Am I proud? Not really, but I refuse to be ashamed. See, I will go to bat for Gwyn against those who would malign her prudish name, but I will also make her look like she’s about to eat a dick. It melts my heart a little that she believes she’s an ordinary girl, with everyday struggles. But, I’m flabbergasted to the point of rage that she believes sharing the story about how Cameron Diaz gave her a Brazilian wax makes her warm and relatable. I suppose the word I’m looking for is “ambivalent.”

Of course, I wanted to know what the star of “View from the Top” ate for breakfast, but I also needed to be the kind of person who makes fun of the people who buy Gwyneth Paltrow cookbooks. Then my free will was taken away. I had to have it. Gwyn stole my heart on page 96 with her ginger and tuna burgers. I calculated they would cost me £9.35 apiece to make. All of her recipes began with out-of-touch anecdotes like, begging the chef at The Ivy for a cobb salad recipe, normal kid summers in Nantucket and the soup she ate while secluded in a Japanese monastery. We’ve all been there.

Her miso salad dressing left me lightheaded and agitated. I wanted to make it, but I hated her for it too. It was like finding oneself sexually attracted to Justin Beiber.

I can’t help it. I want to make gazpacho with her, then push her down a well. Then pull her back up again.

Chicken, Pomegranate and Macadamia Salad

This is my original recipe.  Gwyneth Paltrow has a recipe in her cookbook which is mashed avocado on toast. I can do anything I want.

• 1 cooked chicken breast, shredded or cut into small chunks
• 1 TBS chopped macadamia nuts
• 1 TBS pomegranate seeds
• 1 TBS finely chopped celery
• 1/8 tsp onion power
• 1/8 tsp salt
• 1/8 tsp dijon mustard
• pepper to taste
• homemade mayo

Mix it all together and eat it.  Pretend you’re at a Japanese monastery having a threesome with Luke Wilson and the teacher from GLEE.