I’ve been taking my time traveling down the paleo/primal/sugar-free route.  All in all, it has been nearly three years of denial, attempts to recreate foods I used to enjoy, resignation, and timid implementation.  Then, last month I read Mark Sisson’s “Primal Blueprint.”  One month in, and I’m doing well.  I feel good.  I thought I’d miraculously be able to fit into my senior year homecoming dress, but realised that was a super creepy aspiration.  Like, why would I try to recreate the body I had at the most awkward and sexless point of my life?

Anyway.

The General Guidelines:

1. Diet:  Meats, fats and vegetables.  I’m eating moderate amounts of lower-fructose fruits such as berries.  I’m avoiding potatoes, rice, grains, corn, and any other high starch foods.  No gluten or sugar.  The only oils I use are coconut, avocado, macadamia and olive.  I stay away from the rest.  I eat NUTS in moderation.  Mostly macadamia.  Any dairy I have is either super fatty or probiotic.  But, I think I might try to eliminate it for a time to punish myself.
2. Exercise:  Two weight sessions.  One intense 30 minute session, and a quick 10 minute, less taxing session.  I walk as much as I can, and aim for one two-hour hike a week.  One sprint workout.  Just 8 or 10, 15-30 second bursts as quickly as possible.
3. I”m trying channel my mealtimes into a 9am-6pm window.  It helps to pretend I’m a Gremlin.

That’s it.  And I occasionally have a couple glasses of  prosecco to convince people I’m still the drunk and slutty friend they can feel good about comparing themselves to.  Eating this way is  a big change that is not always easy or convenient, but for the first time, perhaps ever, I’m not constantly obsessed with food.  I don’t feel like my world is about to end if dinner takes an extra half-hour to get on the table. Actually, that’s a lie, but my moods are calmer and my thoughts are clearer.  I’m still a neurotic mess, but just a tiny bit less so.

I want to make it clear that this is working for me, but you need to do what feels right for you.  Just like some people give birth in their bathtubs, and some people give birth in hospitals; both groups are insufferable know-it-alls.  I’m a complete weirdo when it comes to food, but I believe there is no “right” to be a freak.  I just enjoy sharing my journey and hearing about yours.  Do what makes you feel great.

Chicken Zucchini Carbonara

This is a recipe I made up.  I’m not bragging.  I once made a huge batch of jerusalem artichoke soup that gave me terrible wind.  The problem was that I had put £12 pounds of seafood in there and felt obligated to eat it.  It was a harrowing four days.  So, I choose to celebrate my triumphs.  This gem is a win that almost makes up for smelling like a rhino for the better part of a week.

• 3-4 spiralised zucchini
• 1 TBS coconut oil or fat of your choice
• 4 slices of bacon
• A few mushrooms, chopped *optional
• 2 cloves garlic chopped
• 2 TBS very finely chopped red onion
• 2 cups leftover cooked chicken, chopped
• 2 egg yolks
• 1 TBS Gochujang *optional  (I make my own and will include a recipe next week.) I think it adds a nice savoury and spicy flavour.
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese, plus extra for topping.
• salt and pepper to taste

1. Melt the coconut oil and fry the bacon until nice and crisp.  Drain the bacon on a paper towel.  Chop, and set aside for later.
2. Make the carbonara sauce by whisking he egg yolks, cream, and gochujang.  Stir in the parmesan cheese.  Add some salt and pepper.  I don’t know the exact amounts.  Do it your way, baby!
3. Keep the oil heated and cook the mushrooms down, if using.  Add the garlic and red onion and cook until nicely browned and softened, but not burnt.
4. Add the chicken, and heat through.
5. Add the zucchini noodles and cook for a few minutes, until any water released by the noodles is evaporated away, and the noodles are to your liking.
6. Lower the heat and add the cream sauce.  Cook for a minute or two.  Add half the bacon and give it a nice stir.
7. Dish out and top with bacon and extra cheese.  Add seasoning as you see fit.
8. Enjoy.  Win your day.