When I arrived in the UK  I was twenty-six years old, in a new country, and without a single friend in my new home…but only for an hour.  On the table in the flat I would share with NINE other people was a letter addressed to me.  The gist of it was, “Welcome. I think we will be great friends.”  It was signed by a girl named Naomi.  She became my first, and my best friend in London.

Naomi and I have had a series of adventures.  We have lived together, traveled together, and she has been there for me through many ups and downs.  Naomi helped me overcome a destructive, yet delicious phase where all I ate was Tescos custard, and my teeth wiggled loosely in my gums.  And she kept my spirits up the time a super keen woman from Harrogate forced us to make throw pillows into the early morning hours.  It is safe to say that Naomi has been protecting me from myself, and avid seamstresses for the past thirteen years.

And now she’s moving back to Australia.

I’d like to be able to say that I have had as large an impact on her as she had on me, but there is no way to match this lady.  I’m a creature of drama and crisis, while she is kind and patient.  She has been easy to love and befriend, and has always been there when I needed her.  I will be helplessly lost.

The only bright side today is this batch of waffles.  Hopefully, very soon, I’ll hear about a fatal shark attack.  Until then, I have waffles.

Waffles

• 3 large, room temperature eggs
• 3/4 cup coconut milk
• 2 TBS maple syrup
• 3 TBS melted and cooled coconut oil
• 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 cup raw cashew nuts
• 3 TBS coconut flour
• 3/4 tsp baking soda
• 1/4 tsp salt

1. Preheat a waffle iron.
2. Place all the ingredients in the order listed into a high speed blender.
3. Blend on low for 30 seconds, then blend on high for 30 seconds.
4. This makes 9-10 waffles, so fill the waffle iron accordingly.
5. Close the lid and cook for 5 minutes.
6. Enjoy!

*Add extras like blueberries or chopped and cooked bacon.  Have it your way, baby!

*Take your pants off and make it happen.

Let me preface this by saying that I do like the UK.  English people are very polite, and they can be funny when they’re drunk.  And I love that when I go to the dentist, I get treated like I’m Cameron Diaz.  There is a darker side though.  They are sooo bad at customer service.  I could bore you with many tales where I received less than optimal customer care, but that is its own spectacular brand of douche.  Just take my word for it.

What I’m dealing with at the moment is the reaclimating process.  In Australia, the teenage boy bagging my groceries asked, “how are you today, miss?”  Baristas calmly accepted my decaf coffee orders without scoffing.  A sales person told me I was making the correct choice when I bought a kangaroo scrotum bottle opener.  There was eye contact.  Smiles.  I almost mounted a hotel concierge when he upgraded my room.  All around me light.  Things done properly.  Condiments on the side.  Gluten free menus.  Men successfully pulling off ponytails and seven inch beards whilst selling boomerangs.  I felt a part of it all.  I longed to be a part of it all.

Now, I’m back.  I won’t be going out for dinner very much, or leaving the house.  So, here’s a very nice Laksa recipe.

Chicken and Prawn Laksa

*I’ve made it before and I’ll make it again.  I just don’t have the picture ready.

• 2 shallots thinly sliced
• 1 red chilli finely sliced
• 5 cm piece of ginger finely sliced
• 1 tsp coconut oil
• 2 lemongrass stalks finely chopped
• 2 chicken breasts finely sliced
• 400 g raw prawns, chopped
• 600 ml chicken or vegetable stock
• 2 TBS fish sauce
• 1 TBS brown sugar
• a few handfuls washed spinach
• 250 ml coconut milk
• 2 limes, squeezed
• bean sprouts, butternut squash noodles, zucchini noodles, cooked rice noodles, or cooked rice

1. Gently fry the shallots, ginger, and red chilli in the coconut oil.
2. Add the lemongrass, chicken, and stock.  Simmer and stir in the fish sauce and brown sugar.  Cook for 6 or 7 minutes.
3. Add coconut milk, spinach, lime juice, prawns, and whatever noodle you choose to use and cook for 3 minutes.

I don’t consider myself a ridiculous person.  I have the same basic needs and wants as anyone else: family, friends, health, safety, shiny hair, and the occasional falconry course.  But, it’s getting weird for me to have people over for dinner.

“What do you like to eat?,” I’ll ask before I dish out an official invite.  See, I can make pretty much anything, and I aim to please.  The problem is when they say,  “Just make what you normally would.  I’m sure we’ll love it.”

Gosh.  What do I do?  Honestly, for the past few years I’ve treated myself as a science experiment.  I look like an average person, but I’ve seen and eaten things that would make you shudder.  I went through a phase where I put SAUERKRAUT in my smoothies.  So, I get that what may taste great to me, may taste like the cubed cheese at an old folks’ home to you.

But I’m always trying.  When I can, I ask a person with normally functioning taste and smell to sample my recipes.  For instance, my brother said the crab cakes from last week’s recipe were delicious.  And he wasn’t just being nice, as he’s not.

So, this week I’m being realistic.  This is the smoothie I’m drinking while there are nice blackberries around.  If you want it to dance on your tastebuds, up the apple content and remove the avocado.  Have it your way, baby!

Blackberry Smoothie

• 1 cup coconut water
• 7-8 blackberries
• 1/4 apple
• large handful of spinach
• 1/2 avocado
• 1/2 juiced lime
• pinch of pink himalayan sea salt

1. Put all ingredients into a high speed blender and make into a nice smooth drink.
2. Throw a handful of macadamia nuts and an inch and a half of chorizo into a Princess Diana memorial mug, and you’ve now experienced breakfast at my house.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcJjMnHoIBI

Several weeks ago an elderly Spanish man did something that now causes the power in my kitchen to go out several times a day.  I called him to fix a chandelier, but in doing so, he caused an imbalance in the cosmic force that governs the electricity in my kitchen.  Butterfly effect?  I have no idea as I never saw that Ashton Kutcher movie.

So, last night I was faced with a dilemma.  I had a four pound pork shoulder, some red Hawaiian sea salt, the unnerving desire to use my crock pot…and an unreliable power source.  I think all would agree that I had no choice but to plug the cooker in next to my bed.

It was a meaty, bubbly night.  I woke several times and fretted over the pork’s temperature and progress as if it were a sickly infant, and the blue glow from the display panel kept me on edge.  But, I believe, like any animal who eats its young, it was worth the effort.

`Okole maluna.

Hawaiian Pork Buddy

*This recipe is dedicated to Shawn Doherty

• 4-5 pounds boneless pork shoulder, skin on
• 5 slices thick-cut bacon
• 1 Tbs-1.5 Tbs coarse red Hawaiian salt
• 5 garlic cloves, peeled

1. Line the bottom of a slow cooker with bacon.
2. Rub the pork generously with the salt.
3. Cut slits into the port and push the garlic in.
4. Place the pork, skin side up into the slow cooker.
5. Cook on low for 16 hours.
6. Remove the pork from the liquid that has accumulated.
7. Take off the skin and fat and set aside.
8. Shred the pork into a clean bowl.
9. Taste and adjust seasoning by adding a small amount of the crock pot liquid.
10. If you’re a wild beast (like me) remove the fat from the skin and mix it through the pork.  The fat tastes sooooo good.

Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jc_ItEm5W54