I’ve always wondered if I could just run a marathon.  Like, get up out of bed, go to the starting line, and run 26.2 miles.  On May 29th 2016, I was given the opportunity to satisfy my curiosity.  Yes, I can mostly run a marathon.  To be precise, I can jog 17.5 miles, and then bow-leggedly amble the rest of the way like a forlorn sasquatch seeking a mate.

A while back I wrote about how I had begun marathon training.  And I did train.  I completed my long runs, short runs, tempo runs, and endurance-building weights sessions.  I had some injuries, but I also had a physiotherapist who looked like a young Ernst Hemingway.  Twice a month he adjusted my pelvis and attached electrical suction cups to various parts of my body, turning up the voltage as high as it could go.  Honestly, I felt on top of the world.

But, other parts of my life crept in and made me sad.  So, I took it out on the Buffalo Marathon.  I quit.  Not running became the protest of my unhappiness.  I refused to train.  I made kimchi and fed water kefir grains.  I felt very sorry for myself.

Yet, on race day, there I was at the starting line, unawares of how I had gotten there…like a politician who wakes, covered in blood, alongside a dead prostitute.  Since I was there, I figured I’d jog a little.  A very long story short, I put one swollen foot in front of the other and crossed the finish line almost SIX HOURS later.

I’m proud of myself in the way idiots who survive boxing a deer or lighting their farts on fire are proud of themselves.  I’m so stupid, but I’m still here.  I got a medal too.

Hot Chocolate for Idiots

*This is from my favorite cookbook, Many Hands Cooking-An International Cookbook for Girls and Boys.  Because it’s geared towards children, it is also useful for adults who make stupid decisions and fuck up a lot.