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Miso Pickles and the State of the Union address

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I just watched the State of the Union address.  Don’t worry.  This is a blog about food, and holistic pinworm remedies-not my pinko political belief system.  But I can’t resist a few bipartisan observations of the President’s speech:

  1. It’s cringeworthy when a person claps for what they themselves have just said.  That’s the kind of thing high school football coaches do. “Now let’s get out there and wallop those WILDCATS!”  Don’t do it.  Show some restraint.
  2. It’s a little okay to say “American heart,” or “American hands,” but never both in the same sentence.  The human brain will automatically compile a list of American body parts after more than one American body part is named.  “American fingers,” “American toes,” “American noses” “American bladders” “American penises.”  It’s distracting.
  3. We all know the President meant “beautiful, clean (activated char)coal.”  Activated charcoal is a great detoxifier.  And it removes most stains from your teeth if you leave it on for 3-5 minutes.  The other kind of coal does none of those things.  Not making that clarification is lazy.

*Unrelated, but Happy Groundhog Day tomorrow.

Miso Pickles

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  • 3 small cucumbers washed and halved lengthways with the seeds scraped out
  • diakon and/or carrots cut into batons
  • 150g red miso
  • 150g white miso
  • 1TBS sake
  • 1TBS honey
  • 1/2tsp garlic power
  1. Mix the misos, sake, honey, and garlic powder to form a thick paste.
  2. Lay the vegetables, at most, two layers deep.
  3. Completely coat the vegetables in the miso mixture.
  4. Cover and leave 2-5 days.
  5. Wash off the miso.  Enjoy.

Nutritional Information:  None.  Pickled vegetables have minimal calories, fat, etc.  If you’re eating enough pickled vegetables to sabotage your diet, you’re a hero.  And your pee smells awful.

 

 

 

 

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Miso Pork Belly

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* First of all…holy mother-licking crap.  Check out the nutritional data on this meal.  You need to know what you’re up against.

I didn’t know.

This is how it went down…I made a delicious meal.  I ate a massive portion of that meal.  My blood thickened in my veins.  I went to bed.  I had a nightmare about Oprah.  Afraid to go back to sleep, I organised my underwear drawer and calculated the nutritional information of the meal that had given me meat sweats and chest pain.  1300 calories of pure pork fat.

It was delicious.  Worth it in a “nuclear missile strike imminent” kind of way.

I can’t pare this recipe down to healthy, but my goal is to be able to eat it without feeling pieces of my heart stick together.

Miso Pork Belly

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  • 4 TBS red miso
  • 2 TBS sake
  • 3 TBS mirin
  • 2 TBS tamari
  • 900 g pork belly cut into 1.5 inch chunks
  • 3 TBS olive oil
  • 1 large carrot cut into 1 inch cubes
  • 6 inches daikon cut into 1.5 inch cubes
  • 2 TBS sweet white miso
  • finely sliced spring onion
  • A complete disregard for your own health
  1. Combine red miso, sake, mirin, and tamari to create a marinade.
  2. Marinade the pork belly overnight.
  3. The next day, remove the pork belly from the marinade.
  4. Reserve the marinade.
  5. Brown the pork belly in a dry, hot pan until the pork begins to color and crisp up.
  6. In a large casserole pan, heat the olive oil and saute the carrot and daikon for a few minutes, until softened.
  7. Add the pork belly, marinade, and 1 litre of hot water.
  8. Cook over low heat for 1.5-2 hours.
  9. Stir every 30 minutes or so, and cook until the pork is soft and you get a nice gravy to your liking.
  10. Mix in the sweet white miso.
  11. Serve over steamed rice and top with spring onion.
  12. Try not to have a massive coronary event.

*  WARNING:  NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION (4 servings)

  • calories-1312
  • fat-130.7
  • carbs-8.9
  • protein-24

 

 

 

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Tuna Umami Salad

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There are going to be many miso recipes on this site for a while.  I accidentally ordered five tubs, intending one…and I’m obsessed with Bonnie Chung’s cookbook, Miso Tasty.  Her recipes are fantastic.  And she’s passionate.  Nobody will ever love me as much as Bonnie Chung loves miso.  Which would be sad…if it wasn’t a fate I deserved.

Anyway, I’ve had friends and family staying with me for the better part of two months, but now I’m on my own again.  Instead of joining a doomsday cult, I’m keeping busy by;  making the best tuna melts in the world, reading books about rice, and watching Louis Theroux’s Weird Weekends.  (Which is a great show, except for when he’s mean to that gay for pay porn actor in season 1.)  Plus, summer is only 134 days away.  And I’ll be 42 in ten months.

Tuna Umami Salad

This sandwich filling is somehow like a hug.  It’s perfect if you have to substitute human interaction with umami rich foods for an extended period.

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  • 150g (weight after draining) of tuna in oil
  • 1/4 cup mayonaise
  • 4tsp white miso
  • 3tsp mirin
  • 10 gherkins finely chopped
  • pinch of white pepper
  1. Shred the tuna into desired texture.
  2. In another bowl, mix the remaining ingredients together to taste.
  3. Adjust seasonings to your liking.
  4. Combine, and use the tuna salad in a delicious melt.

Nutritional Information:  3 servings

  • calories: 289
  • fat: 23.9
  • carbs: 5.3

 

*I don’t care if this video makes people uncomfortable.  I love it.

 

 

 

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Small Batch Honey-Miso Coconut Butter

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I can’t remember if it was last year or the year before, but my New Year’s resolutions were insane.

Highlights:

  1. Give back to the community in some vague, noncommittal way.
  2. Become a completely different person.
  3. Learn to play the accordion.
  4. Make sure every part of my body is never gross.

And about thirty-five more.

I didn’t follow through on a single one. I can’t quite articulate the uneasy space of striving to be a better, but creating a set of expectations that sabotages the entire process…yet I’m sure that’s what I was doing.

 

Not this year though.

Goals for 2018:

  1. Pass UK driving test.
  2. Become an Eagle Scout.
  3. Quit caffeine.

Honey-Miso Coconut Butter

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  • 40 grams coconut butter, softened
  • 10-15 grams white miso
  • 10 grams (or to taste) honey
  1. Mix together into a smooth whipped butter.
  2. This is for a friend who is lactose intolerant, but eats cheese, milk, and butter anyway, and then soils rental cars.

Nutritional Information:  six (10g servings)

  • Calories: 78
  • Fat: 4.6
  • Carbs: 7.4
  • Protien: 0.4

 

 

All Posts, Recipes, Why I'm So Lonely

YOLO Lonely Lady’s Cheesy Shrimp Pasta

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*Someday, I will have this dog.

An RSPCA representative knocked on my door late Saturday afternoon.  It was cold, the sun was setting, and he had the panicked look of a young man who needed to meet a target.  I was lonely, so I let him in.

He asked me where I was from, and said I had a beautiful accent.  I considered telling him to quit it.  I mean, I let him in…I was a sure thing for £10 a month for the rest of my life.  But I enjoyed the dynamics of having a young man in my home gently coaxing me for cash. So, I allowed him to compliment my cookbook collection, my cat (who honestly always looks like she’s just been brought back from the dead), and a picture of my father.  It was fucking awesome.

Anyway.  After he left, I made this meal.  It felt indulgent to eat so much shrimp at once, but YOLO!

YOLO Lonely Lady’s Cheesy Shrimp Pasta

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  • 56 g rice pasta, cooked according to package instructions
  • 150 g peeled raw shrimp, cooked
  • 2 tsp olive oil
  • 25 g grated cheddar
  • as much Flavor Gods “everything spicy” seasoning as your lonely heart desires.
  1. Basically, combine everything over a low flame and heat through.
  2. I like to enjoy this with carrot sticks and a fizzy Berocca
  3. Bon Appétit.

Nutritional Information:  cals: 521, fat: 20.5g, carbs: 43.3g, protein: 41.5g

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Okonomiyaki

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***My brother

I wish I could write something fun that doubles as a life lesson, but I can’t.  Not today.  At least not without being super preachy.  I’m feeling sanctimonious having been stuck inside for two days caring for my sick five year old.  See, I’m a perfect mom when my child is ill.  Cuddles, timely removal of vomit from buckets, a constant stream of grape flavoured electrolyte, games of Operation, and I never take a temperature rectally.

Normally, I don’t mention my kid because I’m sure it’s upsetting to some people that I’m responsible for the emotional and physical health of another human being.  But I”m prideful of my mothering abilities on a sick day.

Anyway, here’s an easy recipe with a thousand ingredients and several labor intensive steps. My brother liked it, but he’s been placating me ever since he told me a few weeks ago that he never misses me.

Okonomiyaki

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INGREDIENTS:

  • 4 slices bacon, cooked crisp and chopped
  • 1/2 cup rice flour
  • 1/2 cup tapioca flour
  • 2/3 cup dashi or chicken broth
  • 2, large eggs beaten
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/4 tsp white pepper
  • 5-6 spring onions thinly sliced
  • 2 cloves garlic, crushed
  • 1/4 tsp ground ginger
  • 1/2 pointed or napa cabbage finely shredded
  • 300 grams raw shrimp, peeled and chopped
  • 2 TBS katsuobushi flakes
  • 4 TBS oil for frying
  1. Combine all ingredients up to the cabbage and mix until smooth.
  2. Gently stir in the cabbage,  shrimp, and katsuobushi flakes.
  3. Heat 1 TBS oil until shimmering.
  4. Add 1/4 of the mixture and cook for three minutes until nice and golden.
  5. Carefully flip and cook another 2-3 minutes.
  6. Use a pastry brush to coat one side of the pancake with the okonomiyaki sauce (recipe below).
  7. Follow the same process to create three more.
  8. Top with katsuobushi, sesame and nori, and mayonnaise.
  9. It is a lot of work, but it’s worth it!

Okonomiyaki Sauce

  • 3 TBS ketchup
  • 1 tsp soy sauce
  • 1 TBS worcestershire sauce
  • 1 tsp honey
  • 1/4 tsp garlic powder
  1. Mix all ingredients together in a saucepan and heat on low until combined and slightly thickened.

TOPPINGS:

  • okonomiyaki sauce
  • Mayo (I have a great recipe on this site, but I’m not sure how to connect it)
  • nori and seaweed flakes
  • katsuobushi flakes

Nutritional Information: Includes the pancake recipe plus the okonomiyaki sauce and 1.25 TBS mayo.

  • Calories 582
  • Fat 32
  • Carbs 38.7
  • Protien 28.8

***Like this guy, my brother ain’t missing me.

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I Think I’m Back? Chocolate Banana Smoothie

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It’s been a while.  (By the way, I spent twelve minutes researching the difference between “a while” and “awhile”, and I still don’t understand what I was supposed to do.)  But that’s okay.

So, I’m back.  My hiatus was tied up in something, but I’m not sure what.  Oddly, what inspired me to sit down at my computer today were the last two hours of S-Town, Blade Runner 2049, being informally diagnosed with a serious mental illness by a management consultant, and next week’s okonomiyaki recipe.  And I wanted a safe place to confide the concern on my French teacher’s face when I told her that the only words I knew before I started her class were ”grapefruit”, “orgasm”, and “potato”.   (pamplemousse, la petite mort, and pomme de terre.)     

*General housekeeping:  I will be posting on Thursdays now instead of Tuesdays.  And, whenever I can, I will post nutritional information.

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Chocolate Banana Smoothie

  • 1 frozen banana
  • 100ml cashew milk (or milk of your choice)
  • 100ml coconut water
  • handful of fresh spinach
  • 1 TBS sunflower seed butter
  • 1/2 tsp turmeric powder
  • 1 TBS cocoa powder
  • 1 TBS collogen hydrolysolate (or protein powder of your choice.)
  • pinch of salt
  1. Combine everything in a high speed blender and process until smooth.
  2. Trust me, it’s better than you think it will be.

1 serving, 395 calories, 18g fat, 42.7g carbs, 17g protein

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Bacon Wrapped Water Chestnuts and Teri Garr

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My niece recently gave the synopsis of a movie she referred to as, “Animal Graveyard.”

“There’s this cat that dies, and the family buries it, and it comes back evil.  Then their kid dies…”

“Wait,” I asked, “don’t you mean “Pet Cemetery?”

It was an error, but Elyse was on to something.  Renaming “Pet Cemetery” to “Animal Graveyard” made it new again.  Fresh.  I wondered if it would work with other films.  Not necessarily more late 80’s Stephen King adaptations though.  “Emilio Estevez Rides By On His Bike And Sees A Woman Who Has Been Strangled By The Cord On Her Hairdryer” kind of takes the punch out of “Maximum Overdrive”.

My aim was to revitalise films starring Teri Garr.  I like her, and felt she never got enough credit.

  • “Dustin Hoffman Dresses Like A Woman To Steal A Role From Teri Garr To Finance Bill Murray’s Play, And He Also Has Romantic Feelings For Jessica Lange”
  • “Michael Keaton Stays At Home So Teri Garr Can Work On A Tinned Tuna Marketing Project”
  • “Teri Garr Has Sex With Gene Wilder Because He’s Stressed Out About A Necromancing Project Gone Awry”

These new titles, like the recipe below IMO, just work.

Mom’s Bacon Wrapped Water Chestnuts

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  • 1lb thin cut American bacon, cut in half
  • 1 1/4 cup ketchup
  • 1 1/4 cup brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup horseradish
  • 2 8oz cans of water chestnuts
  1.  Preheat the oven to 350f/175c.
  2. Mix brown sugar and catsup together.
  3. Line a baking tray with foil.
  4. Wrap bacon half around the water chestnut, and brush with sauce.
  5. Secure with a toothpick.
  6. Bake for 50 minutes.
  7. Make a public post on my mom’s FB page how much you enjoyed her recipe.  Please.

*Whenever my life feels out of control, I look at YouTube and see all the fan-made videos of 80’s movies set to music, and I feel better.

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Falafels (Vegan)

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It’s been such a long while since I’ve read an exclusively paleo cookbook that I’ve forgotten why I’m not supposed to eat legumes…so, I’m eating them again.  Not all the time mind you, I’m not a slutty 2009 Gwyneth Paltrow.  But, after taxidermy-ing a hamster, I’m seeking out a life with slightly less gore.

Luckily, I make great falafels.  I’ll come clean and admit this is not my original creation.   It’s a recipe on a stained shred of paper from a 90’s cookbook written by a woman who had an entire chapter about crock-pot meals for one.  I’ve tried quite a few falafel recipes in my own lonely years, but I’ve never come across one this great.  It absolutely mimics the feeling of having a pretty, long-haired boyfriend from Santa Cruz.

Vegan Falafels

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  • 225 *dried chickpeas
  • 1 TBS tahini
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1 tsp cumin seeds
  • 1 tsp ground coriander
  • 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper (or to taste)
  • 1 garlic clove, crushed
  • Juice of 1/2 lemon
  • 100 grams fresh spinach
  • olive oil (or fat of choice) for shallow frying
  1. Soak the chickpeas in lots of fresh water overnight.
  2. Drain well, and combine all the ingredients (except the olive oil) in a food processor.
  3. Pulse to a coarse paste.
  4. Form into small patties.
  5. Heat the olive oil to medium and fry the patties 2-3 minutes per side.
  6. Drain on paper towels, and enjoy.

 

*This song just works.

 

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Lobster Breakfast Eggs for my Dad

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Two days in Buffalo, and my dad buys me a lobster.  I’ve been waiting my whole life for a man to buy me a lobster.  And there he was…all along; the man who impregnated my mother seven times.

Those who know my father all agree.  He’s the best.  Kind, funny, and can walk around  HomeGoods for ninety minutes without complaining.  And once in high school,  when a girl won the affections of a boy I really liked, my dad said, “I don’t understand why he didn’t ask you out, you’re the much nicer person.”

And then he ate the lobster meal I prepared like this:

*dinner scene from “What About Bob?”

So, because my dad said this was really good, and he doesn’t lie, I’m sharing this recipe with you.

Lobster Scrambled Eggs

  • 1 cooked lobster purchased by a person who loves you
  • 1-2 TBS butter
  • 8 eggs
  • 1/4 cup double cream
  • 1/4-1/2 tsp Old Bay seasoning
  • chopped chives
  • sour cream (optional)
  1. Clean the lobster of as much meat as you can, and cut into small bitesize chunks.
  2. Heat the butter over low heat and cook the lobster until just hot.
  3. Whisk the eggs, cream, and Old Bay seasoning.
  4. Add the eggs to the lobster and cook over very low heat until done to your liking.
  5. Sprinkle with chives.
  6. I topped my eggs with sour cream and additional Old Bay seasoning, but everyone else thought it looked gross.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSXoDC5rgQw

**Oddly, this is mine and my father’s song.  I think we only ever acknowledged the “I feel glad when you’re glad” portion of the lyrics and ignored the rest.