I developed this recipe through trial and error, in one of my many attempts to recreate a suitable pad thai. I failed to the point of sploogey zoodely disgrace, but found redemption in this little gem. It is nothing like pad thai, but it is a real crowd pleaser.  And by “crowd pleaser” I mean that you can eat it by yourself, three days in a row, hot or cold, in formal-wear or My Little Pony underwear. It is a substantial meal with or without rice, and I think it is delicious. This is my go-to meal when I’m going to be alone or just feeling lonely.  I have it at least three days a week.

* A few words on wankily expensive ingredients. The first thing I noticed when I adopted a paleo-ish diet is how “sell your teeth and hair” expensive the ingredients are. And the quantities needed are excessive.  One cake recipe I tried called for enough almond flour in the batter to deep fry a panda. So many of the ingredients are wanky and don’t taste very good in the finished product because they are trying to fake something that shouldn’t be faked.  I try a lot of recipes.  Even ones I don’t think could possibly work, just to see if I can live the dream. I’m chasing a Mint Thins dragon. Most of the time it’s a big “NO,” but every once in a while I feel the magic. I try to not rely on recipes that will break me so hard financially that I have to live under a railway bridge, but I’ll go without regular pap smears for a good brownie.

So, I cannot recommend a substitution for the coconut aminos. It is expensive, and it’s as elusive as a man who’s willing to buy tampons, but I like it, and I use it a lot. It has been recommended as a substitution for soy sauce, but I don’t believe they taste anything alike. Save it for recipes where it is specifically called for.

Faux-Peanut Porky Surprise 

  I am well aware that this looks grim, but I don’t know how to photograph food.

There are two components to this recipe: the pork mixture and the fake peanut sauce.  I usually make the fake peanut sauce first and then cut the veggies while I fry up the pork.  If you make the sauce ahead of time, it is very easy to put together.

Porky Mixture

• 1 tablespoon coconut oil
• 1 pound/500 grams ground pork
• 3-4 spring onions sliced
• 2-3 garlic cloves crushed
• 6-10 fresh shiitake mushrooms diced (Optional)
• 2 eggs, whisked
• 2 teaspoons coconut oil
• 1 cucumber seeded and thinly sliced
• 3 carrots shredded
• Handful of cashews, chopped.

Melt the coconut oil in a skillet over medium heat and add the garlic, spring onion and shiitake.  Fry until the water evaporates from the mushrooms. Add the ground pork and cook until nicely browned.  Turn off the heat while you prepare the rest.

Scramble the eggs in a separate pan in the 2 teaspoons of coconut oil, then transfer them to the pork mixture. Turn the heat back on and add in the cucumber and carrot. Heat through until the vegetables wilt a little. Add the sauce (see below) and heat through. Sprinkle the cashews on top and enjoy.

Never so Lonely Faux-Peanut Sauce

• 1/2 cup coconut aminos*
• 1/4/cup sunflower/80 grams seed butter (I always use sunbutter because it tastes closest to peanut.)
• 2 teaspoons rice wine vinegar
• 2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar
• 1 dried date
• 1 clove garlic, smashed
• 1 tablespoon toasted sesame oil
• 1 teaspoon hot sauce (I use Choula or Franks Red Hot)
• 1/4 teaspoon white pepper

Now, put all the ingredients in your vitamix or other high powered blender and combine into a smooth sauce. If you don’t have Vitamix, do whatever you have to do to get one. It doesn’t matter how degrading it is, you’ll thank me in the end.

I hope this lives past the excitement of selling your mother’s wedding ring to finance coconut aminos. Play the link below for the perfect music to accompany your meal.

http://youtu.be/kHkojuUSDO8