I’ve always wondered if I could just run a marathon.  Like, get up out of bed, go to the starting line, and run 26.2 miles.  On May 29th 2016, I was given the opportunity to satisfy my curiosity.  Yes, I can mostly run a marathon.  To be precise, I can jog 17.5 miles, and then bow-leggedly amble the rest of the way like a forlorn sasquatch seeking a mate.

A while back I wrote about how I had begun marathon training.  And I did train.  I completed my long runs, short runs, tempo runs, and endurance-building weights sessions.  I had some injuries, but I also had a physiotherapist who looked like a young Ernst Hemingway.  Twice a month he adjusted my pelvis and attached electrical suction cups to various parts of my body, turning up the voltage as high as it could go.  Honestly, I felt on top of the world.

But, other parts of my life crept in and made me sad.  So, I took it out on the Buffalo Marathon.  I quit.  Not running became the protest of my unhappiness.  I refused to train.  I made kimchi and fed water kefir grains.  I felt very sorry for myself.

Yet, on race day, there I was at the starting line, unawares of how I had gotten there…like a politician who wakes, covered in blood, alongside a dead prostitute.  Since I was there, I figured I’d jog a little.  A very long story short, I put one swollen foot in front of the other and crossed the finish line almost SIX HOURS later.

I’m proud of myself in the way idiots who survive boxing a deer or lighting their farts on fire are proud of themselves.  I’m so stupid, but I’m still here.  I got a medal too.

Hot Chocolate for Idiots

*This is from my favorite cookbook, Many Hands Cooking-An International Cookbook for Girls and Boys.  Because it’s geared towards children, it is also useful for adults who make stupid decisions and fuck up a lot.

*What a great looking city.

I arrived in Buffalo late on Wednesday.  I had every intention of eating as I have been…i.e., like a human being who doesn’t hate herself.  But please allow me to jump to Friday.

What I Ate on Friday

• 1/4 homemade Danish puff and five cups of coffee with cream.
• Three sour cream Timbits donuts, and a small coffee with cream from Tim Hortons.
• A plate of 49’ers with two slices of thick bacon, and 1/4 of my mother’s leftover  raspberry waffle from The Original Pancake House.
• Two hamburgers (without the buns because I’m being super healthy) with cheese, bacon, and avocado alongside a five-inch oven-baked egg roll.
• Vanilla soft serve sundae with hot fudge, whipped cream, and nuts.
• There was other stuff too, but I blacked out and can’t remember.

I won’t lie.  It was awesome.  I feel like absolute shit, but I’m owning it.

All I have for you today is how to cook bacon in the oven.  You may think this is a cop-out, and it is, but it is still a useful skill.

Oven Baked Bacon

1. Preheat the oven to 400f/200c.
2. Go get some bacon and put it on a greased, foil-lined baking tray.
3. Cook for 15-20 minutes, but start checking on it after 12 minutes.
4. Drain on a paper towel-lined plate.
5. It lasts for a week in the refrigerator and three months in the freezer.
6. Keep the fat if you’re a disgusting human being.

*I feel embarrassed posting “American Girl,” but I’m doing it anyway.  I like the song.  It moves me.  And it is not my fault there is no rocky/bluesy/hint-of-country anthem for dual-nationality middle-aged women.

Next week’s post will be about how crack is pretty good stuff.  The week after that will be a tutorial on giving handjobs for quick cash.

A few months ago I ran into an old high school track buddy.  I always love seeing Amy and happily introduced her to my sister saying, “I love this girl…soooo fun.  One time we went to Pizza Hut and made our waiter cry.”  I looked to Amy, smiling and expectant.  I wondered what fun and zany story about the two of us she’d come up with for her friend.  She went off piste. “Ha! This girl.  When we’d go on distance runs, she’d always have to stop to poop.  One time when she was working at ****** ****, she accidentally drooled into a burrito but served it anyway.”  I was touched she was able to capture my essence so succinctly for a complete stranger, but it was awkward because we were eating at Chipotle.

Anyway, seeing Amy made me remember what fun running used to be. I mean, not because I was ever any good. Children under nine, and a curmudgeonly nonagenerian have served me my ass on a plate.  I have the gait of a sexually experienced chicken, and towards the end of long runs I become disoriented and aggressive.  But, I like it.  After going back and forth, I entered the Buffalo Marathon.  It was not a decision made lightly. Marathon training sucks away time and any hope of a social life, and my hair will smell like an armpit because I am too lazy to wash it more than once a week. The stakes are high, but I long to feel smug again.

*Also, congratulations to my brother on his first half-marathon!  He did great. But, what is not great is that he saw a man at the finish line in a skin-tight Jolly Green Giant suit, showcasing a massive penis..and John DID NOT SHOW HIM TO ME. Not cool, John. Not cool.

Anyway, here’s a recipe for quick energy after a tough workout.

Non-Constipating Protein Bars

I once knew a guy who decided to eat only PowerBars for a week.  He lost the ability to poop for an uncomfortable amount of time.  These protein bars won’t do you like that.  In fact, don’t eat too many at once, okay?  They are calorific and fibre dense. But don’t be afraid…just respect them.

• 2 cups/300 grams sunflower seeds
• 2 cups/200 grams unsweetened desiccated coconut
• 1 cup/240 grams coconut oil melted
• 1 1/2 cups/ 150 grams collagen peptides
• 1/2 cup/150 grams maple syrup
• 1 tsp salt
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 cup/180 grams dairy free, organic, soya free chocolate chips.  Or, bugger it…use what you have.

1. Combine sunflower seeds, desiccated coconut and coconut oil in a Vitamix (or other high powered blender), and process until smooth.
2. Scrape the coconut and seed butter into a bowl and add the collagen peptides, salt, maple syrup and vanilla.  Mix thoroughly.
3. Add in the chocolate chips, and spread onto a baking tray and chill in the refrigerator for 20-30 minutes.
4. Cut into desired squares and store in the refrigerator.

I take them out of the refrigerator 10-15 minutes before I want to eat them, as they taste better at room temperature.

*This makes a butt-load. Freeze some.