Please bear with me while I try to incorporate things from the 1950’s that I can, in fact, tolerate. I’m all for drag racing, bold lip colours, malt sodas, and having sex in cars designed to look like rockets…but there’s some crap I’d rather do without.
I won’t go into it because this is not a political blog. This is a blog about a lonely woman with crippling anxiety who likes to dress like a Mexican wrestler and make food nobody wants to eat. I know my audience. I’m not about to mess that up through having an opinion.
Hot Diggity Hash Browns
4 potatoes peeled and grated
3 spring onions sliced
salt and pepper to taste
olive oil-a splash for the mixture, and some for frying
Squeeze the potatoes in a towel, and get out as much moisture as possible.
Mix in the remaining ingredients.
Heat a few tablespoons of oil until hot, and add the potato mixture to the pan in a thin layer.
Cook the potatoes for 5-7 minutes, leaving it to set, until golden brown.
Flip it nicely, (don’t be a dumb broad like me) and get a good crust on the other side too.
*Serve it to your man with some eggs and thick cut bacon, after you go to town on one another in a 1957 Ford Thunderbird.
I looked up “Blue Monday” on Wikipedia, but my attention span mimics that of a man on Tinder trying to get out as many dick pics as possible, so I only read the last sentence of the first paragraph. Essentially, it said that “Blue Monday” is pseudoscience.
Pseudoscience or not, it did make me reflect on what I failed to accomplish last year. In a flash of nauseous remembrance, my list of 2016 goals came back. All that was missing from that insane rider was, “Number 26. Genetically engineer a lesbian pre-Marc Anthony J-Lo,” Needless to say, I didn’t get there.
This Blue Monday made me mourn the person I might have been if I’d tackled just a few of my projects. Maybe right now I would be…
The proud owner of a UK driving license.
Wearing cropped jeans with confidence.
Living within three miles of a Mighty Taco.
Not devastatingly lonely.
Speaking Chinese.
Getting paid to play my accordion at Bat Mitzvas .
Who knows what 2017 will bring? I’m taking two classes: Painting and Drawing and Creative Writing. I know that sounds promising and normal, but so far I’ve sketched a still life of a toilet paper roll, and written a free form poem about the conflicting emotional attachment I have to my cat. But today, the sun is shining, and I have my driver’s theory test booked for February 23, 2017.
Moist Chicken Nuggets
10 chicken thighs cut into chunks
2 eggs, whisked
1/4 cup arrowroot flour seasoned with salt and pepper
1 cup almond meal
1 tsp salt
1.5 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp coriander
1/2 tsp cumin
Preheat the oven to 425f/220c.
Mix the almond meal, salt, paprika, coriander, and cumin.
Line a baking tray with baking parchment.
Dredge the chicken pieces in the arrowroot flour.
Dip the chicken pieces in the whipped egg mixture.
Coat in almond meal mixture.
Arrange on the cooking tray and bake for 16-18 minutes.
I’m back in the UK, and back to my kitchen. Still, the wood-song and icy bite of semi-rural Wisconsin won’t quit me. So, en hommage to my time in America’s Dairyland, and to my sister for giving me the funnest Christmas ever, I’ll post the chicken recipe I made in her beautiful home. The very one my brother-in-law believes gave him diarrhea.
I mean, I felt great afterwards. It was delish. But, my apologies “*Rob Feck.” My guess is that you’ll give this one a miss from here on out, which means (silver lining) I can add coconut oil to the list of ingredients.
*”Rob” kindly asked me to never refer to him in my blog, so I’ve changed all identifying details. Except for where he lives and that he’s married to my sister. And also that he is my hero. I’m not joking. He’s one of my favourite people. When I have decision to make I think, “What would Rob do?” WWBD is the acronym, which gives away one more identifying detail…rats!
Anyway.
Bacon Wrapped Chicken
5 boneless, skinless chicken thighs, each one cut in half
10 slices bacon
2 tsp onion powder
½ tsp smoked paprika
½ tsp pink salt
Coconut oil
Preheat oven to 400F/200C
Wash your hands, and have your assistant dry them with a sterile towel after they apply your face mask.
Mix onion powder, paprika, and salt in a bowl.
Coat the chicken in the spice mixture.
Wrap the chicken pieces in bacon.
Heat a fry pan to medium-high and add a teaspoon or so of coconut oil.
Cook the bacon wrapped chicken for two minutes per side, making it nice and golden.
Arrange chicken, single layer, on a lined baking tray.
Cook for an additional 10-15 minutes.
Serve with roasted broccoli and mashed potatoes. And, if you’re in Wisconsin, cheese curds.
Pray nobody gets ill enough to try to pretend they’re not ill so as not to risk wounding your feelings.
This is not my first tango in “Americas Dairyland.” I came to Wisconsin often in my childhood…always to Milwaukee. Mostly via a red Ford Escort wedged between my next eldest siblings for the 13 hour drive. It sucked.
Anywho, It’s been a while since I’ve been back. This time I set up shop outside the Cream City and met some genuine Wisconsinites. Let me be frank; they don’t fuck around. They will survive a zombie apocalypse, or a Trump presidency, and will have leftover rhubarb pie to share. They grow shit, they make shit…they refer to their garages as kill sheds. They are ruthless at Cards Against Humanity, and they will teach you how to play dominoes. They are fucking awesome.
I’m pretty sure nobody in their right mind wants to be identified in this blog, so I’ll call my Wisconsin heroes “Fara” and “Jim.” This is their recipe.
Stuffed Venison Tenderloin
Don’t miss this step! Kill a deer and process the meat in your goddamn kill shed.
*6 thick slices of bacon1.5 to 2 lb venison tenderloin
*Salt and pepper to taste
*Approx 1/2 pkg of cream cheese
*Chopped jalapeños (1-3 depending on how spicy you want it or how hot the peppers are, we did three garden fresh peppers once and we couldn’t eat the inside but store bought aren’t as spicy)
*1-2 cloves of chopped garlic
*Season salt
*Tooth picks
*Optional: Marinate in Italian dressing or any type of meat marinate you like, we change it up depending on what is in the fridge
1. Butterfly the tenderolin.
2. Marinade (optional)
3. Preheat oven to 350f/175c
4. Lay the bacon out, slightly overlapping the bacon and place the tenderloin on top
5. Coat the inside of the tenderloin with a thin layer of cream cheese
6. Top the cream cheese with jalapeños and half of the garlic, season with salt, pepper and season salt
7. Roll the meat and bacon up. Hold it together with the tooth picks
season the outside of the meat with the remaining garlic, salt, pepper and season salt
8. Place meat on a broiling pan to catch the drippings
9. Cook on the center rack at 350 for 30-50 minutes, until internal temp is at 145 or to taste (we like it slightly pink). For a crisper crust cook the last 5 minutes or so on broil to crisp the bacon. Or throw on the grill. Watch the meat carefully while doing this to not over cook the meat. Overlooking the meat will cause it to be “gamey”.
*Note: People have added onions, Cajun seasons, cilantro and many other seasonings to the meat. This is just a nice basic starting recipe.
Two weeks ago I sat down at my Wegmans and prepared to write up a banana bread recipe that would blow everyone’s pants off. Instead, my computer wouldn’t switch on. Now, $500 dollars and two weeks later, I’m finally ready to saw y’all in half with this killer recipe.
Okay…I’ll be honest. It’s good, but it is a gluten-free, refined sugar-free, banana bread recipe. Your dad, that lady at work who tries to get you to go to church with her, and your Aunt Connie will hate it. But I like it because it enlists gross old bananas into a selfless task greater than themselves.
Seedy Banana Bread
4 eggs
4 hideous bananas
2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp ground cinnamon
2 cups desiccated coconut
1 cup flax/omega seed mix
2 cups raisins
Preheat the oven to 180c/350f
Blend everything except the seeds and the raisins.
Next add the seeds and raisins.
Pour into a greased and lined loaf pan.
Bake for 30 minutes and then keep in the cooling oven for another 30 minutes.
I’m at a loss at how to describe this year’s Thanksgiving. I could blather on and on, but I’ll stick to the lonely meat of it.
What I did:
Ordered sushi.
Watched “The Way We Were.”
Gave a homeless entrepreneur a probiotic chocolate bar.
Dissected the Amanda Knox Netflix documentary with a orphaned drifter on Facebook messenger.
How I made peace with being alone and unloved:
Appreciated not having to eat jello with nuts in it.
Experienced the thrill of watching a young Robert Redford get a second chance to shrug off the oppressive yoke of 1950’s whiskey dick with Barbara Streisand in front of a roaring fire.
Delighted in the perfumed shame of feeling as out of touch as Gwyneth Paltrow.
Most of all, I was thankful for this quote regarding Amanda Knox from my friend, Shawn Doherty: “I’m interested in your thoughts because it seems like all Americans think she’s innocent and the British think she’s guilty. But as an Italian I know the truth is that it was a satanic ritual.”
Ann Wall’s Artichoke Dip
Now, I get that I’ve been lazy as of late. But I’m not feeling my best. I’ve been living off of protein cookies and fighting an alarming premonition that, very soon, women will be required to carry a note from a male relative in order to travel freely in North America. These are tough times, so I went back to basics.
Here’s a gem from “The Best of Ann’s Kitchen, Volume I.”
…because I threw up on Sunday. Sure, as a kid I could throw up in the morning, then eat a box of Velveeta shells and cheese by noon. Times have changed. I have a minimum three-day recovery period from the horror of uncontrolled vomiting. And I’m tacking on a day for losing my sushi at a bus stop. I literally have no dignity left. I’m using the word “literally” correctly too.
But, here’s a nice picture of Patrick Wilson, and a great song. Oh, and what the fuck. Here’s a stomach churning recipe for all the perverts out there.
Today I’m forty. I don’t feel any different. I look about ten years older than I did on my thirtieth birthday, but that’s about it. Yet everyone wants to know how I’m going to celebrate. How I plan on marking this mid-life milestone. Last year, I had a clear vision of my fortieth celebration. I’d be dressed like Phyllis Diller and surrounded by family We would gather at the Niagara Falls Casino and stuff Canadian currency into Alex from the Thunder Down Under’s speedo. But, like most complicated fantasies, the planning got away from me.
And despite being a recluse whose only contact with the outside world is trolling elderly Trump supporters on FaceBook, I have lovely friends taking me out for dinner. It’s more than I expected, and frankly more than I deserve.
I’ll take it.
Crab Benedict Bake
2 cups cubed back-breaking bread
200g fresh white crab meat
7 eggs
3/4 cup coconut milk
1/2 cup double cream
1/2 tsp paprika
3/4 tsp onion powder
1 1/4 tsp salt
Combine the bread and the crab at the bottom of a greased 9X13 inch pan.
Whisk together the eggs, coconut milk, cream, paprika, onion powder, and salt. Pour mixture over the bread and crab, cover, and place in the fridge overnight.
Take the casserole out of the fridge a half an hour or so before you want to cook it.
Heat the oven to 375F/190C.
Bake uncovered for 30 minutes.
Drizzle with cheat’s hollandaise, below.
Remember, you’re fabulous and in your sexual prime.
Today is tense. I keep trying to pretend that nothing is happening, but every five minutes or so I feel like I’ve accidentally posted a naked picture of myself to Facebook. Absolute panic. This election sucks.
But, I keep reminding myself, tomorrow is a new day. No matter what, the Chinese will be ruling the world shortly. I will focus my energies on learning Mandarin, researching the best-looking cult leaders, and where to buy Korean skincare brands at the most affordable prices.
Good luck everyone. Hopefully we can all shut up tomorrow regardless of the outcome.
Now, let’s all practice saying this together….
我是你的奴隶
Wǒ shì nǐ de núlì
Backbreaking Bread
Because we may be headed back to the era where a woman is expected to bake fresh loaves of bread for her 6 sons and large-boned husband on a daily basis, I’ve included this recipe. Beware, it is not exactly like bread. It’s almost cake-like in consistency, but it does the trick when you want a gluten-free and healthy sandwich bread. You are far more likely to get beaten by male members of your family when serving this bread, but (let’s be honest here) you kind of deserve it anyway.
8 eggs
1 cup coconut milk
4 tsp apple cider vinegar
3 cups raw cashews
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp fine salt
7 TBS coconut flour
Preheat the oven to 325f/160c.
Place a heatproof bowl of water filled two inches high at the bottom of the oven.
Grease a loaf pan and line with baking paper.
Add all the ingredient minus the coconut flour to a high speed mixer.
Process on low for 15 seconds, then process on high for 30 seconds. Process another 30 seconds until completely smooth.
Add the coconut flour and process again for another 30 seconds.
Pour the mixture into the prepared loaf tin and bake 50-60 minutes until a cake tester comes out clean.
Enjoy it the best you can in a world where you aren’t allowed to make a decision about anything ever again.
Halloween is the best. Some might argue that it is, like yoga, a glorification of Satan, but for me it holds a simply purity. It is the embodiment of rushing from foggy and frightening darkness towards the warm and safe glow of home. It’s cozy. Correct me if I am wrong Scandinavian friends, but it is hygge. At the end of the day, Halloween is a huge, melting hug from a viking.
And this year my Halloween reached epic hygge levels. See, I have a child, and she’s as nutso about Halloween as I am. I don’t think I’ve mentioned her on this blog before… She’s obviously a huge part of my life, but I reserve this space for recipes, my midlife crisis, and saying perverted things about tradesmen. But last night she told me at least twenty times that she loves Halloween. Also, she saw mannequin with fake blood covering its torso and said, “cool.” You just don’t get these kinds of blessings at Christmas, folks.
Creepy Crepes
Crepes
These crepes are great. Use them for anything. Here I’ve put a seafood filling and baked it in the oven. For sweet fillings, only put one pinch of salt and add a touch of vanilla and sugar of choice.
2 eggs
2 TBS water
2 pinches of salt
2 tsp coconut flour
1/4 cup tapioca flour
1 tsp avocado oil
Mix all the ingredients until smooth.
Heat a touch of coconut oil in a pan and wipe out, leaving a thin film.
This batter makes 5-6 crepes, so pour a scant 1/4 cup of batter into a medium pan and swirl the batter to coat the bottom.
Cook for a minute or so, and then flip and cook for another minute.
The Lunchadora 