Category Archives: Health

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Miso Pork Belly

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* First of all…holy mother-licking crap.  Check out the nutritional data on this meal.  You need to know what you’re up against.

I didn’t know.

This is how it went down…I made a delicious meal.  I ate a massive portion of that meal.  My blood thickened in my veins.  I went to bed.  I had a nightmare about Oprah.  Afraid to go back to sleep, I organised my underwear drawer and calculated the nutritional information of the meal that had given me meat sweats and chest pain.  1300 calories of pure pork fat.

It was delicious.  Worth it in a “nuclear missile strike imminent” kind of way.

I can’t pare this recipe down to healthy, but my goal is to be able to eat it without feeling pieces of my heart stick together.

Miso Pork Belly

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  • 4 TBS red miso
  • 2 TBS sake
  • 3 TBS mirin
  • 2 TBS tamari
  • 900 g pork belly cut into 1.5 inch chunks
  • 3 TBS olive oil
  • 1 large carrot cut into 1 inch cubes
  • 6 inches daikon cut into 1.5 inch cubes
  • 2 TBS sweet white miso
  • finely sliced spring onion
  • A complete disregard for your own health
  1. Combine red miso, sake, mirin, and tamari to create a marinade.
  2. Marinade the pork belly overnight.
  3. The next day, remove the pork belly from the marinade.
  4. Reserve the marinade.
  5. Brown the pork belly in a dry, hot pan until the pork begins to color and crisp up.
  6. In a large casserole pan, heat the olive oil and saute the carrot and daikon for a few minutes, until softened.
  7. Add the pork belly, marinade, and 1 litre of hot water.
  8. Cook over low heat for 1.5-2 hours.
  9. Stir every 30 minutes or so, and cook until the pork is soft and you get a nice gravy to your liking.
  10. Mix in the sweet white miso.
  11. Serve over steamed rice and top with spring onion.
  12. Try not to have a massive coronary event.

*  WARNING:  NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION (4 servings)

  • calories-1312
  • fat-130.7
  • carbs-8.9
  • protein-24

 

 

 

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Turmeric Paste

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*This little lady is a Golden Tamarin and has nothing to do with turmeric paste, but it’s what pops into my head anyway.

There are a whole list of health benefits to taking turmeric in some form.  I’m not going to go over them though because I’m a lazy sack of shit.

Anyway, for the past several months I’ve been telling various people that they should take turmeric.  This is usually in response to them telling me about their rheumatoid arthritis, cancer, sore joints…you name it.  Then it dawned on me that I don’t take turmeric.  And how absolutely fucking annoying it must be to get blanket nutritional advice from some moron who has never even taken turmeric herself, and who also just ate two cups of caramel popcorn for dinner?

So, I’m taking the turmeric all by my lonesome…and not so I can be a smugly entitled twat either.  I’m done giving unsolicited medical advice because I’m not a doctor, and it’s a shitty thing to do.  Now, please consider my teaspoon a day as a sort of anti-inflammatory penance.

Turmeric Paste

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  • 1/2 cup (90g) turmeric powder
  • 1 cup water (plus more if the mixture gets dry)
  • 1/3 cup (90g) coconut oil
  • 2-3 tsp freshly ground black pepper (adding the pepper makes the paste more effective)
  1. Mix water and turmeric powder over low heat and whisk occasionally for 7-10 minutes.  If the mixture gets too thick, add a little water.
  2. Remove from heat and whisk in the coconut oil and and black pepper.
  3. This will keep in the refrigerator for 2 weeks.  You can freeze half if you don’t feel you will get through it that quickly.
  4. I’m not sure what to do with it other than choke down a half a teaspoon a couple times a day, but I’ll keep you posted if anything delicious happens.

 

*I think I’ve posted this song three or four times on this blog, but it just feels right.  Every. Single. Time.

All Posts, Beauty, Health, Recipes, Why I'm So Lonely

I guess I’ll file this under “Health” and “Beauty” Gochujang (Korean Hot Pepper Paste)

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Today, I’d like to talk about cold sores.  Otherwise known as “fever blisters” (by people who are in denial that they have cold sores), or “facial herpes” (as my niece keeps reminding me).

Until two blissful years ago, I was a sack of poop who would say something along the lines of, “Gosh, I’ve never had one of those before.” to anyone expressing discomfort at the moistly pulsating scabs on their lips.  Then, I experienced my first cold sore.  The virus must have certainly been there awhile…buried and dormant, like Angelina Jolie’s painfully thin Russian sleeper cell character from the movie “Salt.”  And like the movie, my cold sore sucked something fierce.

It troubled me.  Every conversation I had, whether it was with a family member or total stranger, revolved around my rebirth as a person with a finicky, yet virulent, and contagious facial virus.

“I have a cold sore,” I’d start, making eye contact, hoping they could see beyond my weeping disfigurement through to the same, emotionally-stunted and insecure person I’d always been.

“I have a COLD SORE.”  I’d add, again, when they invariably steered the conversation away from my cold sore.

When all else failed, I’d fire out the question I really wanted to know; “Do you still love me?” (Which was mostly aimed at siblings and ex-boyfriends.)

Surprisingly, most people did not want to be drawn into the drama of discussing my HSV Type 1.  I mean, nobody wanted my face anywhere near them, but they treated it as a temporary disturbance.  On the faux pas scale of “full blown Ayn Rand obsession” to “spinach in the teeth,” the cold sore ranked closer to spinach.  Mostly, people want to talk about themselves, or ride the bus in peace.

Anyway,  I have another one.  I confided to one of my sisters the plan to share my not so secret secret with the three people who read this blog.  She told me, in no uncertain terms, that I should absolutely NOT write about my cold sore on a food blog.  She also said that I was still an attractive person who did not need people knowing all this junk about me.

So…you still love me, right sis?

Without further ado, here’s a recipe for Gochujang

Gochujang (Korean Hot Pepper Paste)

This stuff is great on any meat or vegetable, as a marinade, or mixed with mayo for a delicious dip.

It is a probiotic, which helps with gut health, which may help bolster the immune system of those with AIDS or cold sores.

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  • 1 cup water
  • 3 TBS brown sugar
  • 1/3 cup korean chilli pepper powder
  • 3/4 cup miso
  • 3/4 TBS salt
  • 1 tsp rice vinegar
  1. Sterilise a jar.
  2. Mix water and sugar over a low heat until the sugar is dissolved.
  3. Add the chilli powder and blitz with a stick mixer if you desire a finer texture.
  4. Mix in the miso until fully incorporated.
  5. Add in the salt and rice vinegar.
  6. Taste and adjust seasonings.
  7. Put in the jar and it keeps very well.

 

 

 

 

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American Psycho Routine (hoof morning tea)

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In my obsessive-compulsive world there is only one way to start the day (except when I am being lazy.)

First, I do a full body brush with an old back scrubber that I should wash, but never do.  I begin at the soles of my feet and brush my way up with a vigorous attitude.  I have been doing it for several years, and it doesn’t seem to be making any difference, but I also don’t know what I should be expecting.

Then I use a tongue scraper that painfully removes a yellow plaque which hardens when it makes contact with cold water.  Again, I don’t know why I do this, but based on what I’m seeing it is probably a good thing that I’m removing that shit from my mouth.

Next, I drink some water and try to poop.

Finally, I prepare my special drink.  This is where I feel like I’m setting myself apart.  Like I have something unique to offer.  See, I drink a gelatin/lemon/hot water mixture.  It makes me feel smug, like the people who make and eat quinoa salads out of mason jars.

So, here goes my first recipe.

Hot Lemony Beef Hoof Brew

  • 1 mug with a couple inches of water in the bottom
  • 1 Tablespoon Great Lakes Gelatin-from the red can or any other kind of quality gelatin.  Honestly though, don’t be a princess and expect a wide selection.  It is ground up animal bones, which is always fun to think about while you drink it.
  • Hot water
  • 1/2 Lemon
  • 1 tablespoon Coconut oil-Optional: use only when you’re feeling insufferable.  Which, for me, is a couple mornings a week.

Okay,  take the gelatin and sprinkle it over the water in the mug.  Let it bloom while you boil the water and cut the lemon.  Once the water has been absorbed by the gelatin, and there is a nice little goo puddle in the glass, pour in the hot water.  Then squeeze in the lemon juice with one of those contraptions bartenders use to make mojitos.  Decide if you feel extra special and add the coconut oil accordingly.  Give it a nice stir, and viola- hot lemony beef hoof brew.

It tastes gamey and sour, but it makes me feel like Gwyneth Paltrow.