Fundraising is awesome.  I stand by that.  Only a monster could have a beef with gathering capital for worthy causes.  As it turns out, I have a monster for a friend.  He said he’s tired of emails from old university chums and work colleagues asking for handouts so they can bungee jump in Costa Rica, or run marathons dressed as gorillas.  “These are all excitement or self-improvement based activities,” he explained, “if they really want my money they’ll do something degrading.”

Reluctantly, I will admit he has a point.  I briefly considered fundraising to enter the Boston Marathon, but realised it was mostly because there was no chance in hell I’d ever make the qualifying time on my own.  However, I must hold fast in my respect for marathons and ultras.  It is not easy work. I’m happy to give a fiver.  But, jumping off a bridge in Hawaii?  Eat me.

I would’t say I’m a bad person, but I can’t stop fantasising about the fundraising events I wish were commonplace:

1. Performing at an open-mic comedy night with no pre-prepared routine.
2. £2 per slice of uncooked pancetta consumed.
3. Allowing a three year old to design/select forearm tattoo.
4. Watching “Moonraker” every single day for a month.
5. Going door to door to sing Bel Biv Devoe’s “Poison”.

I don’t think these will happen any time soon, but I want to put it out there that I have a deep pocket for anyone willing to take it to the next level.

Or you can sell Girl Scout cookies.  I have a deep pocket for those too.

Girl Scout Cookies-Samoa Edition

Yesterday I received a letter in the post from my parents. I decided to open it on the bus, and felt a little giddy to see a St Patrick’s day card enclosed. I smiled at the sweet gesture, but felt eyes on the back of my head.  A glance over my shoulder revealed an older man staring at my card with puzzlement and disgust. It only had a leperchaun dancing across a rainbow, but the man’s face read as if it said, “sorry I raped your cat” across the top.  St Patrick’s day is not something celebrated here.

I miss it.  The family parties, homemade Baileys, rediscovering that corned beef is indeed delicious…abandoning my sister and her infant children at the side of the road during the parade to go get smashed in a sports bar.  Pure joy.

Anyway, it snuck up on me this year and I (surprise) feel a bit melancholy.  Most inspirational quotes I see imply that we make our own happiness.  That a positive mental attitude (PMA) and forging ahead with our own hopes and dreams drives satisfaction.  For most things, that absolutely has to be true.  However, there is no mindset that makes cooking two pounds of corned beef and drinking seven shots of Baileys on my own ever okay.  Imagine if I died and was found that way?  I’m sorry, but feck me, that’s grim.

If you are going to celebrate St Patrick’s day this year, I’m jealous.  I hate you a little, but please have a shot for me.  Send me a picture of your corned beef sandwich, your grandma passed out in the tub, or someone named Katie.

Mom’s Horseradish Sauce

Because I am in denial about a St Patrick’s day I don’t get to celebrate, I haven’t prepared a recipe.  But, I have a neat one from my mom’s cookbook.  I didn’t get her permission to post this, but I think she stopped reading this blog some time ago for obvious reasons, so it is unlikely she’ll find out.

Luxembourg is one of the most boring cities/countries in the world.   While beautiful, it is also chillingly damp, unsmiling, and closed for business on Sundays and Mondays.  It is what I imagine a sexual encounter with Nicole Kidman would be like if she took the form of a very tiny european country.  Super pretty, yet unenthusiastic and lacking in warmth and humor.

There was, however, a Chi-Chi’s Mexican restaurant in the barely beating heart of the centrally located Place De Armes.  This was very surprising to me. Chi-Chi’s moved out of the North American market in 2003 due to a hepatitis outbreak that left four dead.  Now, here it was again, welcomed with open arms by a population so bored, they would trade possible death for tacos.

Yet, the trademark fiesta-style lettering spoke to me, and I was stunned by a visceral nostalgia that nearly bowled me over.  I’d left home shortly after high school and realised that I had been a very different person the last time I’d eaten at Chi-Chi’s.  Back then, I’d believed Dave Grohl was the weakest link in Nirvana, and that it was  possible to get pregnant through denim overalls.

As I took my seat, I contemplated whether the interior style was Aztec, Mayan, Pueblo, Tex-Mex or racist.  The meal began with a warmed bowl of stale but fine tasting tortilla chips accompanied by a two tablespoon serving of pureed salsa in a small plastic container.  While “devastated” is probably the wrong word to use in a world where three billion people live on less than £2 a day…I was inconsolable at the absence of sweet corn cake from the menu.  Some solid Chi-Chi’s original plates remained, including chimichangas, beef and bean burritos, and a myriad of other oddities covered in cheese.  But, alas, no sweet corn cake.  The menu also boasted Tex-Mex offerings in the form of ribs, burgers and fries…which is straight-up lazy bullshit.

Overall, it was good.  Solid.  Chi Chi’s used to be the Mexican equivalent of Olive Garden.  Now they’re more the TGIF version of Tex-Mex.  Seasons change.  Feelings change.  Chi Chi’s has changed.  Heck, I’ve changed.  I no longer sexualise denim, and I’ve learned that sometimes you can’t go home.  It’s just not the same.

Guacamole

• 1 medium avocado
• Pinch of chilli flakes
• big pinch of salt
• nice squeeze of lime
• 1 spring onion finely diced

1. Mash and mix.
2. Eat it before it turns brown, or seal it with a layer of tears for later.
3. Delicious with Bugles, Capri Sun and the president of your high school rifle club.

Lent.  This may be a surprise to some of you who know absolutely nothing about me, but I used to be a Catholic. Church services, confession, and those delicious communion wafers may have been left behind, but there are some church teachings that remain permanent scars on my psyche.  Firstly, that every enjoyable experience can be ruined by guilt…also, that I am a pervert. I observe the annual Lenten ritual because I cannot resist the opportunity to put myself down a peg or two.  Forty days and nights of depravation is exactly what I deserve.

In the past I’ve given up things like grape Hubba Bubba and shoplifting.  This time, like an annoying pregnant woman, I’m not telling.  All I will say is that I’ll miss it.  Now, please excuse me while I tighten this cilice around my thigh and turn up the volume on the “700 Club.”

But please pay me no mind.  Go enjoy yourself!  God won’t mind if you don’t start early like yours truly.  Get wasted, have sex with a prostitute, eat that leftover stash of Halloween candy.  For the  next several hours you can do whatever the fuck you want.  If you’re English, you’ll waste the opportunity and eat some pancakes.  Whatever floats your boat.

Recipe for an English Mardi Gras

They’re good and low carb, but you should really be trying to get some head from the Ocado guy instead.

But, bon appétit, you prude.

• 6 eggs
• 3 TBS coconut flour
• 3 TBS tapioca flour
• 1 cup milk of your choice.  I used coconut.
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1 TBS olive oil, or oil of your choice.
• Coconut oil for greasing the pan

1. Whisk everything together and allow the mixture to sit for ten minutes for the coconut flour to work its magic.
2. Heat a pan over medium-high heat and brush with coconut oil.
3. Pour 1/4 cup of batter and swirl in the pan to coat the bottom.
4. Cook for a minute or so, until the edges curl up slightly and pull away from edge of the pan.
5. Carefully flip and cook the other side for another minute or so.
6. Use as you would a normal crepe.  Don’t treat it like it is any different.

URGENT UPDATE-PUNXATAWNEY PHIL DID NOT SEE HIS SHADOW.  EARLY SPRING, BITCHES.

Is Groundhog Day a holiday?  I hope so because it’s my sixth favourite, just behind
Valentine’s Day.  There’s not a whole lot to do on Groundhog Day, outside of watch“Groundhog Day,” and decide that, just for today, you’ll allow yourself to have those pesky Andie MacDowell fantasies.

As a child, the whole groundhog thing was a very big deal to me.  I remember getting super pissed off when Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow in 1984.  Tears were shed, and I slammed my fist on my thigh the way men in films about the Vietnam war reacted to a buddy getting studded by sniper fire.  But somehow my temperament regarding this particular holiday has mellowed over the years.  Perhaps it’s living in a more temperate climate…I really don’t know.  It is a relief, however, to finally not have to rely on a rodent soothsayer.

Don’t misunderstand me, I still have heart for the holiday, but without the debilitating emotional and meteorological attachment.  Visiting Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania on Groundhog Day would be a dream come true.  I’d also like to go to the Westminster Dog Show dressed like Sharon Stone from “Casino,” but first things first.

Groundhog Day Barbecue Sauce

It should come as a relief that this is not a barbecue sauce to put on a groundhog, or a sauce that contains groundhog.  It earned the name by being a groundhog-esque experience getting it right.  I tried subtle variations of the recipe many times.  At first too spicy, then too much vinegar, not enough sweetness…you get the point.

I won’t say the recipe that follows is perfection.  You’ll have to try it, and alter it to your tastes.  I would like mine sweeter, but I’m trying to keep the sugar at bay.  So, feel free to add a few more dates.  But overall, this is not too shabby.

Freeze half and use the rest as the mood strikes.  I like to brush it on my okonomiyaki.

BBQ SAUCE

• 1 medium onion cut into 8 pieces
• 1/2 cup plus 2 TBS white wine vinegar
• 6-8 dates
• 1/4 cup tomato paste
• 2 TBS coconut aminos
• 1.5 TBS all-natural liquid smoke
• 2 large cloves garlic
• 2 tsp fish sauce
• 1 tsp mild chilli powder
• 1.5 tsp sea salt
• 1 tsp paprika
• 1 tsp dijon mustard
• 1/4 tsp allspice
• 1/4 tsp cracked black pepper

****Add more chilli powder or cayenne as you see fit, but be careful.  I almost blew out my O-ring on the first batch.

1. Combine and blend in your Vitamix or other high speed blender until nice and smooth.
2. Simmer for 15-20 minutes, taste, and adjust your seasonings.
3. Be a winner and try to make every single day count.

A couple weeks ago I posted a bolognese recipe.  Shortly thereafter I received a few messages asking if the recipe was “any good.”   One person in particular didn’t want to be “dicked around” if I was only posting “crappy recipes” that I’d “never even tried before.”

You can be forgiven, dear reader, for questioning whether or not I should be allowed to vote in a local election or swim with dolphins…but, my recipes are GOOD.  (Unless I tell you they’re not.)  They might even be DELICIOUS to someone who is coming off a detox diet, or who was raised in Ireland.  My recipes are tried, tested, and true.  I post pictures I’ve taken as a sort of ‘proof of life’ to ensure authenticity.  There are no guarantees you’ll love them…as all tastes differ, but I am absolutely not dicking you around.

Don’t ask me for legal advice, if you should divorce your spouse, or why I’m crying on the bus.  I don’t have the answers you’re looking for.  But, if you want some heartfelt suggestions about what you should do with old bananas, I’m your girl.

Beef Tacos

Make them.  Eat them.  You’ll probably like them.

• 1.4 Kilos/3 lbs ground beef
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 3 garlic cloves crushed
• 3/4 cup water
• 2 cups tomato puree
• 4-5 TBS taco seasoning

Heat a deep pan over medium heat.  Saute the garlic, onion and beef until cooked and brown.  Add the rest of the ingredients and simmer on low for 45 minutes.

This makes approximately 37 generous portions.

Taco Seasoning

• 2.5 TBS chilli powder
• 1.5 TBS sea salt
• 1.5 TBS ground cumin
• 1 TBS dried oregano
• 2 tsp onion powder
• 2 tsp ground coriander
• 2 tsp paprika
• 2 tsp ground annatto *optional*
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1/4 tsp ground pepper

Mix it up.  Use as needed.

http://youtu.be/ZcJjMnHoIBI