Recently, my Baileys consumption has increased into the exponential territory. This is for two reasons: Old Gregg, and my stalky, “Single White Female” tendencies.

Hmmn, what to say about Old Gregg?  It’s not a new sketch, but that’s fine by me. I prefer to stay 5-15 years behind on trends anyway. If you’re interested, look him up on YouTube. I recommend the first four minutes, but you’re on your own after that. Just see if you can resist the hankering for a glass of Baileys, and professing, “creamy!”

But, honestly, my friend Sofie is the main reason I’m pounding the beige stuff. Sofie is super nice, pretty and the kindest person I’ve ever met. She has her shit together, but doesn’t make you feel like a weirdo when you tell her you scream into your pillow every night, or that you think your uterus might be falling out.

Anyway, one morning I had breakfast at her house. She pulled out a bottle of Baileys and poured a shot into her coffee. I’m no prude, but I must have looked shocked. “It’s my special morning treat,” Sofie explained. “Like, every morning?” I asked. Her nod was all the permission I needed. It made me feel as exhilarated as a shy housewife at a 70’s key party.

Drinking Baileys in the morning was now cool. Sofie made it so. Of course, if Sofie murdered elderly people on the weekends, I would find it adorable and kill seven myself. But an uneasy thought crept into my mind; whatever Sofie did would of course be refreshing and hip, but trying to replicate the cool was like that time I tried on a purple romper. Simultaneously ageing, juvenile and depressing. So, I now keep my drinking a secret. I sip Baileys in the dark…staring into the blackness beyond my picture windows.  Of course, there no “right” way to enjoy it. Make it your own.

Now, without further ado, a natural dairy and preservative free Baileys recipe!

Old Meg’s Creamy Baileys

Like Old Gregg, John drinks his Baileys from an old shoe.

• 14 oz/400 ml coconut milk
• 1/3 cup coconut sugar, or more or less to taste
• 1/2 cup strong coffee, cooled to room temperature
• 1/2 cup coconut cream
• 2 tsp unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1/4 teaspoon almond extract
• 1 cup whiskey
• (optional) pinch of liquorice powder…every rose has a thorn

1. Mix the coconut milk and sugar together in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to a simmer, stirring often for 10 minutes. Remove from heat and leave to cool for at least an hour.
2. Place saucepan contents and remaining ingredients, except whiskey,  into a blender and combine until smooth.
3. Add the whiskey a 1/4 cup at a time until you feel a shot will make you feel good, but not good enough to take your top off.
4. Chill overnight, and then drink every single morning for five days. Anything left over can be chugged before you get on the bus to pick up your mom from Zumba.

Copenhagen has a rich and vibrant history that I’m not interested in researching, but I can tell you that it is a beautiful city with fantastic food and big-hearted people.  I stayed with friends in central Copenhagen, and we ate open-face sandwiches and drank coffee like we were in a Stieg Larsson novel.  (And, yes, I know he’s Swedish, but is it racist to lump them all into the “hot-as-all-get-out, open-face sandwich eating” category?)  My friend said something about the Next Top Model concept not quite taking off in Denmark because everyone has high enough self-esteem to understand how good looking they are.  They’re also beyond nice.  In particular,  they are very kind to and tolerant of children, which I can’t quite comprehend considering how expensive and light-coloured they prefer their sofas.

There is, however, an unspeakable horror that plagues Denmark.  Liquorice.  Danes insist it is delicious and tastes nothing like ear wax and tonic water, and they CANNOT GET ENOUGH.  “It raises blood pressure,” and “traditionally, it is made from horse’s blood,” are the kindest endearments they can muster in English.   But, when my hosts waved a Royal Copenhagen dish brimmed with that nasty shit under my nose, I folded.  I wanted to be sophisticated, but I had to fake it.  I shut down emotionally, gobbled down a few pellets, and tried to recall times in my life where I had been proud of myself.

Needless to say, I don’t have any recipes involving liquorice to share.  I do, however, have a simple open faced sandwich idea, and this phenomenal quote from Dolly Parton:  “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.”

I’m Depressed I’m Not Danish Open-Face Sandwich

• Homemade cream cheese-Take some whole-milk Greek yogurt (say a cup or so) mix in a 1/2 tsp of salt (or to taste) and wrap in cheesecloth or muslin.  Tie to a wooden spoon and suspend over a bowl for 10-12 hours, or until you reach the consistency you desire.  The longer you leave it, the tangier it gets.  I prefer it mild.  Or, you can be a normal person and buy some goddamn cream cheese.
• Handful of rocket
• Smoked salmon
• Gluten free crisp breads-I prefer Buckwheat.
• Squeeze of lemon and a grind of pepper.

Okay, make an open faced sandwich.

Also, when in Copenhagen, go see the mermaid.  She is miles away, but she needs you.  All she does is sit on that rock and wait for people to come by and wonder if a pervert has ever masturbated on her.  My gut says, “yes,” but a naive part of me wants to see the good in the world.

Everybody likes banana bread.  Perhaps it is not a first choice cake, but tell me, who can pass it up?  It’s like a date with a guy who is kind of weird, but who’s so into you he’ll take you to a hockey game AND Red Lobster without expecting a damn thing in return.  Also, this cake is yummy to have with a late afternoon cup of coffee, where you have a little smile and chuckle to yourself for being so cheeky.

Now, I’ve tried quite a few banana bread recipes, but they were all as unsettling as a gym teacher’s touch.  This recipe, however, is really good.  Is it great?  Well, almost.  If you’re expecting anything like that streusel topped perfection your Grandma Barb makes the one time a year you visit, I promise you will be disappointed.  So, lower your expectations to enjoy a nice tasting, MOIST all-rounder.

Aaaahhhh, So Moist Banana Bread

• 4 Old and disgusting bananas
• 4 Eggs
• 1 tsp Vanilla
• 1/2 cup/140 grams Sunbutter or other kind of nut butter-except peanut.  If you’re asking why, you haven’t done your homework.
• 4TBS/60g Melted butter.  I use salted because I’m a sea creature at heart, but you could try unsalted butter, ghee or even coconut oil.
• 1/4 cup/35 grams Coconut flour
• 1/4 cup/30 grams Hazelnut meal or other nut meal, but not peanut! Don’t do it.
• 1 TBS Cinnamon
• 1 tsp Baking soda
• 1 tsp Baking powder (gluten free)
• Pinch of sea salt
• Greased loaf pan

Preheat the oven to 350 deg F/175 deg C.  Put the bananas, eggs, vanilla, nut butter and melted butter into a blender and mix until well combined.  Pour the wet ingredients over the blended dry ingredients.  Pour into the greased loaf pan, loosely cover with foil and bake for 50-60 minutes.  You’ll know it’s done when the cake tester comes out clean.  Let it cool a little and then tip it out.  If you used sunbutter, the banana bread will turn green, and you’ll have some explaining to do when you try to feed it to a friend’s three year old.