I want to get fit again. Specifically, I want to stop washing down bag after bag of pork rinds with prosecco. Look at me. I’m smart, beautiful and sexually alluring. It’s time I started treating myself like a treasure.

Generally, I do try to exercise and eat well, but there are always triggers. I’m ashamed to say it could be something as simple as Ocado being out of stock of organic spinach, or suddenly losing perspective and and feeling like my life is a Chris Isaak song. A couple of weeks in Buffalo didn’t help, not because it was depressing in any way, but because there are dozens of varieties of donuts. I was averaging a respectable 2.5 of them a day on top of wings, pizza, danish puff, pancakes and boilermakers…and it all kind of deteriorated from there. I was living the rockstar lifestyle of a person who eats hotdogs for a living, but without the fame or groupies. While it sounds idyllic, I physically felt like a person who eats hotdogs for a living.

I tried to get back into the healthy groove, but kept encountering setbacks. I put some thought into what was happening and realised that my biggest mistake, (outside the time I stalked that guy in 97′) was throwing in the towel the second I had a setback. I had the mentality that everything had to be perfect, otherwise the whole plan was ruined.

To counteract that unhealthy mindfuckery, I have decided to incorporate regular treats into my plan. The goal is not to lose weight, or get a butt that won’t quit, (although that would be awesome) but rather, to achieve a balance. More days feeling refreshed, energised and vibrant, and fewer days waking up under the pool table at Frizzy’s with a barbecue chicken finger stuffed in my bra.

Anyway, I want to start October off right. These brownies are the equivalent of walking into a room where a fan tousles your hair back, and the radio blasts the Cult’s “She Sells Sanctuary.”  Enjoy.

Nutella Brownies

• 1 cup/300 grams hazelnut butter (or any other nut butter)
• 1/3cup /105grams maple syrup
• 1 egg
• 2 TBS/40 grams ghee (melted, but cool)
• 1 tsp vanilla
• big pinch salt
• 1/3 cup/35 grams cocoa powder
• 1/2 tsp baking soda

Preheat the oven to 325F/160C. Combine all except the cocoa powder and the baking soda, and mix well. Sift in the cocoa powder and baking soda. Spread into a greased 8 inch circular cake tin. Bake for 8-12 minutes. They are better gooey then over-baked, as they get crumbly if cooked all the way through.

More this…

Less this…

I developed this recipe through trial and error, in one of my many attempts to recreate a suitable pad thai. I failed to the point of sploogey zoodely disgrace, but found redemption in this little gem. It is nothing like pad thai, but it is a real crowd pleaser.  And by “crowd pleaser” I mean that you can eat it by yourself, three days in a row, hot or cold, in formal-wear or My Little Pony underwear. It is a substantial meal with or without rice, and I think it is delicious. This is my go-to meal when I’m going to be alone or just feeling lonely.  I have it at least three days a week.

* A few words on wankily expensive ingredients. The first thing I noticed when I adopted a paleo-ish diet is how “sell your teeth and hair” expensive the ingredients are. And the quantities needed are excessive.  One cake recipe I tried called for enough almond flour in the batter to deep fry a panda. So many of the ingredients are wanky and don’t taste very good in the finished product because they are trying to fake something that shouldn’t be faked.  I try a lot of recipes.  Even ones I don’t think could possibly work, just to see if I can live the dream. I’m chasing a Mint Thins dragon. Most of the time it’s a big “NO,” but every once in a while I feel the magic. I try to not rely on recipes that will break me so hard financially that I have to live under a railway bridge, but I’ll go without regular pap smears for a good brownie.

So, I cannot recommend a substitution for the coconut aminos. It is expensive, and it’s as elusive as a man who’s willing to buy tampons, but I like it, and I use it a lot. It has been recommended as a substitution for soy sauce, but I don’t believe they taste anything alike. Save it for recipes where it is specifically called for.

Faux-Peanut Porky Surprise 

  I am well aware that this looks grim, but I don’t know how to photograph food.

There are two components to this recipe: the pork mixture and the fake peanut sauce.  I usually make the fake peanut sauce first and then cut the veggies while I fry up the pork.  If you make the sauce ahead of time, it is very easy to put together.

Porky Mixture

• 1 tablespoon coconut oil
• 1 pound/500 grams ground pork
• 3-4 spring onions sliced
• 2-3 garlic cloves crushed
• 6-10 fresh shiitake mushrooms diced (Optional)
• 2 eggs, whisked
• 2 teaspoons coconut oil
• 1 cucumber seeded and thinly sliced
• 3 carrots shredded
• Handful of cashews, chopped.

Melt the coconut oil in a skillet over medium heat and add the garlic, spring onion and shiitake.  Fry until the water evaporates from the mushrooms. Add the ground pork and cook until nicely browned.  Turn off the heat while you prepare the rest.

Scramble the eggs in a separate pan in the 2 teaspoons of coconut oil, then transfer them to the pork mixture. Turn the heat back on and add in the cucumber and carrot. Heat through until the vegetables wilt a little. Add the sauce (see below) and heat through. Sprinkle the cashews on top and enjoy.

Never so Lonely Faux-Peanut Sauce

• 1/2 cup coconut aminos*
• 1/4/cup sunflower/80 grams seed butter (I always use sunbutter because it tastes closest to peanut.)
• 2 teaspoons rice wine vinegar
• 2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar
• 1 dried date
• 1 clove garlic, smashed
• 1 tablespoon toasted sesame oil
• 1 teaspoon hot sauce (I use Choula or Franks Red Hot)
• 1/4 teaspoon white pepper

Now, put all the ingredients in your vitamix or other high powered blender and combine into a smooth sauce. If you don’t have Vitamix, do whatever you have to do to get one. It doesn’t matter how degrading it is, you’ll thank me in the end.

I hope this lives past the excitement of selling your mother’s wedding ring to finance coconut aminos. Play the link below for the perfect music to accompany your meal.

http://youtu.be/kHkojuUSDO8

Recently, my Baileys consumption has increased into the exponential territory. This is for two reasons: Old Gregg, and my stalky, “Single White Female” tendencies.

Hmmn, what to say about Old Gregg?  It’s not a new sketch, but that’s fine by me. I prefer to stay 5-15 years behind on trends anyway. If you’re interested, look him up on YouTube. I recommend the first four minutes, but you’re on your own after that. Just see if you can resist the hankering for a glass of Baileys, and professing, “creamy!”

But, honestly, my friend Sofie is the main reason I’m pounding the beige stuff. Sofie is super nice, pretty and the kindest person I’ve ever met. She has her shit together, but doesn’t make you feel like a weirdo when you tell her you scream into your pillow every night, or that you think your uterus might be falling out.

Anyway, one morning I had breakfast at her house. She pulled out a bottle of Baileys and poured a shot into her coffee. I’m no prude, but I must have looked shocked. “It’s my special morning treat,” Sofie explained. “Like, every morning?” I asked. Her nod was all the permission I needed. It made me feel as exhilarated as a shy housewife at a 70’s key party.

Drinking Baileys in the morning was now cool. Sofie made it so. Of course, if Sofie murdered elderly people on the weekends, I would find it adorable and kill seven myself. But an uneasy thought crept into my mind; whatever Sofie did would of course be refreshing and hip, but trying to replicate the cool was like that time I tried on a purple romper. Simultaneously ageing, juvenile and depressing. So, I now keep my drinking a secret. I sip Baileys in the dark…staring into the blackness beyond my picture windows.  Of course, there no “right” way to enjoy it. Make it your own.

Now, without further ado, a natural dairy and preservative free Baileys recipe!

Old Meg’s Creamy Baileys

Like Old Gregg, John drinks his Baileys from an old shoe.

• 14 oz/400 ml coconut milk
• 1/3 cup coconut sugar, or more or less to taste
• 1/2 cup strong coffee, cooled to room temperature
• 1/2 cup coconut cream
• 2 tsp unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1/4 teaspoon almond extract
• 1 cup whiskey
• (optional) pinch of liquorice powder…every rose has a thorn

1. Mix the coconut milk and sugar together in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to a simmer, stirring often for 10 minutes. Remove from heat and leave to cool for at least an hour.
2. Place saucepan contents and remaining ingredients, except whiskey,  into a blender and combine until smooth.
3. Add the whiskey a 1/4 cup at a time until you feel a shot will make you feel good, but not good enough to take your top off.
4. Chill overnight, and then drink every single morning for five days. Anything left over can be chugged before you get on the bus to pick up your mom from Zumba.

Copenhagen has a rich and vibrant history that I’m not interested in researching, but I can tell you that it is a beautiful city with fantastic food and big-hearted people.  I stayed with friends in central Copenhagen, and we ate open-face sandwiches and drank coffee like we were in a Stieg Larsson novel.  (And, yes, I know he’s Swedish, but is it racist to lump them all into the “hot-as-all-get-out, open-face sandwich eating” category?)  My friend said something about the Next Top Model concept not quite taking off in Denmark because everyone has high enough self-esteem to understand how good looking they are.  They’re also beyond nice.  In particular,  they are very kind to and tolerant of children, which I can’t quite comprehend considering how expensive and light-coloured they prefer their sofas.

There is, however, an unspeakable horror that plagues Denmark.  Liquorice.  Danes insist it is delicious and tastes nothing like ear wax and tonic water, and they CANNOT GET ENOUGH.  “It raises blood pressure,” and “traditionally, it is made from horse’s blood,” are the kindest endearments they can muster in English.   But, when my hosts waved a Royal Copenhagen dish brimmed with that nasty shit under my nose, I folded.  I wanted to be sophisticated, but I had to fake it.  I shut down emotionally, gobbled down a few pellets, and tried to recall times in my life where I had been proud of myself.

Needless to say, I don’t have any recipes involving liquorice to share.  I do, however, have a simple open faced sandwich idea, and this phenomenal quote from Dolly Parton:  “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.”

I’m Depressed I’m Not Danish Open-Face Sandwich

• Homemade cream cheese-Take some whole-milk Greek yogurt (say a cup or so) mix in a 1/2 tsp of salt (or to taste) and wrap in cheesecloth or muslin.  Tie to a wooden spoon and suspend over a bowl for 10-12 hours, or until you reach the consistency you desire.  The longer you leave it, the tangier it gets.  I prefer it mild.  Or, you can be a normal person and buy some goddamn cream cheese.
• Handful of rocket
• Smoked salmon
• Gluten free crisp breads-I prefer Buckwheat.
• Squeeze of lemon and a grind of pepper.

Okay, make an open faced sandwich.

Also, when in Copenhagen, go see the mermaid.  She is miles away, but she needs you.  All she does is sit on that rock and wait for people to come by and wonder if a pervert has ever masturbated on her.  My gut says, “yes,” but a naive part of me wants to see the good in the world.

Everybody likes banana bread.  Perhaps it is not a first choice cake, but tell me, who can pass it up?  It’s like a date with a guy who is kind of weird, but who’s so into you he’ll take you to a hockey game AND Red Lobster without expecting a damn thing in return.  Also, this cake is yummy to have with a late afternoon cup of coffee, where you have a little smile and chuckle to yourself for being so cheeky.

Now, I’ve tried quite a few banana bread recipes, but they were all as unsettling as a gym teacher’s touch.  This recipe, however, is really good.  Is it great?  Well, almost.  If you’re expecting anything like that streusel topped perfection your Grandma Barb makes the one time a year you visit, I promise you will be disappointed.  So, lower your expectations to enjoy a nice tasting, MOIST all-rounder.

Aaaahhhh, So Moist Banana Bread

• 4 Old and disgusting bananas
• 4 Eggs
• 1 tsp Vanilla
• 1/2 cup/140 grams Sunbutter or other kind of nut butter-except peanut.  If you’re asking why, you haven’t done your homework.
• 4TBS/60g Melted butter.  I use salted because I’m a sea creature at heart, but you could try unsalted butter, ghee or even coconut oil.
• 1/4 cup/35 grams Coconut flour
• 1/4 cup/30 grams Hazelnut meal or other nut meal, but not peanut! Don’t do it.
• 1 TBS Cinnamon
• 1 tsp Baking soda
• 1 tsp Baking powder (gluten free)
• Pinch of sea salt
• Greased loaf pan

Preheat the oven to 350 deg F/175 deg C.  Put the bananas, eggs, vanilla, nut butter and melted butter into a blender and mix until well combined.  Pour the wet ingredients over the blended dry ingredients.  Pour into the greased loaf pan, loosely cover with foil and bake for 50-60 minutes.  You’ll know it’s done when the cake tester comes out clean.  Let it cool a little and then tip it out.  If you used sunbutter, the banana bread will turn green, and you’ll have some explaining to do when you try to feed it to a friend’s three year old.