As a treat, I took myself to the cinema to see “The Shallows.”  I had some preconceived notions about what a shark movie staring Blake Lively might be like, which were mostly correct…however, in a surprising twist, I did not root for the shark the entire time.

*Spoilers ahead!  

The story centers around Blake Lively’s character (I can’t remember her name so I will call her Blake Lively), who searches out the Mexican beach where her mom, who has recently died of cancer, used to surf.  It is implied that the death is especially tragic because of how very attractive Nancy’s mother was.  Blake Lively finds the beach by hitching a lift from a nice man who refuses to tell her what the spot is called…or even where it is.  None of this makes sense.

The picturesque and secluded beach comes complete with a couple of handsome, but not too handsome (to die), surfers who take an immediate liking to Nancy.  That’s her name!  Nancy kills it on the monster waves, just as any twenty-five year old woman from Galveston Texas would, further endearing herself to her equally talented peers.  Nancy takes a break on the beach to eat and apple in a way that is all at once lascivious and wholesome, and re-applies sunblock to her smoking hot body.

Shit gets real after lunch though.  The clouds take on a grey gloom which allows the viewer to prepare themselves for the inevitable blood in the water they’ve been craving.  In a cheap nod to horror films everywhere, Nancy decides to catch one more wave on her own as her buddies head to dry land.  Sorry to be incredulous here, but those guys would have definitely waited on her with high hopes of a tasty carnitas meal and a threesome.

Anyway, Nancy gets distracted by what is obviously a dead and bloated whale in the distance, and paddles out to investigate.  A twenty-five foot great white shark gently bites her leg, but allows Nancy to swim to the rotting whale and climb to safety.  Some very tense stuff happens, and Nancy finds herself at the mercy of the tide on a raised coral bed alongside an injured seagull. She names the Seagull “Steven Seagull”, and I fantasise about strangling Nancy with her own golden locks.

She spends the night on the coral rock and tends her wounds with her jewellery.  Nancy is a medical student, so she is okay with giving herself stitches and applying a tourniquet made from torn wet suit.  I know getting attacked by a shark is a bummer, but it couldn’t have happened to a person with a better set of skills, or needle-shaped jewellery.

The Stew Thickens:

1. At first light, a drunk man robs Nancy’s backpack and heads into the water to retrieve her surfboard against Nancy’s protests of “Help!” and “Shark!”   He gets his legs bitten off,  and his torso crawls to shore.  Nancy sobs into her hands.
2. The prudish surfers from the day before return and don’t believe Nancy when she shouts at them to get out of the water.  They laugh at her and say there are no sharks in this area.  They are immediately devoured.
3. The tide is coming in, so Nancy has to get the fuck off the rock.  She records a heartfelt message asking for help with a camera from one of the surfer’s helmets.  He doesn’t need it anymore as he’s been eaten.  She throws the camera feebly at the shore.
4. She fixes the seagull’s dislocated wing and pushes him towards land on a bit of surfboard.  This scene makes me feel oddly emotional, and is a game changer.  For the first time I want Nancy to make it.

I could honestly go on for five-thousand words, but that would make me worry about myself.  So, just go see it.  There’s something for everyone.  Blake Lively looks like a billion bucks, but you also get to see her lose lots of blood and give up hope.  And there is a monster shark.  It won’t be the best two hours of your life, but it won’t be the worst either.

Shark Cakes

• 400g cooked Great White shark, or white crab meat
• 2 green onions finely chopped
• 3 TBS coconut flour, divided
• 1 TBS Old Bay seasoning
• 1/4 cup mayonnaise
• salt
• black pepper
• coconut oil/ghee for frying

1. Mix crab meat, 1.5 TBS coconut flour, and Old Bay seasoning.
2. Pour in the egg and add the mayonnaise.
3. Season with salt and pepper and mix.
4. Form into 8-10 patties.
5. Chill for at least an hour.
6. Cover a plate in coconut flour and dredge the cakes in the flour.
7. Cook for 2-3 minutes per side in a couple tablespoons of cooking fat.
8. Delicious.  Enjoy with coleslaw or salad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqLwCSv6F7Q