and watched Slap Shot with my parents until 3am.  I told my brother’s boss not to leave before midnight because “shit’s probably going to get weird,” and I called my seventeen year old niece a dick on Facebook.   I accomplished all this while dressed as 1950’s housewife…success?

I did not wake into a brave new world.  I turned from the sun like a creature that lures children into the woods to devour their souls, and then ruefully examined my outbox to see what damage I’d done.  But, it was the first day of a new year, so I turned myself around and went for a run.  That was my only accomplishment.

The rest of the day was a painful haze.  I watched Slap Shots again.  Ate approximately fifty chicken wings and tried to remember the last time I’d been proud of myself.  Then…I watched Rocky for the first time.

I didn’t know.  I had no clue.  It is THE anthem for lonely losers.  How did my high school guidance counsellor let me graduate without seeing this film?  The scene where he locks Adrian in his crappy apartment, offers her some donuts and takes off his shirt, symbolically  baring his soul, well…I identified more than I liked with his neediness.  “HEY PAULIE! YOUR SISTER’S WITH ME! I’LL CALL YOU LATER!” I played it cool in front of my family, but by the end I was a sobbing mess on the inside.  All he wanted was to go the distance. I’m so glad he did.

God, I’m crying again.

Rib-Cracking Bolognese 

Did Rocky ruin all those slabs of beef, or did he make them better?  I’m not sure, but I do know this beef tastes better when you cook the fuck out of it.

• 2 leeks finely chopped
• 4 carrots finely chopped
• 4 sticks celery finely chopped
• 2 Tbs olive oil
• 1.5 tsp salt
• pepper to taste
• 1 lb (450g) ground pork
• 1 lb (450g)  ground beef
• 1 cup dry red wine
• 1 cup coconut milk
• 750g (28oz) tomato passata
• 2 cups chicken stock
• Optional-a couple tablespoons of pate to stir in at the end.  It gives it a nice organ-meaty taste…if you like that sort of thing.

1. Normally, I start by putting my carrots in a food processor and then adding in the leeks and celery and chopping until fine.
2. Heat the olive oil and cook the carrot, leek and celery base in with 1 tsp of the salt for 5-10 minutes.
3. Turn the heat up and add your pork and beef.  Cook all the way through until brown and caramelised. It adds flavour.
4. Deglaze with the red wine.  Pour it in and get all the bits off the bottom.  Let it cook for a minute or two.
5. Add the stock, tomato and coconut milk and bring to a boil.
6. Turn the heat to low and cook for four hours.  Keep the lid a bit off centre.
7. If it sticks, add some stock a half a cup at a time.
8. Season with extra salt and pepper if you wish.

This freezes well for single serve portions, and has lots of protein for the Italian Stallion that lives inside each and every one of us.

It’s real good.

As much as I hate Christmas, I love New Year’s.  Not the party on the 31st where you drink too much Genny Cream Ale and make out with a Depew cop…I mean the austere first day of a brand new year.  What joy to wake into a fresh world, reborn and clean!  If you choose, you can draw that hazy and unfocused gem of yourself from the ether of your mind’s eye and shine it through redemption, toil and self-discovery.  Or, you can eat four frozen toaster strudels and watch “Road Trip” in your panties.

2016 Goals:

1. Get my UK Driving Licence.
2. Perform at least one pull-up.
3. One month of Whole Food 30.
4. Learn to sew.
5. Write for thirty minutes a day.
6. Commitment to 4 days a week of exercise.
7. Run the Buffalo Marathon.
8. Tell my shrink what those voices in my head are really saying.
9. Yoga once a week.
10. Floss twice a day. Real dental floss.  Not just that pipe cleaner bullshit.
11. Read two books a month.

****BONUS**** Learn to play the accordion just to be super fucking weird and annoying.

This is a lot to shoot for, and normally I don’t nail down my resolutions so firmly.  I always hope that fantasies such as, “be happy,” and “look more like Daisy Fuentes,” will land in my lap.  But, I am being proactive this time around.  I have a whole other list of personal goals too.  These mostly involve my FB addiction and an oath not to watch certain porn genres anymore.  I feel like I’m going to make it.  Things are gonna’ change.  I’m a winner.  But it won’t be easy.

“If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.” Benjamin Franklin

He’s right motherlickers.  I’m planning ahead.  You too.

Thai Prawn Omelette

This is quick and easy.  Have the ingredients on hand and this will fill you up so you don’t give up in the first few hours.  It’s so easy to say “fuck it” and wash down chunks of walnut fudge with a tequila mimosa.

• 100 grams prawns
• 2 sliced spring onions
• 2 eggs
• 1 tsp fish sauce
• 1/2 tsp apple cider vinegar
• 1 Tbs tapioca flour
• 2 tsp coconut oil

1. First, cook the prawns and spring onions in 1 tsp of the coconut oil.  Remove from the pan, and set aside.
2. Whisk the eggs, fish sauce, apple cider vinegar and tapioca flour until completely combined.
3. Heat the remaining coconut oil over medium-high high heat.  When the pan is smoking, pour the eggs in and cook for a minute until well set.
4. Sprinkle on the prawns and spring onions and flip the omelette.  Cook for another minute.
5. Serve with homemade mayonnaise, hot sauce and sliced avocado.  Delicious.

Christmas is the worst.  Most of you will disagree with me because you’re nice and normal, and like mulled wine.  But I also know a few will be nodding your heads in agreement, eager to pipe in, “Yeah! More people kill themselves around Christmas than other other time of year!” (Which is not true, but it feels so good to have you on my side.)

There’s a lot of build-up, anticipation, thought, effort, and money put into this hateful time of year .  Maybe you’re lucky enough to have a family full of people who appreciate a homemade brick of confetti fudge as a present…maybe you’re an entitled brat who gets her sister so upset that she storms off sobbing into a snowstorm to spend Christ’s birthday in a mid-range hotel.  There are no winners in this game.

I’m totally bringing myself down with this, but the entire season is like when that housewife from “Love Actually” opens the gift she thinks is going to be a ruby necklace, but it turns out to be a Joni Mitchell CD, and she realises her husband (Professor Snape) is banging his secretary who is very beautiful, but also looks like an alien fish creature.

Christmas is BALLS BALLS BALLS.

But, this recipe makes it better.  Because it makes the best kind of  balls.

Have a tolerable Christmas.

Sunbutter Ballseyes

These are very nice, but they won’t take away the sting of being unlovable and unloved.

• 200g chocolate of your choice.  I like a mix of dark and milk.
• A few tablespoons coconut oil.
• 250g Softened butter.
• 600g Powdered sugar.
• 500g Sunbutter.

1. Cream butter and sunbutter.
2. Gradually add powered sugar by hand until well mixed.
3. Chill for a few hours, or overnight and roll into 1 inch balls.
4. Melt chocolate in a double boiler and add some coconut oil to thin it out a bit.
5. Dip the balls half way into the chocolate with a toothpick or chopstick.
6. Set on wax paper and allow to harden in the refrigerator.
7. Store between layers of wax paper and keep in the refrigerator.
8. Shove a couple balls in your mouth when you taste the sourness of disappointment rising.

Nicknames are funny things.  They can be endearing or hurtful, an exalt or a stain.  They are a snapshot into how we are perceived by the outside world and categorised by our family and closest friends.  They are one of our first lessons in accepting the will of others, and are an external force that somehow manages to shape us from the inside out.

As a child I was known as “The Vulture.”

All because I was a seven year old with a brother-in-law who was a bit of dick, and I could eat A LOT of wings.  Like, I was insatiable.  I would stand over the box, hopping from one foot to the other, completely focused on  getting all the drumettes out first.  I could eat 30 wings in a sitting, stymied only by my inability to procure more wings.

Being called a vulture bothered me a little.  But it also set the expectation that a fuck-ton of wings had to be set aside for me.  So, it was a bittersweet victory of sorts.

As the years passed, I tried to distance myself from my bird-of-prey moniker.  My primary objective shifted from getting more wings to a mournful longing to grow breasts and french kiss a boy taller than me.

I really tried on the other two fronts, but now I’m back to a sure thing.  And I have the wonderful recipe for oven baked buffalo wings.  They’re simply the best.

Enjoy!

Buffalo Wings with Ranch Dip

*I know ranch dip is not the traditional choice, but this recipe makes a great dairy-free loption.  Feel free to toss in some chunks of blue cheese if you like.

Wings

• 1 Kilo/2 lbs  jointed chicken wings
• 4 TBS melted ghee, unsalted butter or coconut oil
• 1 tsp flaked sea salt
• 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1/4 cup Frank’s Red Hot sauce or Choula
• 1 tsp white vinegar or apple cider vinegar

Ranch Dip

• 1/2 cup homemade mayonaise
• 2 TBS coconut milk
• 1 crushed garlic clove
• 1 TBS dried parsley
• 1/2 TBS dried chives
• 1/2 TBS dried dill
• 2 tsp apple cider vinegar
• 1/4 tsp onion powder
• 1/4 tsp sea salt

1. Heat the oven to 400f/205c.
2. Toss the wings with two tablespoons of the ghee, 3/4 tsp salt and 1/4tsp of cayenne.
3. Place the wings on a wire rack over a foil-lined rimmed baking sheet.  Bake for 35-45 minutes, flipping once.
4. Make the ranch dressing, by mixing all the dip ingredients.  Cover and refrigerate.
5. Make the wing sauce by combining the remaining two tablespoons ghee, hot sauce, 1/4 tsp salt, 1/4 tsp cayenne and 1 tsp vinegar.
6. When the wings are done, toss with the wing sauce and serve with the ranch dip and some carrots and celery sticks.

http://youtu.be/aIrCFrFpHvw

I want to lose these last seven pounds.  Will it make the world a better place?   Probably not, but it greatly increases my options for slutty Halloween costumes next year, and that’s what really matters.

I don’t feel like I’m getting older, but there are wrinkles…weight is harder to lose, and every single time I get my period I praise a Hindu god that I’m at least a year out from the menopause.  I am doing this now because I know that in a few years I’ll be focusing my energies elsewhere.  Like, building a feline army, knitting adjustable waist leggings and frightening small children with the putrefying decay my dentist has foretold.

Sometimes when I share my fitness/lifestyle goals, people take offence.  It seems like there are all these rules.  It’s not okay to be overweight.  Don’t be skinny.  If you work out too much, you’re conceited.  If you don’t work out, you’re lazy.  It’s vain to dress up like Red Sonja and take selfies.(Who knew?)  You’re a pig if you eat an entire Danish puff in one sitting, but lack grit (in my opinion) if you don’t.  There is absolutely no way to win.

Since I can’t win, I’ve decided to do what I want.  Yes, of course my primary concern is to be healthy and strong, but I want to take it a step further.  Naked pictures.  Naked pictures so good, that thirty years from now I will pull them out to show the EMT.

A Sassafrassi Mango Lassi 

• 160 grams cubed mango
• 1 cup coconut water
• 100g whole fat greek yogurt
• pinch of salt
• pinch of cardamon power

Blend it up and drink it down.

This makes a satisfying breakfast on the go.

It has 5 Weight Watchers points.

*A picture of my pussy…too far?

*A note on how I plan on making one Olan Mills photographer very uncomfortable…  I will lift weights twice a week, run three days, and I have joined Weight Watchers.  I follow a mostly paleo, gluten free diet, except for when I don’t.  Also, I will airbrush some abs on and photoshop a unicorn into the background.