Let me preface this by saying that I do like the UK. English people are very polite, and they can be funny when they’re drunk. And I love that when I go to the dentist, I get treated like I’m Cameron Diaz. There is a darker side though. They are sooo bad at customer service. I could bore you with many tales where I received less than optimal customer care, but that is its own spectacular brand of douche. Just take my word for it.
What I’m dealing with at the moment is the reaclimating process. In Australia, the teenage boy baggingmy groceries asked, “how are you today, miss?” Baristas calmly accepted my decaf coffee orders without scoffing. A sales person told me I was making the correct choice when I bought a kangaroo scrotum bottle opener. There was eye contact. Smiles. I almost mounted a hotel concierge when he upgraded my room. All around me light. Things done properly. Condiments on the side. Gluten free menus. Men successfully pulling off ponytails and seven inch beards whilst selling boomerangs. I felt a part of it all. I longed to be a part of it all.
Now, I’m back. I won’t be going out for dinner very much, or leaving the house. So, here’s a very nice Laksa recipe.
Chicken and Prawn Laksa
*I’ve made it before and I’ll make it again. I just don’t have the picture ready.
*This little lady is a Golden Tamarin and has nothing to do with turmeric paste, but it’s what pops into my head anyway.
There are a whole list of health benefits to taking turmeric in some form. I’m not going to go over them though because I’m a lazy sack of shit.
Anyway, for the past several months I’ve been telling various people that they should take turmeric. This is usually in response to them telling me about their rheumatoid arthritis, cancer, sore joints…you name it. Then it dawned on me that I don’t take turmeric. And how absolutely fucking annoying it must be to get blanket nutritional advice from some moron who has never even taken turmeric herself, and who also just ate two cups of caramel popcorn for dinner?
So, I’m taking the turmeric all by my lonesome…and not so I can be a smugly entitled twat either. I’m done giving unsolicited medical advice because I’m not a doctor, and it’s a shitty thing to do. Now, please consider my teaspoon a day as a sort of anti-inflammatory penance.
Turmeric Paste
1/2 cup (90g) turmeric powder
1 cup water (plus more if the mixture gets dry)
1/3 cup (90g) coconut oil
2-3 tsp freshly ground black pepper (adding the pepper makes the paste more effective)
Mix water and turmeric powder over low heat and whisk occasionally for 7-10 minutes. If the mixture gets too thick, add a little water.
Remove from heat and whisk in the coconut oil and and black pepper.
This will keep in the refrigerator for 2 weeks. You can freeze half if you don’t feel you will get through it that quickly.
I’m not sure what to do with it other than choke down a half a teaspoon a couple times a day, but I’ll keep you posted if anything delicious happens.
*I think I’ve posted this song three or four times on this blog, but it just feels right. Every. Single. Time.
I’m lucky enough to be in the land down under experiencing a gauntlet of emotions. The joy of friendship, the wonder at the ocean waves, and the astonishment of finding multiple men with ponytails sexually attractive. It’s a topsy turvy mixed up world, and I’m happy to be along for the ride.
In honour of it all being literally turned upside down, here is a peanut butter cookie recipe.
I don’t use peanut butter, and I rarely make cookies, but this recipe is great. When I”m back in London I will work on the recipe using another nut butter and less sugar. You know, something shitty and void of joy.
Peanut Butter Cookiles
1 cup smooth peanut butter
1 cup white sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1 pinch salt
Preheat oven to 350f 175c.
Mix all ingredients until smooth.
Make 1 inch balls and press down with a fork to make a lattice pattern.
I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks. I have the excuse of vacationing in a communist wonderland, which ultimately prevented me from my weekly update. Yet it still saddens me to think I may have let down the four people who read this blog.
This may sound like a bit of a leap to those who weren’t raised in a guilty Catholic home, but shirking my self-imposed blogging duties gave me a bit of anxiety. Not unlike the kind Mickey Rourke’s character experienced in “The Wrestler” when he went on a coke binge, had a dodgy sexual encounter in a public restroom, and woke up a day later realising he’s missed a special dinner date with his estranged daughter. We are both poor planners with impose control issues.
But I’m back, and I have a cobb salad recipe.
Cobb Salad
Salad
1/2 iceberg lettuce, finely sliced
5 handfuls of baby spinach
8 slices of cooked streaky bacon, crumbled
100 grams of blue cheese cut into 1 cm cubes
4 medium tomatoes cut into 1 cm cubes
2 cooked chicken breasts cut into strips
4 hard boiled eggs cut into 1 cm cubes
2 ripe avocados cut into 1 cm cubes
4 TBS finely chopped chives
Mustard Dressing
1 TBS Dijon mustard
2 TBS white wine vinegar
125 ml extra virgin olive oil
sea salt and black pepper to taste
Arrange all the salad ingredients on a platter in the OCD pattern of your choosing.
Combine dressing ingredients and shake the bejesus out of it. (The original recipe requires an emulsification process to make a creamy dressing, but I did not pre-read the recipe and ended up with a fine salad dressing anyway.
Combine on your plate and enjoy. This salad is great with a dollop of blue cheese or ranch dressing mixed in too.
At the end of the meal, take a chair and break it over your dinner companion’s head.
I don’t consider myself a ridiculous person. I have the same basic needs and wants as anyone else: family, friends, health, safety, shiny hair, and the occasional falconry course. But, it’s getting weird for me to have people over for dinner.
“What do you like to eat?,” I’ll ask before I dish out an official invite. See, I can make pretty much anything, and I aim to please. The problem is when they say, “Just make what you normally would. I’m sure we’ll love it.”
Gosh. What do I do? Honestly, for the past few years I’ve treated myself as a science experiment. I look like an average person, but I’ve seen and eaten things that would make you shudder. I went through a phase where I put SAUERKRAUT in my smoothies. So, I get that what may taste great to me, may taste like the cubed cheese at an old folks’ home to you.
But I’m always trying. When I can, I ask a person with normally functioning taste and smell to sample my recipes. For instance, my brother said the crab cakes from last week’s recipe were delicious. And he wasn’t just being nice, as he’s not.
So, this week I’m being realistic. This is the smoothie I’m drinking while there are nice blackberries around. If you want it to dance on your tastebuds, up the apple content and remove the avocado. Have it your way, baby!
Blackberry Smoothie
1 cup coconut water
7-8 blackberries
1/4 apple
large handful of spinach
1/2 avocado
1/2 juiced lime
pinch of pink himalayan sea salt
Put all ingredients into a high speed blender and make into a nice smooth drink.
Throw a handful of macadamia nuts and an inch and a half of chorizo into a Princess Diana memorial mug, and you’ve now experienced breakfast at my house.
As a treat, I took myself to the cinema to see “The Shallows.” I had some preconceived notions about what a shark movie staring Blake Lively might be like, which were mostly correct…however, in a surprising twist, I did not root for the shark the entire time.
*Spoilers ahead!
The story centers around Blake Lively’s character (I can’t remember her name so I will call her Blake Lively), who searches out the Mexican beach where her mom, who has recently died of cancer, used to surf. It is implied that the death is especially tragic because of how very attractive Nancy’s mother was. Blake Lively finds the beach by hitching a lift from a nice man who refuses to tell her what the spot is called…or even where it is. None of this makes sense.
The picturesque and secluded beach comes complete with a couple of handsome, but not too handsome (to die), surfers who take an immediate liking to Nancy. That’s her name! Nancy kills it on the monster waves, just as any twenty-five year old woman from Galveston Texas would, further endearing herself to her equally talented peers. Nancy takes a break on the beach to eat and apple in a way that is all at once lascivious and wholesome, and re-applies sunblock to her smoking hot body.
Shit gets real after lunch though. The clouds take on a grey gloom which allows the viewer to prepare themselves for the inevitable blood in the water they’ve been craving. In a cheap nod to horror films everywhere, Nancy decides to catch one more wave on her own as her buddies head to dry land. Sorry to be incredulous here, but those guys would have definitely waited on her with high hopes of a tasty carnitas meal and a threesome.
Anyway, Nancy gets distracted by what is obviously a dead and bloated whale in the distance, and paddles out to investigate. A twenty-five foot great white shark gently bites her leg, but allows Nancy to swim to the rotting whale and climb to safety. Some very tense stuff happens, and Nancy finds herself at the mercy of the tide on a raised coral bed alongside an injured seagull. She names the Seagull “Steven Seagull”, and I fantasise about strangling Nancy with her own golden locks.
She spends the night on the coral rock and tends her wounds with her jewellery. Nancy is a medical student, so she is okay with giving herself stitches and applying a tourniquet made from torn wet suit. I know getting attacked by a shark is a bummer, but it couldn’t have happened to a person with a better set of skills, or needle-shaped jewellery.
The Stew Thickens:
At first light, a drunk man robs Nancy’s backpack and heads into the water to retrieve her surfboard against Nancy’s protests of “Help!” and “Shark!” He gets his legs bitten off, and his torso crawls to shore. Nancy sobs into her hands.
The prudish surfers from the day before return and don’t believe Nancy when she shouts at them to get out of the water. They laugh at her and say there are no sharks in this area. They are immediately devoured.
The tide is coming in, so Nancy has to get the fuck off the rock. She records a heartfelt message asking for help with a camera from one of the surfer’s helmets. He doesn’t need it anymore as he’s been eaten. She throws the camera feebly at the shore.
She fixes the seagull’s dislocated wing and pushes him towards land on a bit of surfboard. This scene makes me feel oddly emotional, and is a game changer. For the first time I want Nancy to make it.
I could honestly go on for five-thousand words, but that would make me worry about myself. So, just go see it. There’s something for everyone. Blake Lively looks like a billion bucks, but you also get to see her lose lots of blood and give up hope. And there is a monster shark. It won’t be the best two hours of your life, but it won’t be the worst either.
Shark Cakes
400g cooked Great White shark, or white crab meat
2 green onions finely chopped
3 TBS coconut flour, divided
1 TBS Old Bay seasoning
1/4 cup mayonnaise
salt
black pepper
coconut oil/ghee for frying
Mix crab meat, 1.5 TBS coconut flour, and Old Bay seasoning.
Pour in the egg and add the mayonnaise.
Season with salt and pepper and mix.
Form into 8-10 patties.
Chill for at least an hour.
Cover a plate in coconut flour and dredge the cakes in the flour.
Cook for 2-3 minutes per side in a couple tablespoons of cooking fat.
*If you read on, you’ll see I mean this in the kindest way possible.
I like coleslaw. I think it is really nice. I do have a strong case for why it should only be made at home though. I used to happily order it at restaurants, but then I met my sister-in-law. She once worked at a diner where the chef was…there’s no classy way to say it… masturbating into a large vat of the stuff. The place also had the distinction of buttering a cockroach into a customer’s raisin toast because she was “rude.”
Normally, I don’t allow restaurants that operate like “Saw” films to intimidate me. I just don’t eat there. But, I’ve been permanently damaged by my sister-in-law’s artful and descriptive storytelling. So, if you are a lover of coleslaw, make it at home. It’s easy, nutritious, chemical free, and definitely won’t contain semen. Or, be like my buddy Shawn and only eat vinegar based slaws.
Coleslaw
300 grams homemade mayonaise
1.5 Tbs white wine vinegar
1/2 tsp sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 white cabbage, cored and shredded thinly
3 carrots grated
ground black pepper, to taste
Mix the mayonnaise, vinegar, sugar, and salt together.
Several weeks ago an elderly Spanish man did something that now causes the power in my kitchen to go out several times a day. I called him to fix a chandelier, but in doing so, he caused an imbalance in the cosmic force that governs the electricity in my kitchen. Butterfly effect? I have no idea as I never saw that Ashton Kutcher movie.
So, last night I was faced with a dilemma. I had a four pound pork shoulder, some red Hawaiian sea salt, the unnerving desire to use my crock pot…and an unreliable power source. I think all would agree that I had no choice but to plug the cooker in next to my bed.
It was a meaty, bubbly night. I woke several times and fretted over the pork’s temperature and progress as if it were a sickly infant, and the blue glow from the display panel kept me on edge. But, I believe, like any animal who eats its young, it was worth the effort.
`Okole maluna.
Hawaiian Pork Buddy
*This recipe is dedicated to Shawn Doherty
4-5 pounds boneless pork shoulder, skin on
5 slices thick-cut bacon
1 Tbs-1.5 Tbs coarse red Hawaiian salt
5 garlic cloves, peeled
Line the bottom of a slow cooker with bacon.
Rub the pork generously with the salt.
Cut slits into the port and push the garlic in.
Place the pork, skin side up into the slow cooker.
Cook on low for 16 hours.
Remove the pork from the liquid that has accumulated.
Take off the skin and fat and set aside.
Shred the pork into a clean bowl.
Taste and adjust seasoning by adding a small amount of the crock pot liquid.
If you’re a wild beast (like me) remove the fat from the skin and mix it through the pork. The fat tastes sooooo good.
This is two straight weeks of pancakes, but I’m trying to get it right. “Pancakes for all proclivities” is my motto. Not really, but here’s another recipe anyway.
These are made with four ingredients: Coconut flour, eggs, salt, and gluten-free baking powder. Super simple. And it makes two big pancakes. There’s no bullshit commitment to a huge batch. You’re not left pondering where it’s all went wrong with a plate of twenty-seven pancakes, suddenly realising you’re completely alone in the universe. Nope, this is a meal for one. Possibly two; if you have a small child who will take one bite and then tell you “nope”, and to basically go stuff yourself.
I like them though. They are nice with a little butter and maple syrup, but best as a savoury base. I topped mine with cheddar cheese and a fried egg. I have no groceries in my house, but this hit the spot.
Try it! I hope you like them. I you don’t, go stuff yourself.
Savoury Coconut Flour Pancakes
3 Eggs
2 Tbs coconut flour
2 pinches salt
1/8 tsp baking powder
butter/ghee/coconut oil for cooking
Mix all ingredients to a smooth batter.
Heat a pan over medium heat and melt your fat of choice.
Pour in half the batter, and cook for two minutes.
I have a headache. My eyes hurt, and this morning I cried in the shower.
The past few weeks I’ve relied on coffee to pull me through the fog of sleepless nights. Normally I’m a great sleeper, but lately I keep waking up in the middle of the night…panicked. And then I feel the need to immediately find answers to such topics as:
Total Gym. Were Chuck Norris and Christy Brinkley banging?
What was Hitler’s mountain house called?
How tall is Fiona Apple?
Anyway, my eclectic sleuthing has caught up with me, and I must get back on the wagon. I’m on day two of no caffeine, and it sucks. I’m distraught, tired, and still no closer to unraveling the mystery of Chuck and Christy. All I want is a coffee.
Banana Pancakes
2 ripe bananas, mushed
4 eggs, beaten
pinch of salt
pinch of cinnamon
splash of vanilla
coconut oil for greasing the pan
Mix it all together.
Pour scant 1/4 cup rounds into a medium heated and well oiled skillet.
Cook for 2 minutes on one side, flip carefully and cook for another minute.
Serve with butter and chopped nuts, or any other feexins you desire.
Enjoy. I mean, they’re not like regular pancakes, but they are sweet and a little custardy.
*I want this sooo bad.
The Lunchadora 