*I didn’t take this picture.

Happy belated Thanksgiving! My second favourite holiday is nonexistent where I live, so the new tradition is to roll up some sliced turkey, down a bottle of prosecco and call my folks demanding they tell me, that out of all their children, they love me best.  Everyone knows it is my brother because he can pee standing up, but I’ve been practising, so he will have some solid competition soon.

Breaking with my new tradition, my brother  and I decided to travel to Krakow.  I’ve been before, but was happy to go again.  I love the beautiful city, the stern middle aged ladies, the castle, and the way Polish cakes look delicious, but aren’t.  The policemen wear bulky black snowsuits, and there are hot young priests wandering around in traditional vestments.  It’s everything I ever wanted, but didn’t know existed.

I was hoping for a relaxed holiday of meandering along the cobbled streets  and stuffing my face with smoked cheese, but John had different ideas.  He was a cruel taskmaster demanding salt mines and former Nazi death camps.  I obliged and drank heartily in the evenings, but we still managed to get along great.

There were a few hiccups.  At times it wasn’t clear if he was quoting a line from a movie or having a stroke.  He, in return, was disappointed that I hadn’t seen any movies outside of Taken 2 in the last ten years.  So, we tried to find a common ground.  John explained the plot of Fifty Shades of Gray to me, and I offered to read a chapter of the Twilight series to his voicemail every evening.  We were united our disgust of one another.  It was perfection.

Inside-Out Sauerkraut and Mushroom Pierogi for the Lonely Lady

*makes a single, lonely gal serving

• 3 Tbs raw sauerkraut rinsed and drained
• 1 Tbs butter
• 4-5 white mushrooms chopped
• 2-3 spring onions thinly sliced
• 30 grams/2 TBS cream cheese
• 150 grams cooked rice pasta
• a pinch of caraway seeds
• salt and pepper to taste

1. Heat the butter until melted and lightly bubbling.
2. Add the mushrooms and spring onion until cooked and softened.  Add a couple pinches of salt and some pepper and toss in the caraway.
3. Once the mushrooms and onions are done cooking, stir in the cream cheese and sauerkraut.  Taste and season.
4. Reheat the pasta.
5. Toss the sauce with the pasta and enjoy…you lonely lady, you.

Nancy called in the middle of dinner.  It took me a few minutes, but I’m a keen sleuth and deduced my sister was off her face.  A  dental appointment had gone disco and she was now organising her spice rack in stilettos and a romper.

She was riding a wave of pain killing serotonin that allowed her to  vacuum, organise her closet and meal prep for the upcoming week…despite having zero sensation from nose to jaw. I knew (from a tooth extraction in ’95) that there were regrets associated with dental narcotics. Mine were eating a full plate of spicy nachos and calling a boy that had recently dumped me to try to discuss armadillos.

“Oh,” she said, her words slowing and jumbling as she spoke, “I went online and bought a really ****ing expensive bonsai tree.”

Nourishing Rice, Pork and Prawn Soup

This is a filling and healing soup.  It is the kind of soup I wish I could have made for my sister that day.  We would have sat on the couch and watched stuff on Netflix that had lots of nudity.  Then, just before the drugs wore off, I would have had her call that guy who dumped me to discuss armadillos.

• 4 cups/1 litre bone broth (see Halloween post)
• 3/4 cup/150 grams short grain white rice or sushi rice, rinsed
• 1 pound/450 grams ground pork
• 2/3 pound/300 grams chopped, raw prawns
• 4-5 shitake mushrooms chopped
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 2 tsp rice wine vinegar
• 1 tsp fish sauce
• 1 tsp sesame oil
• 1/4 tsp white pepper
• 2 eggs lightly beaten
• 1 tsp ginger juice
• A few handfuls fresh chopped spinach
• 4 thinly sliced spring onions

1. Start by combining the rice with the broth and bring to a boil.  Reduce the heat and cover, simmering at the lowest possible heat for one hour.  Stir occasionally.
2. While the soup simmers, brown the pork, mushrooms, and garlic until the pork is cooked through. Set aside.
3. Combine the salt, vinegar, fish sauce, sesame oil, and white pepper, and mix into the pork mixture.
4. When the rice is done cooking, mix in the pork mixture and turn off the heat.  Add the eggs and mix thoroughly.  Lastly, mix in the spinach and spring onion and allow to sit for a couple minutes.

Serve with dulse flakes, sesame oil, toasted sesame seeds and coconut aminos.  I make a big batch and have it for lunch most days.  It’s good!  Delicious even.  Enjoy.

My 39th birthday was a few days ago.  Maybe it’s the hormones from my rapidly diminishing  reproductive capabilities, but the whole thing made me nostalgic.  I try not to dwell on the past too much (for instance, there was a stretch where I tried, unsuccessfully, to pee standing up), but I indulged in a good reminisce about what used to be important to me at various milestones.  At ten, it was jelly bracelets and fantasising about making out with Michael Jackson.  At twenty, it was trying to find a way to be self-sufficient without having to trade sexual favors for Aldi foodstuffs.  At thirty, there was a panic.  I was underwhelmed.  According to every shitty magazine I’d ever read, I was at my peak, yet I had never even used a lawnmower.

Now, on the eve of my 40th year, I’ve begun to appreciate all the odd moments that have brought me to this point.  I’ve arm wrestled a sailor and visited a zoo that had drawings of copulating animals in front of each enclosure. Once, I saw Judge Reinhold in the San Francisco Airport.  I have lived.  There is a short list of what I would like to accomplish by my 40th year written on the back of a picture of a werewolf.  But, I’m going easy.  Mainly, because I know how lazy I am, but more so because I want to spend the bulk of my thirties drinking Baileys in the morning sunshine and sending hate mail to the childhood bullies of my closest friends. I want to take the time to enjoy life’s pleasures.

Two Day Nuts

These are called two day nuts because they take two days to make.  Some time ago I read something about how nuts have to be prepared in a certain way, or they create tiny holes in your intestines that lets poo-poo float around in your blood.  I will never be able to enjoy a nutty party mix ever again. But, even if they didn’t turn intestines to jelly, I would still prepare nuts this way because they are delightfully crispy.

• Almonds, pecans, wallnuts, hazelnuts,  brazils, or any nut of your choice.  Cashews and macadamias don’t have to be activated and also go soggy if kept in water too long, so avoid those.
• Filtered water
• Salt

*Before you soak your nuts consider that they will need to fit single layer on cookie sheets in the oven.

1. Place your nuts in large bowl and cover with filtered water.  Add a few teaspoons of salt and mix until dissolved in the water.  What I like to do is separate my nuts.  For example, I keep a bowl of almonds, a bowl of pecans, etc.  Soak for 12 hours.
2. Rinse and spread the nuts out on unlined cookie sheets.  You don’t have to, but I separate my nuts here too.
3. Place the cookie sheets in the oven on the lowest setting.  If you have a fan in your oven, use it.  I initially keep a wooden spoon in the oven door to let the moisture out, and then remove it a few hours later.
4. Now, cook your nuts for 24 hours.  When you remember, stir the nuts around and rearrange the cookie sheets.
5. Once they’re done, eat your nuts.  Store the remainder in bags in the freezer, and take them out when you would like to eat nuts.

*This is the most I have ever written the word “nuts.”

The Inuits have over two hundred words to describe snow (not actually true, but let’s pretend).  The Korean word “Jeong” is complicated, but is the expression of love, affection, melancholy and longing for the past.  Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time” fits the bill.  The German word “kumerspeck” translates to excess weight from emotional overeating, or “bacon grief.”  There is beauty in simple expression, and I feel the English language is missing many important concepts. At least for my needs.

There are many times I cannot find the words for:

• The WTF of when a first cousin hits on you at a Phish concert.
• Feeling like a failure after a dental appointment.
• Hating “Family Circus” cartoons so much that you get a perverse sense of joy from reading them.
• Urgently needing to poop at a crowded house party.
• Having to abandon a masturbation session because, instead of Star Wars era Harrison Ford, you keep seeing the image of the kid you had a crush on in 8th grade…as he WAS in the 8th grade.
• Accepting a date with your snowboarding instructor and then remembering you’re married.

Now, I will leave you with something that doesn’t taste good, is wonderful for you, and fits a copious amount of vegetables into a couple of pint glasses. There is no word I can find for this one.  So, hmmm…vegturdfull?

Vegturdfull Smoothie

I have one of these every single day.  The taste is not so great, but it is not awful either.  About ten minutes after you finish it, you’ll feel like you can wrestle an orangutang and win.  Try one for yourself!

• 1 cup coconut water
• 1/2 avocado
• 1 TBS chia seeds
• small knob of ginger
• 2 TBS sauerkraut
• 1 cup spinach
• 1/2 juiced lime
• 3 inches of cucumber
• *any other stuff you have that is not too hideous.

Toss it all in your high speed blender, and puree that mess into oblivion.  Drink it down quickly, without thought.  If you focus your energy on it, it will suddenly have power over you.  Do not let it win.

http://youtu.be/BsKbwR7WXN4

“What’s so remarkable about that,” you ask?  Well, it was made of cauliflower, yet tasted nothing like a fart.  PIZZA PARTY!

I’d heard rumours of pizzas made with cauliflower, yet dismissed them as the fanciful follies of vegans, or the delusions of women who count one square of chocolate as a snack.  I love creamed cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, and there are times I enjoy the raw cruciferous crunch of this albino superfood, but I’ve been pissed on by hope too many times to believe a cauliflower could make a pizza.

*A note on cauliflower rice.  It is disgusting.  And I’m still trying to rebuild a relationship with my father after telling him that he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference if we subbed cauliflower for rice in the stir fry.  The trust is gone.

But, I’m happy to report that cauliflower pizza is delicious.  There’s a bit of cheese in the dough, so I’d like to experiment and try a dairy-free version.  But really, this recipe will more than do for right now.

Not a Fart Cauliflower Pizza

I”m very sorry, but I only have the measurments in grams.  I highly recommend a digital kitchen scale.  I was resistant at first, but I find it makes recipes consistent and tasty every single time.  Also, whenever people come over and see it on your counter they will assume you’re a drug dealer.  Major street cred without the gang initiation.

• 20 grams parmesan cheese, finely grated
• 60 grams grated cheddar or mozzarella
• 440 grams grated cauliflower-just whiz it in a food processor to a medium crumb.
• 1/2 tsp Italian seasoning
• 1/4 tsp garlic powder
• a few grinds of black pepper
• 1/4 tsp sea salt
• 1 egg

1. Preheat the oven to 210C/420F.
2.  Cover and cook the cauliflower in the microwave for 6-8 minutes, until it is nice and soft.  Once the cauliflower cools, grab a kitchen towel and squeeze the bejesus out of it until all the water is gone and you are left with a solid clump of dry stuff.
3. Mix the cauliflower with the rest of the ingredients until you have a nice little dough ball.
4. Spread it out in a circle on a lined baking tray.  I’d say the thickness should be 1/3 inch to a 1/2 inch.  I make the edging a bit thicker than the centre.
5. Put it in the oven and bake for 20 minutes.
6. Put your desired toppings on and bake for another 10 minutes or so.

Very straight-forward and easy.  Go easy though.  This pizza makes enough for two people.  Don’t eat the whole thing unless you want to blow out your O-ring.

Don’t stop believin’.  You can almost have it all….or half, to be precise.

The most common thing I hear after, “You should really start wearing sunscreen.” is “How do you find the time to make all this crap?” By “crap” I assume folks are referring to my drive to make everything “homemade,” or “handmade” (which is the gross British way of saying it).  Realistically? I’m probably missing out on making new friends, exploring my community and the basics of personal grooming…but I think it is worth it in the long run.

I like to know where my food comes from.  And taking control of ones condiments, in my opinion, is the final frontier of the insufferable person.  We are a persnickety lot and demand our animals be grass-fed, organic, massaged, and ultimately, (after they’ve eaten their favourite kind of clover, and had a satisfying sexual encounter) murdered by bow.  I’m going to take a leap and guess our paleolithic ancestors did not have complex mayo dips for dunking their dirt covered root veggies, but since we now possess this superior eggy technology,  it would be a shame not to use it, amiright?

I have tried a dozen mayonnaise recipes.  Many eggs have been sacrificed, expensive bottles of oil ruined (avocado, macadamia and olive), and all appliances called into service. Plus, wrist-breaking whacking whisk action.  But, I am a hero. This is a great mayo. Its versatility gets me fired up into ecstatic frenzy. There is, of course, raw egg.  If you feel squeamish about this, feed a small portion to the least favourite aged or pregnant person in your life and wait 12 hours.  If they don’t complain of stomach cramps, vomiting, or excessive diahareah, dig in and enjoy!

It Begins with Mayonnaise

• 1 egg…get a good one. The poor little bastard gives birth EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Her life is a nightmare.  At least make sure she is able to get some fresh air and and enough space for a little “me time.”
• 1/4 teaspoon mustard powder (Omit if you’re Shawn Doherty)
• 1 cup light tasting olive oil (Really important!  If you use extra virgin it will feel like you’re eating spreadable moonshine)
• 2 1/2-3 teaspoons apple cider vinegar
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

You will need a stick blender for this.  And be warned, they don’t last as long if you make mayonnaise all the time.  The motor can’t handle the viscious strength of a good mayo, and will make it a year…tops.  You’ll be riding the little guy hard and putting him back wet.  Proceed with caution.

1. Combine all the ingredients in the container that comes with the stick blender.
2. Give the egg a minute to settle to the bottom before carefully immersing the stick blender to the bottom.
3. Turn it on and let it mix while keeping the wand all the way to the bottom.  After a minute or so, it will thicken up.
4. When you have established that a strong mayo base has been formed, move the wand and mix the rest of the oil in.
5. Behold! Thick and glossy beautiful mayonnaise!

This keeps well in refrigerator for at least 10 days.  When in doubt, smell it.

Bonus*  Once you have all your ingredients out, this mayonnaise can be prepared in the amount of time it takes to listen to Regulators.

I want to get fit again. Specifically, I want to stop washing down bag after bag of pork rinds with prosecco. Look at me. I’m smart, beautiful and sexually alluring. It’s time I started treating myself like a treasure.

Generally, I do try to exercise and eat well, but there are always triggers. I’m ashamed to say it could be something as simple as Ocado being out of stock of organic spinach, or suddenly losing perspective and and feeling like my life is a Chris Isaak song. A couple of weeks in Buffalo didn’t help, not because it was depressing in any way, but because there are dozens of varieties of donuts. I was averaging a respectable 2.5 of them a day on top of wings, pizza, danish puff, pancakes and boilermakers…and it all kind of deteriorated from there. I was living the rockstar lifestyle of a person who eats hotdogs for a living, but without the fame or groupies. While it sounds idyllic, I physically felt like a person who eats hotdogs for a living.

I tried to get back into the healthy groove, but kept encountering setbacks. I put some thought into what was happening and realised that my biggest mistake, (outside the time I stalked that guy in 97′) was throwing in the towel the second I had a setback. I had the mentality that everything had to be perfect, otherwise the whole plan was ruined.

To counteract that unhealthy mindfuckery, I have decided to incorporate regular treats into my plan. The goal is not to lose weight, or get a butt that won’t quit, (although that would be awesome) but rather, to achieve a balance. More days feeling refreshed, energised and vibrant, and fewer days waking up under the pool table at Frizzy’s with a barbecue chicken finger stuffed in my bra.

Anyway, I want to start October off right. These brownies are the equivalent of walking into a room where a fan tousles your hair back, and the radio blasts the Cult’s “She Sells Sanctuary.”  Enjoy.

Nutella Brownies

• 1 cup/300 grams hazelnut butter (or any other nut butter)
• 1/3cup /105grams maple syrup
• 1 egg
• 2 TBS/40 grams ghee (melted, but cool)
• 1 tsp vanilla
• big pinch salt
• 1/3 cup/35 grams cocoa powder
• 1/2 tsp baking soda

Preheat the oven to 325F/160C. Combine all except the cocoa powder and the baking soda, and mix well. Sift in the cocoa powder and baking soda. Spread into a greased 8 inch circular cake tin. Bake for 8-12 minutes. They are better gooey then over-baked, as they get crumbly if cooked all the way through.

More this…

Less this…

I developed this recipe through trial and error, in one of my many attempts to recreate a suitable pad thai. I failed to the point of sploogey zoodely disgrace, but found redemption in this little gem. It is nothing like pad thai, but it is a real crowd pleaser.  And by “crowd pleaser” I mean that you can eat it by yourself, three days in a row, hot or cold, in formal-wear or My Little Pony underwear. It is a substantial meal with or without rice, and I think it is delicious. This is my go-to meal when I’m going to be alone or just feeling lonely.  I have it at least three days a week.

* A few words on wankily expensive ingredients. The first thing I noticed when I adopted a paleo-ish diet is how “sell your teeth and hair” expensive the ingredients are. And the quantities needed are excessive.  One cake recipe I tried called for enough almond flour in the batter to deep fry a panda. So many of the ingredients are wanky and don’t taste very good in the finished product because they are trying to fake something that shouldn’t be faked.  I try a lot of recipes.  Even ones I don’t think could possibly work, just to see if I can live the dream. I’m chasing a Mint Thins dragon. Most of the time it’s a big “NO,” but every once in a while I feel the magic. I try to not rely on recipes that will break me so hard financially that I have to live under a railway bridge, but I’ll go without regular pap smears for a good brownie.

So, I cannot recommend a substitution for the coconut aminos. It is expensive, and it’s as elusive as a man who’s willing to buy tampons, but I like it, and I use it a lot. It has been recommended as a substitution for soy sauce, but I don’t believe they taste anything alike. Save it for recipes where it is specifically called for.

Faux-Peanut Porky Surprise 

  I am well aware that this looks grim, but I don’t know how to photograph food.

There are two components to this recipe: the pork mixture and the fake peanut sauce.  I usually make the fake peanut sauce first and then cut the veggies while I fry up the pork.  If you make the sauce ahead of time, it is very easy to put together.

Porky Mixture

• 1 tablespoon coconut oil
• 1 pound/500 grams ground pork
• 3-4 spring onions sliced
• 2-3 garlic cloves crushed
• 6-10 fresh shiitake mushrooms diced (Optional)
• 2 eggs, whisked
• 2 teaspoons coconut oil
• 1 cucumber seeded and thinly sliced
• 3 carrots shredded
• Handful of cashews, chopped.

Melt the coconut oil in a skillet over medium heat and add the garlic, spring onion and shiitake.  Fry until the water evaporates from the mushrooms. Add the ground pork and cook until nicely browned.  Turn off the heat while you prepare the rest.

Scramble the eggs in a separate pan in the 2 teaspoons of coconut oil, then transfer them to the pork mixture. Turn the heat back on and add in the cucumber and carrot. Heat through until the vegetables wilt a little. Add the sauce (see below) and heat through. Sprinkle the cashews on top and enjoy.

Never so Lonely Faux-Peanut Sauce

• 1/2 cup coconut aminos*
• 1/4/cup sunflower/80 grams seed butter (I always use sunbutter because it tastes closest to peanut.)
• 2 teaspoons rice wine vinegar
• 2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar
• 1 dried date
• 1 clove garlic, smashed
• 1 tablespoon toasted sesame oil
• 1 teaspoon hot sauce (I use Choula or Franks Red Hot)
• 1/4 teaspoon white pepper

Now, put all the ingredients in your vitamix or other high powered blender and combine into a smooth sauce. If you don’t have Vitamix, do whatever you have to do to get one. It doesn’t matter how degrading it is, you’ll thank me in the end.

I hope this lives past the excitement of selling your mother’s wedding ring to finance coconut aminos. Play the link below for the perfect music to accompany your meal.

http://youtu.be/kHkojuUSDO8