My 39th birthday was a few days ago.  Maybe it’s the hormones from my rapidly diminishing  reproductive capabilities, but the whole thing made me nostalgic.  I try not to dwell on the past too much (for instance, there was a stretch where I tried, unsuccessfully, to pee standing up), but I indulged in a good reminisce about what used to be important to me at various milestones.  At ten, it was jelly bracelets and fantasising about making out with Michael Jackson.  At twenty, it was trying to find a way to be self-sufficient without having to trade sexual favors for Aldi foodstuffs.  At thirty, there was a panic.  I was underwhelmed.  According to every shitty magazine I’d ever read, I was at my peak, yet I had never even used a lawnmower.

Now, on the eve of my 40th year, I’ve begun to appreciate all the odd moments that have brought me to this point.  I’ve arm wrestled a sailor and visited a zoo that had drawings of copulating animals in front of each enclosure. Once, I saw Judge Reinhold in the San Francisco Airport.  I have lived.  There is a short list of what I would like to accomplish by my 40th year written on the back of a picture of a werewolf.  But, I’m going easy.  Mainly, because I know how lazy I am, but more so because I want to spend the bulk of my thirties drinking Baileys in the morning sunshine and sending hate mail to the childhood bullies of my closest friends. I want to take the time to enjoy life’s pleasures.

Two Day Nuts

These are called two day nuts because they take two days to make.  Some time ago I read something about how nuts have to be prepared in a certain way, or they create tiny holes in your intestines that lets poo-poo float around in your blood.  I will never be able to enjoy a nutty party mix ever again. But, even if they didn’t turn intestines to jelly, I would still prepare nuts this way because they are delightfully crispy.

• Almonds, pecans, wallnuts, hazelnuts,  brazils, or any nut of your choice.  Cashews and macadamias don’t have to be activated and also go soggy if kept in water too long, so avoid those.
• Filtered water
• Salt

*Before you soak your nuts consider that they will need to fit single layer on cookie sheets in the oven.

1. Place your nuts in large bowl and cover with filtered water.  Add a few teaspoons of salt and mix until dissolved in the water.  What I like to do is separate my nuts.  For example, I keep a bowl of almonds, a bowl of pecans, etc.  Soak for 12 hours.
2. Rinse and spread the nuts out on unlined cookie sheets.  You don’t have to, but I separate my nuts here too.
3. Place the cookie sheets in the oven on the lowest setting.  If you have a fan in your oven, use it.  I initially keep a wooden spoon in the oven door to let the moisture out, and then remove it a few hours later.
4. Now, cook your nuts for 24 hours.  When you remember, stir the nuts around and rearrange the cookie sheets.
5. Once they’re done, eat your nuts.  Store the remainder in bags in the freezer, and take them out when you would like to eat nuts.

*This is the most I have ever written the word “nuts.”