A while back I was chatting to a friend on the phone (How awkward, by the way.  Who does that anymore?) and he apologised mid-sentence saying, “Sorry, hold on.  Alexa thought I was talking to her.”  He went on to explain that “Alexa” is a program who reads online text, keeps him abreast of the news and weather, and is in the process of learning his likes and dislikes.  His whims.  His foibles.  Essentially, a technology he’s most likely manipulating into reading him articles about 80’s wrestlers in a breathy sexual tone. “It’s early days,” he told me, keeping his voice low, “but I think Alexa has the potential of being the most fulfilling relationship of my adult life.”

This sexy computer slave business spoke to me.  My Alexa could give the weather in Buffalo, set up an online search to see if there was anyone else having hardcore sex dreams about Neil deGrasse Tyson, and read me articles from reputable publications that I’d definitely absorb with minimal effort.  I pinned my hopes on Alexa, hoping she’d be my ticket to becoming a fully functioning human being.

But Jesus.  She costs £150.  There’s no way to justify that price unless Alexa she had an option to morph into a hologram of Nick Nolte and take me out drinking.  So I found a compromise.  A free, super crappy compromise.  My iPhone had had the ability to read me articles all along AND I got to pick the voice too.

My Alexa is Karen.  She has a New Zealand accent, speaks in monotone, and pronounces every single letter in the word “comfortable.”  So far, she’s read me one and a half New York Times articles, and pages upon pages of Twilight fan fiction erotica. It’s early days, but I think Karen has the potential of being the most fufilling relationship of my adult life.

And now, I’d like to introduce you to another of life’s bittersweet compromises.  Zucchini noodles.  They don’t exactly taste like spaghetti, but they’ll do.

Zucchini Noodles

• Zucchinis spiralised to the thickness of your choice
• Boiling salted water

1. This is very simple, but add the noodles to the boiling water and cook 1-3 minutes depending on your preference.
2. Drain thoroughly and add top with your favorite sauce.

*I’ve tried making zucchini noodles many ways.  This is straight up the easiest.