Christmas is the worst.  Most of you will disagree with me because you’re nice and normal, and like mulled wine.  But I also know a few will be nodding your heads in agreement, eager to pipe in, “Yeah! More people kill themselves around Christmas than other other time of year!” (Which is not true, but it feels so good to have you on my side.)

There’s a lot of build-up, anticipation, thought, effort, and money put into this hateful time of year .  Maybe you’re lucky enough to have a family full of people who appreciate a homemade brick of confetti fudge as a present…maybe you’re an entitled brat who gets her sister so upset that she storms off sobbing into a snowstorm to spend Christ’s birthday in a mid-range hotel.  There are no winners in this game.

I’m totally bringing myself down with this, but the entire season is like when that housewife from “Love Actually” opens the gift she thinks is going to be a ruby necklace, but it turns out to be a Joni Mitchell CD, and she realises her husband (Professor Snape) is banging his secretary who is very beautiful, but also looks like an alien fish creature.

Christmas is BALLS BALLS BALLS.

But, this recipe makes it better.  Because it makes the best kind of  balls.

Have a tolerable Christmas.

Sunbutter Ballseyes

These are very nice, but they won’t take away the sting of being unlovable and unloved.

• 200g chocolate of your choice.  I like a mix of dark and milk.
• A few tablespoons coconut oil.
• 250g Softened butter.
• 600g Powdered sugar.
• 500g Sunbutter.

1. Cream butter and sunbutter.
2. Gradually add powered sugar by hand until well mixed.
3. Chill for a few hours, or overnight and roll into 1 inch balls.
4. Melt chocolate in a double boiler and add some coconut oil to thin it out a bit.
5. Dip the balls half way into the chocolate with a toothpick or chopstick.
6. Set on wax paper and allow to harden in the refrigerator.
7. Store between layers of wax paper and keep in the refrigerator.
8. Shove a couple balls in your mouth when you taste the sourness of disappointment rising.

Nicknames are funny things.  They can be endearing or hurtful, an exalt or a stain.  They are a snapshot into how we are perceived by the outside world and categorised by our family and closest friends.  They are one of our first lessons in accepting the will of others, and are an external force that somehow manages to shape us from the inside out.

As a child I was known as “The Vulture.”

All because I was a seven year old with a brother-in-law who was a bit of dick, and I could eat A LOT of wings.  Like, I was insatiable.  I would stand over the box, hopping from one foot to the other, completely focused on  getting all the drumettes out first.  I could eat 30 wings in a sitting, stymied only by my inability to procure more wings.

Being called a vulture bothered me a little.  But it also set the expectation that a fuck-ton of wings had to be set aside for me.  So, it was a bittersweet victory of sorts.

As the years passed, I tried to distance myself from my bird-of-prey moniker.  My primary objective shifted from getting more wings to a mournful longing to grow breasts and french kiss a boy taller than me.

I really tried on the other two fronts, but now I’m back to a sure thing.  And I have the wonderful recipe for oven baked buffalo wings.  They’re simply the best.

Enjoy!

Buffalo Wings with Ranch Dip

*I know ranch dip is not the traditional choice, but this recipe makes a great dairy-free loption.  Feel free to toss in some chunks of blue cheese if you like.

Wings

• 1 Kilo/2 lbs  jointed chicken wings
• 4 TBS melted ghee, unsalted butter or coconut oil
• 1 tsp flaked sea salt
• 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1/4 cup Frank’s Red Hot sauce or Choula
• 1 tsp white vinegar or apple cider vinegar

Ranch Dip

• 1/2 cup homemade mayonaise
• 2 TBS coconut milk
• 1 crushed garlic clove
• 1 TBS dried parsley
• 1/2 TBS dried chives
• 1/2 TBS dried dill
• 2 tsp apple cider vinegar
• 1/4 tsp onion powder
• 1/4 tsp sea salt

1. Heat the oven to 400f/205c.
2. Toss the wings with two tablespoons of the ghee, 3/4 tsp salt and 1/4tsp of cayenne.
3. Place the wings on a wire rack over a foil-lined rimmed baking sheet.  Bake for 35-45 minutes, flipping once.
4. Make the ranch dressing, by mixing all the dip ingredients.  Cover and refrigerate.
5. Make the wing sauce by combining the remaining two tablespoons ghee, hot sauce, 1/4 tsp salt, 1/4 tsp cayenne and 1 tsp vinegar.
6. When the wings are done, toss with the wing sauce and serve with the ranch dip and some carrots and celery sticks.

http://youtu.be/aIrCFrFpHvw

I want to lose these last seven pounds.  Will it make the world a better place?   Probably not, but it greatly increases my options for slutty Halloween costumes next year, and that’s what really matters.

I don’t feel like I’m getting older, but there are wrinkles…weight is harder to lose, and every single time I get my period I praise a Hindu god that I’m at least a year out from the menopause.  I am doing this now because I know that in a few years I’ll be focusing my energies elsewhere.  Like, building a feline army, knitting adjustable waist leggings and frightening small children with the putrefying decay my dentist has foretold.

Sometimes when I share my fitness/lifestyle goals, people take offence.  It seems like there are all these rules.  It’s not okay to be overweight.  Don’t be skinny.  If you work out too much, you’re conceited.  If you don’t work out, you’re lazy.  It’s vain to dress up like Red Sonja and take selfies.(Who knew?)  You’re a pig if you eat an entire Danish puff in one sitting, but lack grit (in my opinion) if you don’t.  There is absolutely no way to win.

Since I can’t win, I’ve decided to do what I want.  Yes, of course my primary concern is to be healthy and strong, but I want to take it a step further.  Naked pictures.  Naked pictures so good, that thirty years from now I will pull them out to show the EMT.

A Sassafrassi Mango Lassi 

• 160 grams cubed mango
• 1 cup coconut water
• 100g whole fat greek yogurt
• pinch of salt
• pinch of cardamon power

Blend it up and drink it down.

This makes a satisfying breakfast on the go.

It has 5 Weight Watchers points.

*A picture of my pussy…too far?

*A note on how I plan on making one Olan Mills photographer very uncomfortable…  I will lift weights twice a week, run three days, and I have joined Weight Watchers.  I follow a mostly paleo, gluten free diet, except for when I don’t.  Also, I will airbrush some abs on and photoshop a unicorn into the background.

*I didn’t take this picture.

Happy belated Thanksgiving! My second favourite holiday is nonexistent where I live, so the new tradition is to roll up some sliced turkey, down a bottle of prosecco and call my folks demanding they tell me, that out of all their children, they love me best.  Everyone knows it is my brother because he can pee standing up, but I’ve been practising, so he will have some solid competition soon.

Breaking with my new tradition, my brother  and I decided to travel to Krakow.  I’ve been before, but was happy to go again.  I love the beautiful city, the stern middle aged ladies, the castle, and the way Polish cakes look delicious, but aren’t.  The policemen wear bulky black snowsuits, and there are hot young priests wandering around in traditional vestments.  It’s everything I ever wanted, but didn’t know existed.

I was hoping for a relaxed holiday of meandering along the cobbled streets  and stuffing my face with smoked cheese, but John had different ideas.  He was a cruel taskmaster demanding salt mines and former Nazi death camps.  I obliged and drank heartily in the evenings, but we still managed to get along great.

There were a few hiccups.  At times it wasn’t clear if he was quoting a line from a movie or having a stroke.  He, in return, was disappointed that I hadn’t seen any movies outside of Taken 2 in the last ten years.  So, we tried to find a common ground.  John explained the plot of Fifty Shades of Gray to me, and I offered to read a chapter of the Twilight series to his voicemail every evening.  We were united our disgust of one another.  It was perfection.

Inside-Out Sauerkraut and Mushroom Pierogi for the Lonely Lady

*makes a single, lonely gal serving

• 3 Tbs raw sauerkraut rinsed and drained
• 1 Tbs butter
• 4-5 white mushrooms chopped
• 2-3 spring onions thinly sliced
• 30 grams/2 TBS cream cheese
• 150 grams cooked rice pasta
• a pinch of caraway seeds
• salt and pepper to taste

1. Heat the butter until melted and lightly bubbling.
2. Add the mushrooms and spring onion until cooked and softened.  Add a couple pinches of salt and some pepper and toss in the caraway.
3. Once the mushrooms and onions are done cooking, stir in the cream cheese and sauerkraut.  Taste and season.
4. Reheat the pasta.
5. Toss the sauce with the pasta and enjoy…you lonely lady, you.

Nancy called in the middle of dinner.  It took me a few minutes, but I’m a keen sleuth and deduced my sister was off her face.  A  dental appointment had gone disco and she was now organising her spice rack in stilettos and a romper.

She was riding a wave of pain killing serotonin that allowed her to  vacuum, organise her closet and meal prep for the upcoming week…despite having zero sensation from nose to jaw. I knew (from a tooth extraction in ’95) that there were regrets associated with dental narcotics. Mine were eating a full plate of spicy nachos and calling a boy that had recently dumped me to try to discuss armadillos.

“Oh,” she said, her words slowing and jumbling as she spoke, “I went online and bought a really ****ing expensive bonsai tree.”

Nourishing Rice, Pork and Prawn Soup

This is a filling and healing soup.  It is the kind of soup I wish I could have made for my sister that day.  We would have sat on the couch and watched stuff on Netflix that had lots of nudity.  Then, just before the drugs wore off, I would have had her call that guy who dumped me to discuss armadillos.

• 4 cups/1 litre bone broth (see Halloween post)
• 3/4 cup/150 grams short grain white rice or sushi rice, rinsed
• 1 pound/450 grams ground pork
• 2/3 pound/300 grams chopped, raw prawns
• 4-5 shitake mushrooms chopped
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 2 tsp rice wine vinegar
• 1 tsp fish sauce
• 1 tsp sesame oil
• 1/4 tsp white pepper
• 2 eggs lightly beaten
• 1 tsp ginger juice
• A few handfuls fresh chopped spinach
• 4 thinly sliced spring onions

1. Start by combining the rice with the broth and bring to a boil.  Reduce the heat and cover, simmering at the lowest possible heat for one hour.  Stir occasionally.
2. While the soup simmers, brown the pork, mushrooms, and garlic until the pork is cooked through. Set aside.
3. Combine the salt, vinegar, fish sauce, sesame oil, and white pepper, and mix into the pork mixture.
4. When the rice is done cooking, mix in the pork mixture and turn off the heat.  Add the eggs and mix thoroughly.  Lastly, mix in the spinach and spring onion and allow to sit for a couple minutes.

Serve with dulse flakes, sesame oil, toasted sesame seeds and coconut aminos.  I make a big batch and have it for lunch most days.  It’s good!  Delicious even.  Enjoy.

My 39th birthday was a few days ago.  Maybe it’s the hormones from my rapidly diminishing  reproductive capabilities, but the whole thing made me nostalgic.  I try not to dwell on the past too much (for instance, there was a stretch where I tried, unsuccessfully, to pee standing up), but I indulged in a good reminisce about what used to be important to me at various milestones.  At ten, it was jelly bracelets and fantasising about making out with Michael Jackson.  At twenty, it was trying to find a way to be self-sufficient without having to trade sexual favors for Aldi foodstuffs.  At thirty, there was a panic.  I was underwhelmed.  According to every shitty magazine I’d ever read, I was at my peak, yet I had never even used a lawnmower.

Now, on the eve of my 40th year, I’ve begun to appreciate all the odd moments that have brought me to this point.  I’ve arm wrestled a sailor and visited a zoo that had drawings of copulating animals in front of each enclosure. Once, I saw Judge Reinhold in the San Francisco Airport.  I have lived.  There is a short list of what I would like to accomplish by my 40th year written on the back of a picture of a werewolf.  But, I’m going easy.  Mainly, because I know how lazy I am, but more so because I want to spend the bulk of my thirties drinking Baileys in the morning sunshine and sending hate mail to the childhood bullies of my closest friends. I want to take the time to enjoy life’s pleasures.

Two Day Nuts

These are called two day nuts because they take two days to make.  Some time ago I read something about how nuts have to be prepared in a certain way, or they create tiny holes in your intestines that lets poo-poo float around in your blood.  I will never be able to enjoy a nutty party mix ever again. But, even if they didn’t turn intestines to jelly, I would still prepare nuts this way because they are delightfully crispy.

• Almonds, pecans, wallnuts, hazelnuts,  brazils, or any nut of your choice.  Cashews and macadamias don’t have to be activated and also go soggy if kept in water too long, so avoid those.
• Filtered water
• Salt

*Before you soak your nuts consider that they will need to fit single layer on cookie sheets in the oven.

1. Place your nuts in large bowl and cover with filtered water.  Add a few teaspoons of salt and mix until dissolved in the water.  What I like to do is separate my nuts.  For example, I keep a bowl of almonds, a bowl of pecans, etc.  Soak for 12 hours.
2. Rinse and spread the nuts out on unlined cookie sheets.  You don’t have to, but I separate my nuts here too.
3. Place the cookie sheets in the oven on the lowest setting.  If you have a fan in your oven, use it.  I initially keep a wooden spoon in the oven door to let the moisture out, and then remove it a few hours later.
4. Now, cook your nuts for 24 hours.  When you remember, stir the nuts around and rearrange the cookie sheets.
5. Once they’re done, eat your nuts.  Store the remainder in bags in the freezer, and take them out when you would like to eat nuts.

*This is the most I have ever written the word “nuts.”

The Inuits have over two hundred words to describe snow (not actually true, but let’s pretend).  The Korean word “Jeong” is complicated, but is the expression of love, affection, melancholy and longing for the past.  Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time” fits the bill.  The German word “kumerspeck” translates to excess weight from emotional overeating, or “bacon grief.”  There is beauty in simple expression, and I feel the English language is missing many important concepts. At least for my needs.

There are many times I cannot find the words for:

• The WTF of when a first cousin hits on you at a Phish concert.
• Feeling like a failure after a dental appointment.
• Hating “Family Circus” cartoons so much that you get a perverse sense of joy from reading them.
• Urgently needing to poop at a crowded house party.
• Having to abandon a masturbation session because, instead of Star Wars era Harrison Ford, you keep seeing the image of the kid you had a crush on in 8th grade…as he WAS in the 8th grade.
• Accepting a date with your snowboarding instructor and then remembering you’re married.

Now, I will leave you with something that doesn’t taste good, is wonderful for you, and fits a copious amount of vegetables into a couple of pint glasses. There is no word I can find for this one.  So, hmmm…vegturdfull?

Vegturdfull Smoothie

I have one of these every single day.  The taste is not so great, but it is not awful either.  About ten minutes after you finish it, you’ll feel like you can wrestle an orangutang and win.  Try one for yourself!

• 1 cup coconut water
• 1/2 avocado
• 1 TBS chia seeds
• small knob of ginger
• 2 TBS sauerkraut
• 1 cup spinach
• 1/2 juiced lime
• 3 inches of cucumber
• *any other stuff you have that is not too hideous.

Toss it all in your high speed blender, and puree that mess into oblivion.  Drink it down quickly, without thought.  If you focus your energy on it, it will suddenly have power over you.  Do not let it win.

http://youtu.be/BsKbwR7WXN4

“What’s so remarkable about that,” you ask?  Well, it was made of cauliflower, yet tasted nothing like a fart.  PIZZA PARTY!

I’d heard rumours of pizzas made with cauliflower, yet dismissed them as the fanciful follies of vegans, or the delusions of women who count one square of chocolate as a snack.  I love creamed cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, and there are times I enjoy the raw cruciferous crunch of this albino superfood, but I’ve been pissed on by hope too many times to believe a cauliflower could make a pizza.

*A note on cauliflower rice.  It is disgusting.  And I’m still trying to rebuild a relationship with my father after telling him that he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference if we subbed cauliflower for rice in the stir fry.  The trust is gone.

But, I’m happy to report that cauliflower pizza is delicious.  There’s a bit of cheese in the dough, so I’d like to experiment and try a dairy-free version.  But really, this recipe will more than do for right now.

Not a Fart Cauliflower Pizza

I”m very sorry, but I only have the measurments in grams.  I highly recommend a digital kitchen scale.  I was resistant at first, but I find it makes recipes consistent and tasty every single time.  Also, whenever people come over and see it on your counter they will assume you’re a drug dealer.  Major street cred without the gang initiation.

• 20 grams parmesan cheese, finely grated
• 60 grams grated cheddar or mozzarella
• 440 grams grated cauliflower-just whiz it in a food processor to a medium crumb.
• 1/2 tsp Italian seasoning
• 1/4 tsp garlic powder
• a few grinds of black pepper
• 1/4 tsp sea salt
• 1 egg

1. Preheat the oven to 210C/420F.
2.  Cover and cook the cauliflower in the microwave for 6-8 minutes, until it is nice and soft.  Once the cauliflower cools, grab a kitchen towel and squeeze the bejesus out of it until all the water is gone and you are left with a solid clump of dry stuff.
3. Mix the cauliflower with the rest of the ingredients until you have a nice little dough ball.
4. Spread it out in a circle on a lined baking tray.  I’d say the thickness should be 1/3 inch to a 1/2 inch.  I make the edging a bit thicker than the centre.
5. Put it in the oven and bake for 20 minutes.
6. Put your desired toppings on and bake for another 10 minutes or so.

Very straight-forward and easy.  Go easy though.  This pizza makes enough for two people.  Don’t eat the whole thing unless you want to blow out your O-ring.

Don’t stop believin’.  You can almost have it all….or half, to be precise.

The most common thing I hear after, “You should really start wearing sunscreen.” is “How do you find the time to make all this crap?” By “crap” I assume folks are referring to my drive to make everything “homemade,” or “handmade” (which is the gross British way of saying it).  Realistically? I’m probably missing out on making new friends, exploring my community and the basics of personal grooming…but I think it is worth it in the long run.

I like to know where my food comes from.  And taking control of ones condiments, in my opinion, is the final frontier of the insufferable person.  We are a persnickety lot and demand our animals be grass-fed, organic, massaged, and ultimately, (after they’ve eaten their favourite kind of clover, and had a satisfying sexual encounter) murdered by bow.  I’m going to take a leap and guess our paleolithic ancestors did not have complex mayo dips for dunking their dirt covered root veggies, but since we now possess this superior eggy technology,  it would be a shame not to use it, amiright?

I have tried a dozen mayonnaise recipes.  Many eggs have been sacrificed, expensive bottles of oil ruined (avocado, macadamia and olive), and all appliances called into service. Plus, wrist-breaking whacking whisk action.  But, I am a hero. This is a great mayo. Its versatility gets me fired up into ecstatic frenzy. There is, of course, raw egg.  If you feel squeamish about this, feed a small portion to the least favourite aged or pregnant person in your life and wait 12 hours.  If they don’t complain of stomach cramps, vomiting, or excessive diahareah, dig in and enjoy!

It Begins with Mayonnaise

• 1 egg…get a good one. The poor little bastard gives birth EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Her life is a nightmare.  At least make sure she is able to get some fresh air and and enough space for a little “me time.”
• 1/4 teaspoon mustard powder (Omit if you’re Shawn Doherty)
• 1 cup light tasting olive oil (Really important!  If you use extra virgin it will feel like you’re eating spreadable moonshine)
• 2 1/2-3 teaspoons apple cider vinegar
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

You will need a stick blender for this.  And be warned, they don’t last as long if you make mayonnaise all the time.  The motor can’t handle the viscious strength of a good mayo, and will make it a year…tops.  You’ll be riding the little guy hard and putting him back wet.  Proceed with caution.

1. Combine all the ingredients in the container that comes with the stick blender.
2. Give the egg a minute to settle to the bottom before carefully immersing the stick blender to the bottom.
3. Turn it on and let it mix while keeping the wand all the way to the bottom.  After a minute or so, it will thicken up.
4. When you have established that a strong mayo base has been formed, move the wand and mix the rest of the oil in.
5. Behold! Thick and glossy beautiful mayonnaise!

This keeps well in refrigerator for at least 10 days.  When in doubt, smell it.

Bonus*  Once you have all your ingredients out, this mayonnaise can be prepared in the amount of time it takes to listen to Regulators.