I’m not feeling very creative, so I’ll write a review of the last movie I saw.  In this instance, it’s a review of the movie “Fantastic Beasts.”  I watched it at my brother’s house over the weekend.

Okay, here it goes:

I had no idea of what was going on, but I liked the animals.

And what the heck.  I watched the first few episodes of “Big Little Lies.”

I don’t recommend watching the abuse-then-sex scenes between Nicole Kidman and Aleksander Skarsgard with your brother, because you’ll both feel the need to condemn their relationship rather than just enjoy the visuals.

Egg-Free Coconut Macaroons

• 1 cup shredded, unsweetened coconut
• 1 TBS coconut flour
• 1/2 cup plus 2 T coconut milk
• 3 T honey or maple syrup
• 1/4 tsp vanilla extract

1. Preheat oven to 350f/180c and line a baking tray with no stick paper.
2. Combine all the ingredients in a saucepan and heat over a medium heat for 2 minutes until thickened.
3. Shape into mounds with an ice cream scoop.
4. Bake for 10-15 minutes until golden.
5. Allow to cool, and remove from the pan with a spatula.

I’m writing this blog, sitting on a screened-in porch, listening to a southern gothic music compilation, and wearing cowboy boots.  All that’s missing is a boyfriend with a red pickup truck who’s cheating on me with someone five to seven years younger.  Man, I wish I had more time in Tennessee.

My goal was to describe the magic of Dollywood and Graceland, the crunch of a hot chicken sandwich,  and the band I saw that consisted of three men who looked exactly like Casey Affleck…the handsome farmer I was ready to buy half a steer off of just to get close to; but I can’t do it justice.

So, instead I’m go eat some BBQ get drunk.

I’ve had a request to “bring back the smut.”  Now, I’d really love to deliver, but I’m cursed.  Like a  man who exposes himself at a public pool, I can only turn on the smut when it’s unwelcome.  Thanks for neutering me, Fanboy.

What I can offer you is a carrot cake muffin recipe.  Man, there’s nothing remotely verboten about that, is there?  You’re all going to have to wait until I’m feeling creepier and more sexually repulsive for the  sausage casserole and clam bake recipes.  I’m guessing…next week?

On a brighter note, I served these cupcakes to little kids, and they devoured them in a frenzy of effortless joy.  And everyone knows kids are mean little assholes.  So, it was a big win.

Carrot Cake Muffins

• 4 eggs at room temperature
• 1/2 cup honey
• 1/4 cup coconut oil, melted
• 1/2 tsp vanilla
• 1/2 cup sifted coconut flour
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 3/4 tsp cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp ground nutmeg
• 1/4 tsp ground ginger
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1 1/4 cups grated carrots

1. Preheat oven to 175c/350f.  Line a muffin tin with silicon or paper liners.
2. Beat eggs, honey, coconut oil, and vanilla on medium for 30 seconds.
3. Add coconut flour, baking soda, spices, and salt. Beat until fully combined.
4. Fold in carrots.
5. Bake for 18-20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the centre comes out clean.
6. Remove the cupcakes from the pan, and let them cool completely before frosting or serving.
7. You can frost them with whatever you like.  I enjoy a powdered sugar and lemon juice glaze.  Have it your way, baby!

*Hey, I realised I didn’t know the exact definition of smut.  Honestly?  I liken myself to more of a pornographer, but I think smut is pretty great too.

*Oldie but goodie.

I’m not sure what the rules are about directly copying a recipe from a Gwyneth Paltrow cookbook and putting it on this blog.  But the only way to learn is to DO.  And, it would kind of be a thrill if she sued me.

So, here is a very nice hoisin recipe.  It’s free of MSG and chemical fillers, but it is loaded with sugar.  Also, you’ll thank GP every time you eat it, causing you to quietly ponder, “If I like this, does that mean I like everything having to do with GP?”  **Before long you might consider shoving giant crystals up your anus or vagina, just because, well, GOOP.

**I read something about this…somewhere?

Here’s the recipe I’m positive she paid someone to develop for her.

GP’s Hoisin Sauce

• 1 TBS avocado oil
• 1 clove of garlic, crushed
• 1/2 tsp five spice powder
• 125 ml red miso
• 125 ml maple syrup
• 2 TBS brown rice vinegar

1. Heat the oil in a saucepan over medium heat.
2. Add the garlic and five spice powder and cook for 30 seconds or so…Or, until it smells fragrant.  I can never identify or understand that stage myself, but congratulations if you can.
3. Whisk in the remaining ingredients and bring to a low boil.  Barely simmer for for 3-4 minutes until slightly thickened.
4. Let the sauce cool.  It keeps a week or so in the fridge.
5. Great with roast duck.  That recipe is coming, but I don’t have it quite right yet.

***This song has nothing to do with anything.  I just like it.

I don’t have any sexual perversions or unflattering political casserole comparisons to discuss today.  This week is all about my chicken katsu recipe.

It may seem at times that this blog is adrift, unsure of its purpose…which is true.  But mostly, I try to create delicious food from scratch.  My aim is to design heathy recipes a normal human being would choose to eat more than once.

I usually get it wrong, but my ego, and any self-preservation I possessed were beaten out of me at an early age by my brother and sister.  So, failure has zero effect on me.  I’m like what would happen if Mr. Food, Chow Daddy, and Reek had a three-way that resulted in a baby.  Upsetting…but there’s room for us all on this earth.

Chicken Katsu Curry

• 3 carrots, chopped
• 500 ml chicken stock
• 5 whole, peeled garlic cloves
• 1 large onions, chopped
• 1 TBS avocado oil
• 1 TBS S+B curry powder or medium curry powder
• 2 TBS rice flour
• 1.5 TBS soy sauce
• 1 bay leaf
• 1 TBS brown sugar
• 1/4 tsp salt
• *1 TBS dashi concentrate (optional)
• 1/2 cup coconut milk (optional)
• **Fried chicken pieces

1. Heat the oil in a small pan, and add the onion and garlic and sauté for 2 minutes
2. Add the carrots and sweat slowly for 10 minutes with the lid on, giving the odd stir, until softened and starting to caramelise.
3. Stir in the rice flour and S+B curry powder and cook for one minute.
4. Slowly pour in the stock until combined (do this gradually to avoid lumps).
5. Add the sugar, soy sauce and bay leaf and bring to the boil, then reduce the heat and simmer for 20 minutes, so the sauce thickens.
6. Add the salt, garam masala, and dashi concentrate.
7. Puree with a stick blender, or leave it chunky like a big weird.
8. Add the coconut milk to achieve the desired consistency.
9. Serve over steamed Japanese rice with fried chicken pieces.  And Japanese pickles.

*Dashi Concentrate (alternative to instant dashi stock granules)

• 500 ml dashi stock

1. Simmer dashi over low heat until reduced to 50ml-100ml.

The reason I do this is because I like everything in my life to be as awkward as possible.

**Fried Chicken

• chicken thigh pieces, trimmed of most of the fat
• 1/4 cup arrowroot or tapioca flour, for dusting
• 2 eggs, lightly whisked (or violently whisked…it’s up to you)
• 1 cup almond meal or almond flour
• 2 tsp paprika
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp white pepper
• oil for shallow frying

1. Combine the almond meal, paprika, onion powder, salt, and pepper in a bowl.
2. Dust the chicken pieces in the tapioca flour, shaking off the excess.
3. Dip the chicken pieces in the egg.
4. Coat the chicken pieces in the almond flour mixture.
5. Heat 1 cm of oil in a pan over medium high high.
6. Cook a few pieces of chicken at a time so as not to crowd the pan.
7. Cook 2 minutes per side, until crispy, golden, and cooked through.
8. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45aRMPsOrKM

***I have no idea what this is supposed to mean, but it’s surely a sign of the end of days.

Every once in a while, I find something so disgusting, I have no choice but to make it.  Like this doodle of a casserole, inspired by my dear friend Sha…I’ll call him “Ricky.”

Just to clarify, Ricky is not disgusting.  He thinks the recipe is though, which is why he sent to me with a note saying, “This country deserves Trump.”  Grey, artificially flavoured meat topped with bacon, disguised with gooey orange cheese…cooked beyond oblivion.  What does it all mean?  Is it a culinary omen? A metaphor? A simile?  A very slow acting ISIS terror plot?

Well, I don’t have answers to the tough questions.  All I can tell you is that Doherty’s Delight is delicious.  And at nearly 600 calories per 1/6th of the recipe, tasting good is its only selling point.

I like to eat a piece for breakfast to feel, early on, that I’ve ruined my day.

Doherty’s Delight

• 225 g / 1/2  pound bacon, cut into pieces and cooked crisp
• 450 g / 1 pound ground beef
• 1 small onion, finely chopped
• 1 garlic clove minced
• 1/4 cup cream cheese
• 2 TBS ketchup
• 1 TBS yellow mustard
• 1 TBS Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tsp seasoned salt
• 4 large eggs
• 1/4 cup heavy cream
• 1/2 tsp white pepper
• 1 tsp hot sauce
• 150 grams grated cheddar

1. Preheat oven to 350f/180c
2. Cook ground beef in a splash of oil of your choice until browned.  Crumble as it cooks and drain excess fat.
3. Add the onion and and garlic to the meat, and cook for about 5 minutes or so, until translucent.  (Whatever that means, I just cooked it for 5 minutes.)
4. Add cream cheese, ketchup, mustard, Worcestershire sauce, and seasoned salt.  Mix it over low heat.
5. Mix the eggs, cream, pepper, and hot sauce.
6. Spread the beef mixture in a greased 8×8 casserole dish, and top with bacon.
7. Pour the egg mixture over the beef and bacon.  Top with the cheddar.
8. Bake for 30 minutes.